What do you think you would do if....

casbah

Hey
Read what you have just written, you're doing a great job and being down is clouding your judgement. I'm guessing you're still quite young. Sometimes life is about quality not quantity

Spendless

We are giving the answers from a logical pov cos we are not emotionally involved.

I did base my answer on someone I know in RL though. Slightly different in that she has a biological child, but the dad has not been involved with him and her husband has 2 children from his 1st marriage. She has become obsessed with having a child together (4 failed rounds of IVF and very unlikely to happen given her age and other medical problems) and I just think but instead of putting the (wasted) time and energy and cost into something that was always unlikley to happen, you could have spent it on the children that were already there, learnt to be grateful for them and made more of yoru step-children and what they could bring to your life.

Pixiechic

How long have you been trying to concieve?

Have you and your OH been to the Doctor or had any tests done regarding fertility?

I would try to find out your true fertility situation, with your husband. Then work on the rest together.

fannyanna

casbah wrote: »

I'm guessing you're still quite young.

I'm 26 but I feel like I'm 46

fannyanna

Ok this is the part where I really do sound like a nutcase *hangs head in shame*......

We're not actually at the point where I KNOW we can't have any children. Yes, I am being pathetic and working myself up about something that might not even happen.

I'm being an idi*t and jumping ahead to how I'd feel if I couldn't get pregnant.

This sounds so stupid as I'm typing it but I think in a way I'm scared. I suspect something is up but part of me is too scared to go to the doctors in case they do find something is wrong which will then confirm my fears. I've never had regular periods and since coming off the pill at the beginning of November last year I've not had a period at all.

I think the reason I'm so down tonight is because I'm worrying thinking something could be wrong, I'm then worrying about having to go to the doctors and what they might want to test, I'm worrying about what the results could be and then worrying about the repercussions.

I know, I know - I'm stupid.

Pixiechic

Try not to worry or make any drastic decisions.

You need to go and speak to your Doctor, your want of a child should motivate you there. You might get some good news, good advice and an understanding of your way forward.

What does your husband think?

fannyanna

Pixiechic wrote: »

What does your husband think?

He knows I've been down for the past couple of days but he doesn't know why.

He has his daughter at the weekend and I feel bad to talk about things like my feelings (when they relate to his kids etc) so close to her visit.

belfastgirl23

Are you sure that you aren't just using this thought as a hook to hang your concerns about the two children on though? Being infertile would be a nice 'clean' excuse either not to deal with his previous children or to leave him.

TBH I think you need to leave the whole issue of you being able/not being able to conceive aside - you've only just started trying. And you're only 26 and have years of fertility ahead of you. What you need to think about is do you want to go ahead and have a child with this man, thus tying yourself to him forever, if you're really struggling with a major and defining feature of his life. What will happen if/when you have a baby and you're struggling (as most new mums do) and he is focusing on his other children? Will you be able to let him be a good dad to all his children?

As an aside, two children with two different mums is a track record that would worry me a little in a potential father for my child. Not being mean here, sometimes there are circumstances beyond someone's control or indeed perhaps he has had a rough time in love, but just thought I'd mention it. Sometimes your subconscious knows there's something wrong and your conscious mind misinterprets what it is. Could this be part of your worry?

ellay864

fannyanna wrote: »

Ok this is the part where I really do sound like a nutcase *hangs head in shame*......

We're not actually at the point where I KNOW we can't have any children. Yes, I am being pathetic and working myself up about something that might not even happen.

I'm being an idi*t and jumping ahead to how I'd feel if I couldn't get pregnant.

This sounds so stupid as I'm typing it but I think in a way I'm scared. I suspect something is up but part of me is too scared to go to the doctors in case they do find something is wrong which will then confirm my fears. I've never had regular periods and since coming off the pill at the beginning of November last year I've not had a period at all.

I think the reason I'm so down tonight is because I'm worrying thinking something could be wrong, I'm then worrying about having to go to the doctors and what they might want to test, I'm worrying about what the results could be and then worrying about the repercussions.

I know, I know - I'm stupid.

I had really irregular periods right from when I started aged 16. I went on the pill to try to sort them out but when I came off the pill it waslike it made no difference. Months without one, then when they did start it was every 7-8 weeks...which to me just screamed out that I had 50% less chances of conceiving each year. When we did actually properly start trying I think I feell pregnant within 3 months...I say 'think' as I had a very late heavy period, and given other symptoms I think that was actually a miscarriage, but next time round I was definitely pregnant. After I had DS1 I did go back on the pill as my periods were horrendous again, and when I came off to try for another baby they were also irregular...but within 3 months DS2 was on the way.
Please go to the doctors and put your mind at rest. My friend spent ages unable to conceive and was told that just changing positions would help due to a weird tilt of her womb! Hopefully they will put your mind at rest, and if they do do tests then you'll find out for sure...and can stop tying yourself in knots about whether you should carry on your relationship
Good luck x

fannyanna

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Are you sure that you aren't just using this thought as a hook to hang your concerns about the two children on though? Being infertile would be a nice 'clean' excuse either not to deal with his previous children or to leave him. No, from my point of view whilst it's not ideal that he has children and yes I do struggle I love him so much that this is something I'm willing to work on. I do however think that it would be the straw that broke the camels back if I was unable to have a child with him.

TBH I think you need to leave the whole issue of you being able/not being able to conceive aside - you've only just started trying. And you're only 26 and have years of fertility ahead of you. What you need to think about is do you want to go ahead and have a child with this man, thus tying yourself to him forever, if you're really struggling with a major and defining feature of his life. What will happen if/when you have a baby and you're struggling (as most new mums do) and he is focusing on his other children? Will you be able to let him be a good dad to all his children? Oh I'm sure I will have a problem. Like you said most new parents struggle and I'm sure I will have moments when I feel like I need his support but his attention is elsewhere. I think this is something I would be able to deal with though.

As an aside, two children with two different mums is a track record that would worry me a little in a potential father for my child. Not being mean here, sometimes there are circumstances beyond someone's control or indeed perhaps he has had a rough time in love, but just thought I'd mention it. Sometimes your subconscious knows there's something wrong and your conscious mind misinterprets what it is. Could this be part of your worry? I completely appreciate your comments here. This used to be a hang-up of mine but I know that my husband is not the same man that I met - he's grown up and made many positive improvements since I met him - even his Mum has commented about how he has changed since we met. With DD1 it was him that was the fool (but he was young and stupid at the time). With DD2 I think he was just unfortunate - his ex is not very nice (but I appreciate it takes two to tango and there is obviously always two sides to any story

I've commented direct in the quote above - hopefully this posts ok.