Problem with sister and child.

SandC

For what it's worth - my brother was a flipping nightmare from a young age - I'd say about the same age. He is 18 months older than me. Although he'd get told off for his tantrums he remained golden boy. His behaviour was bad all through his teens but still golden boy. I, meanwhile, couldn't get away with anything like how he was. I mean he really was dreadful and ruined holidays and days out etc. He might've put some behaviour down to us losing our mum at a young age but I can remind him he was like that before she died too. ;-)

He grew up though, he changed and he regrets his attitude. He's still golden boy to an extent but hey ho.

What I'm trying to say is that it won't necessarily turn her into a friendless brat. That she behaves while with you on her own is a very good sign. She is probably as angelic with friends' parents (though they will doubtless be aware of her attitude as well!). She knows the boundaries, it's just her mum doesn't hold her to them. Her brother seems to just want a quiet life, but I'm glad he's got you. It'll be easier for him that he can talk to you.

Gigglepig

I feel sorry for you and hope that you can continue seeing your nephew and niece when your sister is not around, it sounds like that would be very good for them. It isn't your business how your sister raises her kids, so it may be simpler if you spend time with them without your sister and outsider her home, so you can set the rules.

I'd be very cautious not to come across as critical of the sister in front of the kids.

What about their dad, where is he in the picture and how does he behave with them?

tesuhoha

Well, the best thing to do with a child like this is to reward good behaviour and ignore bad. Therefore, I think you have to show her your dislike by ignoring her most of the time, especially when in your sister's company. Make her brother your favourite, spoil him with praise, buy him presents without buying her anything. Don't talk to her unless you have to (excuse me can you move out of the way please etc).If you meet up with any other children, praise them and say how nicely behaved they are (if they are). You don't have to say anything nasty, just withdraw all attention from her. If she has tantrums, make a face, roll your eyes and sigh and then say to her brother, come on L... I'll buy you an ice cream.

Eventually, she will probably ask you why you don't like her and you can tell her its not her you dislike but her behaviour, then ignore her again. Carry on with this indefinitely until she changes. Your sister will not really be able to say anything but if she does you could say that you love her but you don't like her behaviour. This may sound cruel but she needs pulling up and a bit of a shock. Otherwise by the time she is 15 she will be a candidate for boot camp.

If you watch the boot camp programmes this is what they do. They make life tough for the kids and do not give them any praise or reward until they deserve it. If she starts to behave well then you can start treating her well, if she then goes back to her old behaviour then so can you. She will soon get the message.

Zoetoes

She's only 7, she's just being a bit bratty! I think sometimes when your own kids are older you forget what they were like and how hard it can be.

Mojisola

swingaloo wrote: »

She is a good mum and tries so hard for them but daughter is boss, not the mother.

I just can't agree with this - she isn't a good Mum. She's treating her two children so differently that she's creating problems in her son's behaviour and making him feel bad.

She's also creating a monster in her daughter and she will pay for it for years. There have been threads on here before about mothers being completely ruled by an awful "child" in their 20s or 30s.

She's also setting up her daughter to fail in future relationships. If she tries this behaviour with future partners, how many are going to stay around?

tesuhoha

The thing is, you are the second main adult in her life. You can influence her now while she is still young. It doesn't have to be her mother who teaches her that lesson and you can do it in a subtle way. Sometimes it takes another family member to introduce a bit of common sense. If she is as bright as you say she will realise that she can only get around you with good behaviour. Make it clear that you will not tolerate itin front ofher mother either.

A bit of old fashioned favouritism will boost the boy and make the girl stop to think.

meritaten

hun, I would go on the holiday but make it plain that I will be off doing my own thing most of the time! if her youngest is 7 then she certainly does NOT need a full time nanny! also, check out in advance what activities/trips the little diva will hate and book for yourself and your nephew to go on them - the poor kid needs some 'away from his sister time'! your sis shouldnt object as it will only leave her one child to look after, and tbh it sounds to me a bit like sibling rivalry is going on here..........only its the younger child who is jealous not the older!

jellyhead

pigpen wrote: »

I'd be tempted to take nephew for treats on his own (what age is he?) so at least his good behaviour is acknowledged and if asked why neice couldn't come sa she had been rude, naughty, etc. when she can be nice you would love to take her.

I don't even know them and I want to take the nephew out for treats, poor kid!

Mind you I am biased though, because my brothers and I still remember our mum being ruled by our sister. Obviously we've grown up and moved on, but you don't forget all the slights, having things taken away from you because mum refuses to believe that it was the sister who broke her own, on purpose, just for the pleasure of seeing other siblings punished.

You are probably very important in the boy's life, and I hope he knows you think he's amazing My grandparents used to take me to one side and rescue me from my sister every so often :T

jellyhead

swingaloo wrote: »

She is almost angelic, in fact you can put a bet on when her behaviour will change- as mum walks through the door!.

I would never critizise sis directly, she does a great job for the most part. (Her ex husband is now living on the other sideof the world so is no help). I know she works hard to give them the best she can and gets very stressed.


I think my biggest concern is for the future, I dont want her to grow into a spoilt brat, she rules the house and gives my sis a hell of a time now and I can only see it getting worse as she grows up.

I think that although she may treat your sister like dirt she seems able to control her behaviour around other people. She can probably behave herself at school, and in a job when she's an adult.

jellyhead

swingaloo wrote: »

She stayed ther for nearly 20 mins. I got so annoyed inside and told sis that she should take the eldest to eat and I would sit it out in the hotel room and so when she finally came out of the bathroom she could just go to bed without her evening meal as punishment for hwer behaviour. Sis wouldnt hear of it and so we all ended up waiting and getting to the restaurant on the very last minute when they were taking food away (all inclusive!).

Why didn't you take the eldest?

I can see that you want to help your sister with behaviour management, but the eldest must be so sick of it all, it would probably be nice for him to go off on his own with a nice auntie, for a one to one chat and some ice cream

If you youngest saw that every time she threw a strop you took the eldest off to do something fun she might rethink her strategy ....