What do you think you would do if....

fannyanna

you were married

your husband had two children from two previous relationships (something you really struggled with but dealt with the best you could for the sake of your marriage and the relationship between your husband and the children)

you and husband really wanted children of your own

but for some reason you were unable to have children

???

Would you stay married and childless (with the constant reminder that your husband had children with two other women).

or

Find the above unbearable and move on from your marriage.

or

Make an attempt to have children of your own via IVF, adoption etc. But what if they weren't successful?

Lunar_Eclipse

I would explore all the options available to have children. So option 3.

If that didn't work, and I was happily married, option 1.

I'm struggling to understand the thought process behind option 2, since I believe marriage about a shared life together, with or without children. I would struggle to lose the love of my life if I was also dealing with the devastation of not being able to have children if I wanted them badly. I would consider counseling if I felt it would help (and love/treat my step children like they were my own.)

I know it would be very difficult if we wanted children and couldn't have them, but I would try to look at what I did have in my life, instead of what I didn't. Life isn't fair and having children is full of positives and negatives; it's really not the be all and end all of a happy, loving marriage. x

whispywillow

fannyanna wrote: »

you were married

your husband had two children from two previous relationships (something you really struggled with but dealt with the best you could for the sake of your marriage and the relationship between your husband and the children)

you and husband really wanted children of your own

but for some reason you were unable to have children

???

Would you stay married and childless (with the constant reminder that your husband had children with two other women).

or

Find the above unbearable and move on from your marriage.

or

Make an attempt to have children of your own via IVF, adoption etc. But what if they weren't successful?

If you really want kids then there is always your latter option. I don't think for the moment you should be worrying about being sucessful in it or not, i think the main thing would be to apply in the first place and then cross that bridge when you come to it. But don't 'not try' just because your scared of failing - where would we be now if everyone had that attitude!
Also, there is always fostering! I know its not the same and it can be quite hard work, but it can be very rewarding, and as far as i know there is options for foster parents to adopt at a later date??

As far as moving on from your marriage - if you truly felt that you could only be happy with children, and had tried every option, then there is no point in staying in something that you are not going to be happy with. But you would have to be 100% sure on who the 'problem' (for want of a better word) in regards to the 'barreness' was with - if it was with your husband, and there was a chance for you to have kids with someone else, then if the other options weren't acceptable to you, you may only be wondering if you could have kids with someone else, but in my opinion of you truly love your husband then you would be able to stay with him regardless. Saying that, if the 'problem' was with you, it wouldnt matter who you were with, you still wouldnt be able to bear children, you get me?

I come at this from the point of view of someone who had to suffer the jealousy of my step mum that my dad had kids to someone else and she couldnt bear any. She tormented me and my sister when we were kids, she did the nastiest things. Not saying that you would EVER be like that however!!!!!

But i think its something that you and your husband really need to sit down and talk about, tell him everything thats on your mind and get it all out in the open. Because who knows whats on his mind too!! There are lots of options availiable to you though! xx

Artytarty

I'd try all medical avenues possible, I think I'd try to get to know and have a relationship with my husbands children too.
I wouldnt just "move on".

Spendless

Presumably I'd know that my husband had kids from prev relationship/s prior to marrying him?

I'd try IVF but I wouldn't become obsessed by it and in the event it didn't work, I'd think how lucky I was to still be able to play a part in childrens lives in the step-parent role.

I wouldn't walk away from the marriage cos he couldn't provide me with children. My husband is someone I love not a means to obtain a baby.

rachbc

I wouldn't even consider option 2 - you loose the man you love but don't gain the chance to have children.

I would go for option 3 but if that didn't come to fruition I would stay and hopefully work on my feelings about his other children and try and see them as a opportunity to take on a maternal type role and provide a positive outlet for your desire to have children

peachyprice

Wot she says ^^^^^

You don't enter into a marriage with a man who already has children then resent him those children because things aren't working out as you planned.

If a man had made that comment he would be called all the b!!!!!!s under the sun for not accepting his wife and children as a package.

Emmzi

it would depend on why I got married in the first place - not everyone marries for love.

casbah

You've made a three fold problem into one.
Would you leave him if HE couldn't have anymore children?
I would have to decide if I could live without him, If I loved him anything else would be a bonus.
The shoe is on the other foot for me, I have the children but their Dad wanted someone else, he has not seen my Son who turns 18 next month, his loss I promise you, there is NO ONE on this planet could make me give up my kids, enjoy his children, they are a part of him and having a dad who is happy with his Wife makes them happy too.

onlyroz

I would pick option 1, but I can understand why some would pick 3. I don't know why anyone in a loving marriage would pick option 2.

fannyanna

Thank you for your responses - which are all completely logical and rationale.

I feel a bit silly even asking the question but I'm a bit down at the moment and I guess I'm working myself up into a state.

I appreciate I come across as completely selfish and an id*ot.

How I feel right now (but I know it's because I'm down) is that if we couldn't have children I would feel that I was constantly having my nose rubbed in the fact that he already has children with other women. I know it's wrong but I already struggle with the fact that he has children. I am not a natural step mum by any means. I of course make every effort to ensure that his children are not aware of my feelings and I think I actually do a very good job. I know that it is MY problem and I would never do anything to harm the relationship my husband has with his children. I really don't know whether I'd be strong enough to carry on pretending I was ok with everything if I knew I wasn't able to have my own child. I think I would end up very resentful (not of his children but of the fact that he has children from previous relationships). I think it would certainly drive me mental and I fear that it would become apparent - and as I said I don't want to become an evil step mum or anything. As another poster said their stepmum was in a similar position and became jealous - that's not fair on the children.

I of course did know that he had children before I married him. He never kept this from me. Unfortunately I was blinded by love at first and did not fully appreciate the reality of him having children until I was madly in love with him.

I should mention I would probably look at this in a more logical point if my frame of mind was different. I'm not always a crazy, selfish moo - honest

Sorry that was such a waffle.