Is it domestic violence? I just want to do the right thing for my kids

kate1976

OP, I can offer no other advice than echo what others have said, contact Women's Aid and talk it through with them and please stop making excuses for him, you deserve so much better and so do your kids.

elvis86 wrote: »

As you say, you probably are quite stupid and wind your OH up. You should count yourself lucky that he only says mean things in the heat of the moment and refrains from giving you a smack when you've been especially stupid. It won't hurt your kids to learn to respect their dad and to know that he's the boss. And if you will be so stupid and useless, then the kids are only asserting themselves by telling you as much, you should be proud...

Of course that's all b****cks. I'm trying to make the point that you don't really need the opinions of strangers on the internet to know that this situation isn't right, and it's not for someone here to "tell you what to do".

You need to do right by your kids and remove them from this situation ASAP.

I was so going to give you a good shouting at reading the first bit of your post!

Gigglepig

craftingmad wrote: »

I really don't know what to do now - I know its affecting the kids and I don't wont my kids becoming like him - I also don't want my little girl growing up and thinking its ok for a man to treat her like I am being treated at the moment.

Have you told him this straight? My advice would be to start with talking to him. Perhaps begin the conversation by saying that you know he is under a lot of stress at the moment due to the kitchen, and that you appreciate his effort on that.

I would also tell him straight how you feel and ask him why he says things like that you are stupid and how he thinks that the two of you can communicate better. It may be that you are both feeling a bit stuck at the moment and that he doesn't feel too great about himself either.

The second thing I'd suggest would be counselling. If you get nowhere by talking to him straight, insist that you go and see a family counsellor together. (For example a charity like Relate.)

Thirdly, if you are a bit stuck in a rut, perhaps it would be a good idea to start a part time course now to update skills, give you more choice in the future if you were to return to work, and also improve your confidence a bit? It doesn't have to be a degree or anything - there are plenty of skills courses where people meet for a couple of hrs once a week or even weekend courses. If your income is below 20k I believe you can get an ILA grant of up to 200 pounds - google your local community college and they should be able to help you.

My fourth suggestion would be looking at the positive and fun things in your relationship, and build on those. Perhaps you and your husband should also spend some time together as a couple and doing some family team bonding?

And... Personally I would plan to make an effort to turn things around over the next year or so and only if it does not get better, even with the aid of counselling etc. consider separation.

pigpen

I divorced my KH (kn0bhead) for this reason (the other reason was his other woman but I could deal with that) He forced our son to move out shortly after his 16th birthday and was given his marching orders the same day.

I have said this on here before.. but a few days after he left my then 6 y/o said 'It is lovely getting ready for school without daddy shouting and screaming' ... 3 weeks after he had gone I heard a strange noise and went to investigate.. it was DD2 laughing, it was so long since I had heard her laugh I had forgotten what it sounded like...

They have all since said they would have got rid of him sooner!

Yes it is abuse. He doesn't have to hit you.. What would you call it if your child came home from school saying someone in their class treated them this way? Bullying! Bullying is abuse.. Not only is he abusing you but he is abusing your babies too.

You and they need to be away from that situation.. you all deserve so much better than this.

Mupette

these kids may idolise their dad, which is also looking up to someone who abuses women.. stay where you are and you are teaching them it is ok to treat women like this and thus will no doubt go on to treat women like scum, their dad did it so it must be right

Mrs_Arcanum

As they idolise their Dad you need to get out ASAP or your children will learn that treating you like dirt is OK and a normal way to behave. If you stay you are telling him it is OK to be a verbal bully and your self confidence will be whittled away.

belfastgirl23

I'm with gigglepig on this. Relationships can get into bad habits and bad routines. It's for you to figure out whether it's salvageable or not. But I do think you need to sit him down and very clearly and calmly tell him that it really upsets you when he talks to you like that and that you think it's also not good for the kids to hear. No accusations, no tears, just very calm. And see can you get anywhere with discussion. It is possible that he doesn't even realise that he's that bad. And he hasn't thought about it in terms of effects on the kids.

Of course it is also possible that this is on the abuse spectrum - only you can know this though, only you know the ups and downs of the relationship and whether he's a fundamentally decentish man or not.

balletshoes

I agree with the poster who says you have to try to talk to your OH first - calmly ask him why he calls you those names, and tell him how upset you are when he does it. My OH used to come home shouting and bawling when he was stressed about external stuff (ie stuff going on outside our relationship) but I told him, calmly, that neither I nor our daughter deserved to be shouted at or around because he was in a bad mood or stressed out about someone else's behaviour, and it really upset both of us. I don't do it to him, I don't expect him to do it to me.

He changed his attitude, because he actually listened. We also have discussions starting with "this is a big thing" - thats both our cues to actually pay attention 100% and listen to whats being said.
If I need support, or theres something he needs to talk to me about, then the possibility of the other partner swearing and putting you down with stupid names isn't going to help at all, and nothing will be resolved.

If your OH can't or won't stop with the bullying and abuse (as thats what it is) then you need to plan to leave, with your children. Whatever you'd put up with for yourself, you owe it to your children to break the cycle and let them grow up into the respectful, sensitive and confident people they can be.

Dasa

craftingmad wrote: »

I really don't know where to post this but hope that I am in the right place to get some help and support from someone - I really think I need it at the mo. Never before have I needed a cuddle quite so much!

Hubby and I have always had an alrightish marriage (although he has never been one for talking about anything and everything always has to be his way or no way) but recently his temper (and language) really is getting a problem and affecting our kids as well as me.

He is constantly swearing at me and calling me all the names under the sun (most of them which I can't repeat on here but stupid is the probably the tamest of all of them) often in front of the children (and actually sometimes at the children) . So much so that my two children (7 & 3) seem to think its ok to call me it too. He has never actually hit me though (well apart from on honeymoon when I got really upset that he done a kissing game and kissed loads of women but not me (i did'nt mind him taking part in the game after all it was just a bit of fun but I did mind that he did'nt kiss me even when he had the chance!!!)

Sorry I'm really rambling but after another swearing session as soon as I walked in from getting the kids from school I'm not really thinking that straight at the mo - actually I cant really remember the last time I was able to think straight - sorry.

I really don't know what to do now - I know its affecting the kids and I don't wont my kids becoming like him - I also don't want my little girl growing up and thinking its ok for a man to treat her like I am being treated at the moment. I know I have my faults and maybe I am stupid (i've been told it enough times from him!!!) but I am also so scared about life without / after him that I won't cope with anything financially, emotionally, physically etc.

I don't work as I look after my two kids full time and anyway no employer would want me as I have no real up to date skills and am just so scared that after working so hard to clear all our debt, mortgage reducing etc that I just won't cope with just me and the kids and nothing else.

My parents are both poorly so I don't want to worry them with any of this and my sister is also currently undergoing tests for what is wrong so again I cannot worry her. As for friends I don't really have any - people just son't seem to like me - they use me to look after their children but never do anything for me even on the few occassions I've asked.

At the end of the day my kids really do have to come first and I cannot bear the thought of them growing up and putting up with what I do - but at the same time they have a very comfortable lifestyle at the moment (they get so spoilt) and they love their dad.

Somebody please tell me what to do xx

Thanks xxx

This horrified me he hit you on your honeymoon? Do you think he really wants to be marrried? Don't let this continue if he won't change get out now for both you and the kids sake.

Sugardonut

Whilst i don't think this is domestic violence yet this is abuse (i'm excluding the honeymoon incident which was awful and shows he is capable).

My father was violent, to my Mum and eventually me and my brother. Long before the violence, he belittled my Mum, got us to join in (we also idolised our Dad and never saw him for what he was until years after he died). He never 'let' my Mum out, would never 'babysit' etc, so she gradually became shut off and an easy target.

You, and your OH are heading for a slippery slope if things don't change. As others have said - talk to him calmly, but let him know your concerns and that you WILL NOT put up with verbal abuse, slagging off - in front of the kids or not. If he does not take heed, let him know the concsequences. After that, it's HIS decision. My Dad made the wrong one, and although it ended tragically, i'm so glad Mum stayed strong and got out. If she hadn't i'd be a completely different person. You sound just as good a Mum as mine - best of luck.

Caroline_a

Just popping by to agree with all who have said move out. By staying you are condoning this bullying behaviour and teaching your son that it's ok to treat women like this... make no mistake, the pattern will repeat itself!

You say that you can't get a job because nobody would want you. Look at that sentence. Who told you that? Was it an employer? The job centre? Alan Sugar? No, it was the bullying OH of yours. He's totally wrong, and deep down you know it, or you wouldnt be asking for our opinions to confirm what you already know. Would you stand for anyone treating your daughter like that when she is grown up? No, I'm sure you wouldnt.

Good luck, and do what your heart and your head is telling you to do.

x