Is it domestic violence? I just want to do the right thing for my kids

craftingmad

I really don't know where to post this but hope that I am in the right place to get some help and support from someone - I really think I need it at the mo. Never before have I needed a cuddle quite so much!

Hubby and I have always had an alrightish marriage (although he has never been one for talking about anything and everything always has to be his way or no way) but recently his temper (and language) really is getting a problem and affecting our kids as well as me.

He is constantly swearing at me and calling me all the names under the sun (most of them which I can't repeat on here but stupid is the probably the tamest of all of them) often in front of the children (and actually sometimes at the children) . So much so that my two children (7 & 3) seem to think its ok to call me it too. He has never actually hit me though (well apart from on honeymoon when I got really upset that he done a kissing game and kissed loads of women but not me (i did'nt mind him taking part in the game after all it was just a bit of fun but I did mind that he did'nt kiss me even when he had the chance!!!)

Sorry I'm really rambling but after another swearing session as soon as I walked in from getting the kids from school I'm not really thinking that straight at the mo - actually I cant really remember the last time I was able to think straight - sorry.

I really don't know what to do now - I know its affecting the kids and I don't wont my kids becoming like him - I also don't want my little girl growing up and thinking its ok for a man to treat her like I am being treated at the moment. I know I have my faults and maybe I am stupid (i've been told it enough times from him!!!) but I am also so scared about life without / after him that I won't cope with anything financially, emotionally, physically etc.

I don't work as I look after my two kids full time and anyway no employer would want me as I have no real up to date skills and am just so scared that after working so hard to clear all our debt, mortgage reducing etc that I just won't cope with just me and the kids and nothing else.

My parents are both poorly so I don't want to worry them with any of this and my sister is also currently undergoing tests for what is wrong so again I cannot worry her. As for friends I don't really have any - people just son't seem to like me - they use me to look after their children but never do anything for me even on the few occassions I've asked.

At the end of the day my kids really do have to come first and I cannot bear the thought of them growing up and putting up with what I do - but at the same time they have a very comfortable lifestyle at the moment (they get so spoilt) and they love their dad.

Somebody please tell me what to do xx

Thanks xxx

Threebabes

He sounds like an awful bully. Im sure you are not stupid he is just undermining you.

He may not be physical but this is mental bullying.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

elvis86

As you say, you probably are quite stupid and wind your OH up. You should count yourself lucky that he only says mean things in the heat of the moment and refrains from giving you a smack when you've been especially stupid. It won't hurt your kids to learn to respect their dad and to know that he's the boss. And if you will be so stupid and useless, then the kids are only asserting themselves by telling you as much, you should be proud...

Of course that's all b****cks. I'm trying to make the point that you don't really need the opinions of strangers on the internet to know that this situation isn't right, and it's not for someone here to "tell you what to do".

You need to do right by your kids and remove them from this situation ASAP.

RacyRed

YES! This is domestic violence.

The emotional well-being of your kids is much more important than the financial benefits of staying with this man, IMHO.

Mupette

yes it is

mental cruilty, i divorced my waste of space with those grounds

duchy

I think your first stop should be Women's Aid . They will counsel you and help you decide what you want and how to get it.
If your three year old is in nursery it's entirely possible you may be able to get on courses through something like Learn Direct to update/learn new skills to make you more employable -on what is essentially a drop in basis -so you can do it when you have the time when they are at nursery.

You've taken a huge first step in posting today -Well done !!

craftingmad

I know I have to do it - but I'm still so scared. The kids idolise their dad - what do I say to them. I know what hes like and he dosent like being around them know if he can help it - what happens if he never wants to see them again - taht would be all my fault!!

He is also in the middlw of fitting a new kitchen at the moment so maybe that excuses him? He is getting very stressed about it but typical of him is taking it out on me.

Thanks everyone - I'm still scared xx

Who should I contact about moving/getting away or getting him out and financial matters etc (even we need some cash to live on despite being very moneysaving expect where kids are involved)

andrinaperry

In the eyes of the law this is domestic violence. All I can say is I have many friends who blame their mothers for not leaving their abusive fathers and making them live in an atmosphere of abuse for years on end.

RAS

Hi start by reading this thread https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/1276963

Do you have your own bank account?

Is the Child Benefit paid to you?

January20

craftingmad wrote: »

I know I have to do it - but I'm still so scared. The kids idolise their dad - what do I say to them. I know what hes like and he dosent like being around them know if he can help it - what happens if he never wants to see them again - taht would be all my fault!!

NO! If he doesn't ever want to see them it will be his fault, NOT yours!

craftingmad wrote: »

He is also in the middlw of fitting a new kitchen at the moment so maybe that excuses him? He is getting very stressed about it but typical of him is taking it out on me.

No it doesn't excuse him! You do not, no matter how stressed, tired, worried, etc, ever treat the people you are supposed to love that way! You do not treat anybody that way actually!

If you actually believe the things I have highlighted and commented on, then I think you are even more abused than you think you are. He is responsible for his actions and his reactions to what happens around him. If he behaves badly, it's his fault not yours. He is a grown man with his own mind afterall!

lynzpower

Not only is it emotional and verbal abuse

But if he calls the children names as well he is emotionally abusing them

getting them to pepetuate abuse on you is child abuse, no question about it. I speak as an ex social worker, if you consider "staying with him for the sake of the kids" be crystal clear about the impact this has on them.

Where roughly do you live! If you lived near me we could go for a coffee sometime!

I dont know if there is a sure strt near you thjat is still open, if so go there they will be able to help and advise you if you are open and upfront. Otherwise there is always someone at womens aid to help you protect yourself and your children from this bully.

Good luck x