Problem with sister and child.

Spendless

heretolearn wrote: »

Very clever children can be difficult to parent and I don't think it's uncommon for them to go through a stage like this.

I feel for all of you, the girl, the brother, you and her mum!

I've got a couple of examples for you, and then a bit of advice:

1) My son is exceedingly clever. He is also quite moody - not tantrums but black moods and strops. While he was always well-behaved otherwise, he went through a stage aged 8-9 when he was rude and cheeky in a smart-alec kind of way, and was very sarcastic. Now, his intelligence and sense of humour were high, but emotionally etc he was just a little boy still, and the two combined to create a bit of a monster - clever and witty, but with no tact, sense of diplomacy or appropriateness! We had to take a strong line with him over this. We still managed to get through 4 after-school minders (they 'resigned') in as many months until I finally found one who was willing to stand up to him! But he grew out of it as his maturity caught up with his big mouth.:rotfl:
So I do have some sympathy for your sister. She is probably well aware of how her daughter behaves but it's hard work. I was also a single parent and sometimes I gave in when I shouldn't have for peace and quiet and just not having the energy to keep it up, normally I was quite strict, but these kids can be very manipulative. Also when they play up in public embarrassment stops you wanting to draw attention to their behaviour. I generally saved my tellings-off till we were back in private. Recently (he is grown up and lovely now) he was laughing over it and saying 'I was so manipulative, wasn't I'. I'm sure I still don't know the half of it.3)

Thank you. You are describing how my son is/was to a T. Always helpful to hear of someone who has been there, done it and (both) come out smiling at the other end. I also think what you've put about not wanting to discipline in other places sounds likely in light of

swingaloo wrote: »

I found out this example last night. - On Saturday sis took her for some new shoes for the summer. The pair she wanted, they didnt have in her size, the ones she tried were a bit tight. Apparently when told she couldnt have them she screamed the shop down and sis was so embarressed that she bought her them to get out of the shop.
Result- One child wins again through being bratty. One mum pays money for shoes that will ne of no use during the summer. When I was told this I turned to niece and said 'Why would you do that to your mum? I would have walked out of the shop and left you'. Niece said 'Because I wanted them'. Sis said ' You dont understand what its like, I should have said no but I just had to get out of the shop'. (At this point in my mind Im thinking - but not saying- I would have dragged the little brat out- but then I realise something else sis has said. She is tiny and cant physically control neice, maybe thats having an impact as well)

I know there is a difference between boys and girls in that girls are more independent but even though I love them both to bits I hate to have to say it but I dont LIKE neice. Thats a deadful thing to say and thats what upsets me.

You were quite right not to say it. I do recall my FIL (think kiddy catcher-lol) moaning about our sons inability to sit still between courses at a wedding. This is the wedding when the bride and groom were married by 1pm and we hadn't been let in the main reception to eat till 5pm! And son was 3 at the time! FIL told us to keep DS still cos he could, so I told him to go ahead and do so needless to say he didn't! You could suggest though that in future she walks away empty handed and deals with her daughter in private.

For you would in help to think in terms of you don't like neice's behaviour rather than you don't like neice?

What's her sleeping pattern like? Having got an 11yo who thinks sleep is optional! I can def say that they can get more stroppy if they haven't had enough sleep and you get too tired to cope! Can neices 'energies' be chanelled into something more positive? You say she's bright, could she do something after school wise? That would give her mum a break and hopefully give child something to work on, rather than giving her mum a hard time over everything.

jellyhead wrote: »

I remember volunteering in school for year 3 and being shocked and horrified by how spiteful and manipulative some of the girls were, and the teacher said it had taken her a while to get used to it too because she only had boys herself and girl bad behaviour is totally different.

Having got a yr 3 girl they [STRIKE]are[/STRIKE] can be. My DD seems to be hanging around with a can be b1tchy crowd from what she comes home saying and I'm not naive enough to believe she's always innocent in it all. I just re-iterate how it isn't nice and how I wouldn't want her doing the same. My friend is volunteering in yr 6 and she says the girls are very clever at being slyly nasty verbally.


[QUOTE=jellyhead;42385578_The 7 year old girl isn't too old to change her behaviour, fingers crossed that ignoring the bad and praising the good might work. Demanding to choose everything all the time isn't really what you'd expect of a 7 year old, most kids grow out of that by the time they're in nursery, so she's probably just doing it for the reaction it gets, and stuck in patterns of tantrums to get attention

Earlier 1 of my kids wanted to drive to the supermarket, the other wanted to walk to local shops. I went with the walk and local shops (son's choice) as I remembered I needed to pick something up. DD then spent the walk there, chuntering to herself about how often I went with her brothers choice and trying to think up examples. Ignoring her as we neared shops, she decided to hide behind a tree. That was when I saw my mum and called out 'hi there, you are just in time to see your grand-daughter throwing a paddy' DD then emerged from said tree with smile for nanny, cos while she was drama queen for me (not that I was biting) she didn't want anyone else witnessing it. So I do think some kids (be it a girl or a youngest tendancy) try it on for longer..and longer still if they see it works.

jellyhead

I suppose so. I have a 9 year gap between my kids so they probably don't feel like they have to fight to get their own way so much, because eldest isn't too bothered about the things that youngest might get stroppy about, and some of the time he's away with his own friends anyhow or can go off and do what he likes on holiday, within boundaries. If they were closer in age maybe they'd argue over everything and it would be constant squabbling like my sister's 2 (age gap of 2.5 years). There's a quite emotional boy in my 5 year old's class at school and his mum gets a bit embarrassed when he and his little brother squabble over which way home they're going to go ... I said last week that my 5 year old would probably be exactly the same if his sibling was closer in age. I have things easy with a big age gap.

I was laughing with a teenager today about the massive tantrum she threw when she was 7 and I was looking after her for the day (that's what made me think that 7 was a bit old for tantrums, because at the time it was so unusual and she was the only child in the class who still had tantrums, and even in reception class it was only this girl and my son who did). She lay on the pavement and screamed for over an hour until I gave in and let her have chips for lunch. Her mum had said not to because the hospital had advised a diet, but if I couldn't stop her tantrum they were both going to miss out on swimming, and my son was just standing around bored while she was screeching so I gave in so as not to spoil my son's afternoon.

She was laughing about it today when we bumped into her, couldn't believe she was such a brat (her words). She's nothing like that nowadays, so there is hope for OP's niece

Spendless

I never experienced the stroppy getting own way as a kid either as I am 7 years older than my only sibling so would have same experience your eldest does jellyhead. It's been nice for me to watch a sibling relationship that was different to my own (I have 3 year gap between my 2) but it doesn't give you any ways of knowing what to expect!

Does the OP say how old her nephew is?

jellyhead

I don't think so, I've been wondering that too. Maybe he'll soon be old enough to hang around with friends and go out without his mum and sister.

My teenager prefers the company of people who don't have an annoying younger sibling.

HelenKA_2

OP I wonder if you could appeal to your nieces better side like this

One time when you are having a nice time alone with her you can ask her in a low key way how come she behaves like that for mummy but you know she can be very good because she is for you. Possibly site a recent incident and say 'you know, it makes everyone feel sad/cross/horrid when she kicks up like that and mummy does so much for you, you get x,y,z, she takes you to a,b,c etc etc' and how much nicer it would be for everyone if she could sometimes say 'I don't mind mummy' or 'would you like to choose big bro?'

Both children obviously have a good relationship with you so you will be able to get away with having this semi severe talking to to her - try to make it happen when you have the time to immediately follow it up with a bit of time doing something (low key) you both enjoy doing before mum/bro come along.

Then next time she kicks up in your presence raise your eye brows skyward at her when mum isn't in view.

I think it's ok for you to do this ONLY because of your good relationship with them all. I probably wouldn't say anything to either mum or big bro and I'd lay it on big that if niece can show you how nicely she can behave towards the other two then you'll be really pleased and then we will all enjoy our time together so much better because when she behaves like a silly little girl it just makes everything a chore for everyone and the end result will be that at some point it will end up that these nice things won't happen at all.

Stress that you want to be with them and love them and enjoy doing stuff with them - and mummy does too - but she's growing up now and she can't continue with this babyish behaviour.

Also I might take the initiative on holiday to say at the very start of the objections/obstreperous behaviour by niece 'Niece how about we do what you want now and this afternoon we'll do what big bro wants to do then it's fair and everyone gets a turn to choose' Then you do what ever it is she wants and in the afternoon if she starts again you can say 'niece remember we did what you wanted this morning - and we all did it and had fun together so we're doing what big bro wants now because it's his turn to choose. And later it will be mum's turn to choose but tomorrow you'll get your turn to choose again' And if she manages to not have a tantrum (or even if she has less of one than she might have done!) praise her greatly in private at the first opportunity saying 'wasn't that so much nicer that we could all enjoy our time without having to have all the sulking etc we have been having?'.

I sympathise with your sister, the big bro and also niece because sometimes it's learned behaviour that she just needs a helping hand to get out of and we need to show the children that giving can be as pleasurable as getting.

Sorry for lecture - I think I could give super nanny a run for her money sometimes!!

ps did the sandals that didn't fit get taken back for refund?