Bit of Advice Please Rgarding My Children

SixNineSix

Hey all.

Ok, here goes.

basically couple weeks ago, my partner (whos 27) said she didnt love me anymore and that after she has had her operation (tumour), we would split up. I was devestated, but i managed to talk to her and convince her that we should try to make it work for our 2 children (boy 4 girl 1), she agreed and said we'll see how it goes.

I tried really hard, did everything i could, but she didnt try at all.

Last thursday, i receieved an email from one of her work colleagues that she is having an open affair with a 21 year old kid from her work. When i confronted her, she said yes she has, that she wants to be with him and that she didnt want to be with me.

I told her, as i have all along, that if we split, im having the children. I went, with the kids and stopped at my moms for a couple of days and told her to pack her things and go. Which she agreed to.

I've since returned home with the children.

Ive told her that i want full legal custody of the children, which she said she will agree to and sign.

basically for the last 4-5 years, i have been a stop at home dad. i have raised the children. breakfast, school run, dinner, another school run, out in the daytime, cook their food then when she gets home from work she would half the time take them to bed.

She was out of the house in the morning at 7:00am while the kids were in bed and she returned at 6:30pm and spent an hour with the kids before they went to bed. Some days she would work 12 hour shifts, so she was out the house at 7, and got home at 8;30 when the kids were asleep, so she didnt see them at all. She also worked pretty much fortnightly at weekends, saturdays 12 hour shift or sunday 12 hour shift.

She has provided, i have raised the children. I'm basically their "mother" if you know what i mean. I love my children more than anything and cant imagine my life without them day to day, its what has matured me into the man i am today and im proud of the children i have raised.

So far, i have phoned income support and they had a long chat and took everything down and i have a review tomorrow at the job centre to finalise my claim, ill also sort out my housing benefit.

Ive phoned child tax credits and they are sending the forms out to fill in.

My ex is phoning child benefit today to cancel her benefit and i can then send my forms off that i have here.

ive phoned my landlord and he is willing to change the tennancy to my name only aslong as i can prove that i can pay the rent and keep the place tidy, which it always has been. ive just spoke with him on the telephone and hes a nice man, he said he'll help anyway he can and he doesnt see any problems with me living there alone.

As for the solicitors, this is the bit that i need help with.

basically i want full custody of my children. i want them living with me and their residence here. i will allow my ex to see her children of the weekend for sleepovers and she can also take them out in the week whenever she has any time off work. Now, do i contact solicitor now while my benefits are being processed and not have to pay, or will they charge me while they are being set up. Do i have to wait until i have money going into the account before the solicitor is free?

Also, what kind of things can i do to greatly help my chances of having my children full time. i know im a father, but i am the childrens "mother". i see them every day and do everything for them. She is homeless at the moment, living with her parents.

Do i write out some letter saying that she agrees for me to have custody and she is having them on weekends and during the week when her job allows and get her to sign that so i can show it in court? will that help?

i also was gonna ask my sons nursery headteacher to write me a statement that she can present, saying that i take the kids to and from school every day, the kids are always clean, healthy and always happy and how im doing a great job. the womans nice and likes me and has said anything she can do to help just ask her.

so as it stands;

- the children live with me on a verbal agreement, she visits the house after work when she is able to for an hour, she can also see them on weekends when work allows.

- my house is the childrens home, its where they have been born into. school is a 5 minute walk away

- she is homeless at the moment

- income support, i have interview tomorrow

- child benefits, my ex has to phone and cancel then i can send my forms

- child tax credits the form is in the post

- house benefit, ill ask at job centre tomorrow

- i own the house they live in, it will be in my name.

ALSO, she has said that she is taking sofa, bed, wardrobes, washing machine, dryer, TV and a couple other things when she gets her own place. (yes i know, before you say it, a mother taking clean washing away from her own children).

but my mom has got me a form so that i can claim for a grant off the government to replace items she is taking. I aint quite sure how much i should ask for yet, i know my step dad asked for £1300 and got £600 when he left.

is there ANYTHING else that anyone can add to what i have or havnt done. any advice on the solicitors or where i stand regarding court costs. what else can i do basically.

thank you for reading, sorry its a bit long

Dan

HalfPint

Hi,

just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear about the split and well done on being an organised and loving father!

You have most things in hand from what I can see. As you dont say where you live, I'm assuming you are resident in England (Scottish law is quite different).

You should qualify for legal aid and I woudnt wait to see a solicitor. Get an appointment asap (the first one is usually free anyway) You can apply for a residence order and get the help and advice you need.

Best of luck.

HP x

Jowo_2

I am confused by talk about your owning a house somewhere where "they" live and getting housing benefit elsewhere as a tenant. Do clarify.

Your children have two parents, they were also raised by your ex. They have one mother and one father. One may have been more of a material provider and one may have had more child raising responsibilities but one role doesn't make them ineligible to be regarded as their mother or father...

redpete

SixNineSix wrote: »

ALSO, she has said that she is taking sofa, bed, wardrobes, washing machine, dryer, TV and a couple other things when she gets her own place.

She might say that but what have you agreed that she could take?

lovetowinacar

Just want to say good luck. Best wishes

SixNineSix

ok the house is a rented place, private landlord in England. At the moment the tennancy is in mine and hers name, but shes contacted the landlord and told him she wants her name took off. ive phoned the landlord and hes happy for me to take over the tennancy by myself.

she basically said she is taking the washer, dryer, 2 wardrobes, chest of drawers, TV, sofa and the double bed as its stuff she bought or her mother bought.

im having everything else.

i know legally i am entitled to 50%, but i just want it handled quickly and politely to get this over and done with so i can move on with my life.

tod123

Also, what kind of things can i do to greatly help my chances of having my children full time. i know im a father, but i am the childrens "mother". i see them every day and do everything for them. She is homeless at the moment, living with her parents.

Do i write out some letter saying that she agrees for me to have custody and she is having them on weekends and during the week when her job allows and get her to sign that so i can show it in court? will that help?

On the first point, the longer you have the kids the better chance you have of maintaining the situation. A court will often support the 'status quo' if it shown that the kids are looked after correctly and stable.

On the 2nd point , you can write out any number of agreements and letters , but all they will be is an agreement between two adults , and not bound by laws, which do not exist anyway, to support them.

I would try and keep your ex sweet for 6 months , let her have the access she wants, avoid arguments , keep telling her you just want the best for the kids, dont get into money arguments , keep a diary that shows what you are doing for the kids and how often she visits etc. Then when you have that time under your belt , get it all tied up legally.

Good luck

mum24boys

Dont forget the CSA. You will be entitled to 20% of her income.

SixNineSix

ah, csa.

right, thats last on my agenda, i dont want to annoy her or anything, thats why ive not gone and beat this guy shes seeing into a bloody pulp, i have to stay calm and do everything right and by the law. i dont want anything coming to bite me in the !!! in court.

am i right in saying that if i speak to the csa, they will contact her, but even though its 20% which is about £400 a month, i will only see about £100 of it due to my benefits im claiming? cant i sort something between the 2 of us so it would be financially better for me? or does the csa she pays count towards something, like national insurance or something.

so yeah, whats best, csa and get small sum, or mutual agreement of something

this month (monday), she said she will give me £150 for the kids, but that is not concrete for every month, its just a number she said she could do this month

MummyCat123

Hi ya,

if your oldest is 4 years old and you are on the birth certificates for both children, then you should automatically have Parental Responsibilty for them, as has the mother,

To establish where they will live full time, it is best to get a Residency Order from the court, which will hopefully be easy as your ex doesn't sound like she is contesting the living arrangements - you both should be present for the hearing - if you qualify for Legal Aid, then there should be no charge for this, but the Solicitor will require proof of your benefit entitlement.

Hopefully you both will maintain good communication and a healthy relationship for the sake of the children etc, but whilst there, it is probably a good idea to have the judge detail contact arrangements with your ex in the court document, so that everything is official, in black & white and you both know where you stand.

I'm in no way making assumptions about your chosen arrangement, but I have knowledge of this through a friend's experiences:

if you both have Parental Responsibilty and no established Order of Residency is in place, one parent can quite legally pick up the children from school and take them away for a weekend, without a) informing the other parent, and b) with no intervention by the police, as due to the shared Parental Responsibility - no laws have been broken.

It was quite an extreme event and caused such unnecessary worry, but they were a couple that seemed to get on fine after the initial split, and then as soon as she found another partner, about a year later, the children were then employed as a kind of emotional weapon by the Father.

Anywho, a Residency Order sorted the entire issue out and was really simple to achieve - it also makes people more accountable for their actions in the future (he then went onto break his contact arrangements repeatedly amongst other things, and in the end had his Parental Responsibilty removed.)

I hope you take this in a nice way - But a judge will be looking for parents to simply acknowledge their full responsibilities as parents - regardless of the reasons for the breakdown in their actual relationship, be mindful of the way you articulate yourself; rather than saying "She had an affair and I will allow her to see the children at weekends..." you should frame your justification with "I genuinely believe that it is in the best interests of the children, for - and - to remain with myself at the address they have lived at for X amount of time, to neither disrupt their established routines nor cause them unneccesary upset by the changes in our family unit" Etc etc.

Ideally you should get on to the Residency Order as quickly as possible - it appears from your post that things are civil between the two of you, and one would hope that they remain so, but if you share Parental Responsibilty and have the same Legal Rights over the children, she is just as entitled to change her mind and request full custody.

Hope that helps? MCx

tattycath

I think the law has changed now and no matter how much maintenance you receive, your benefits won't be cut anyway-hopefully someone will be along shortly to clarify this.