Too hard on my teenager (too soft more likely?)

balletshoes

oh i just remembered something about the no contact when out etc - my friend is going through this with her teenage daughter, and now if she calls her and daughter doesn't pick up the call, mum starts calling all her friends' mobiles instead - very embarrassing for daughter, and she usually only has to call one mate before, strangely enough, daughter calls home :T. My friend got her daughters friends numbers when they call the house for her, just noted them all down.

Minxz

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Actually, it's worth mentioning Parentline, which won't rescue you but will be a calm and reassuring voice on the other end of the phone! :rotfl: I am assuming they are the charity which used to be called Parentline, but they now seem to be Family Lives!

I've used them recently to talk about my son... and they are very good, it's like talking to a counsellor over the phone, and it's calming, helped me a lot one day
make use of them if you need to, it's what they're there for x

Mum-2-Be

You're definetly not strict hun!

My mum and dad had plenty of rules for me that were alot tougher!
I worked from the age of 15 as my parents gave me very little money. I cooked for myself, did washings, my own ironing and cleaned any dishes etc I used. I also had to walk the dog every day as I wanted him so it was my responsibilty. I had to have my phone on and with me, let them know where I was going and if Id be back that night or staying out (when I was older this was). If I had a boy in my room the light was on and the door wide open. Boys were not allowed to stay and I couldnt stay with them FULL STOP till I moved out at 19.

I used to ask why my brother had so much more freedom and was told "its different for boys", it wasnt up for discussion.
If I kept running my mouth my parents would shrug and say "move out then", so I had to play by the rules

Jinx

olibrofiz wrote: »

Do I expect too much from my 16yr old DD, & am I too strict? Or too soft.

When she goes out I want to know where she's going, and expect her mobile to be charged & on so I can reach her if need be. Explain you only want her to be safe so you need to know where shes going and you will only call her if shes late as you'll be worried. ie if you say home at 10, then you'll phone at 10.05. Shes trying to be cool which does not mean looking as though your mum can call you anytime...

She wants more freedom (which means sleeping round friends houses at the drop of a hat, and to which I sometimes say no - & a definate no to all night parties where parents are absent) Sometimes you need to trust her and say yes instead of no....even if its picking her up at midnight rather than staying over.

At a minimum I expect her to put bottles in the recycling, crisp & choc wrappers in the bin, dirty plates in the kitchen and her dirty clothes in the laundry basket. Her school bag to be emptied of any food each day, DVD's/CD's put away, & tidy up after herself. Fair enough!

Instead I have empty pop bottles in every room, wrappers shoved in any space, knickers & sox all over the house as the dog steals them, the dogs fighting over her school bag cos there's half a sandwich in there, and one of the dogs is a chewer so anythings fair game (DVD's, CD's hair ties, batteries, hair clips etc). The only place that should be as messy as she wants is her room...anything left elsewhere goes in the bin. Shut the door on her room and dont do her washing or ironing.

After taking DD on a surprise day out yesterday (the venue of which, when we got there, she said wasn't as great as she'd imagined it would be) and spending a fortune, when we got back she announced she was leaving to sleep at a friends (boy) that night and when I said no told me all her friends, and their parents, think I'm too strict & I need to let her have a life. Dont take her out then or find cheaper events or accept you are no longer cool and at this phase everyone else parents are cooler and less strict so she wants to be with them and not you.

I'm afraid I saw red and pointed out that the parents probably aren't as strict evidenced by the fact that one of these friends has dropped out of school and the other goes when they feel like it. And aother friend goes out to get smashed & smoke weed on a regular basis. I was so mad I even said that when she was 18 I'd pay up to £500 for her to use as a deposit for a flat. LOL thats quite restrained, I threw the hairbrush at my DD I did send her to her dads a couple of times, just called him and told him to collect her for a few hours. Time apart is VERY valuable just occasionally....

Can't go on like this, I know she's a teenager testing the boundaries but very, very often I just want to get in the car and drive as far away as I can, & I'm getting REALLY close to doing just that, book some leave & go. I've also said that when she finishes her GCSEs this year if she doesn't go to college, or get a job, she'll be going to live with her dad as I won't be able to afford to keep her (she's bleeding me dry) Why dont you send her to stay with her dad for a few days while you have a break? And re her bleeding you dry, I used to give my DD pocket money and when that was spent that was it till next month. Of course sometimes this helps with the idea of getting a job

REally don't know what I'm doing. Any thoughts welcomed. Of course you do, you're trying you best under difficult circumstances....[/QUOTE]

Pick your battles and be kind to yourself.... They are fortunately only teenagers for a while.... (mine just turned 19 and is away from home at Uni, all comes good in the end)

Svenena

Sounds like me when I was 16. I couldn't stand my mum being so nagging and intrusive - as far as I was concerned it was MY room, MY life, etc. I'm sure I was a delight! Most 16 year olds think they know best, and I don't think you can do anything about that - they realise as they grow up!

I don't have any advice on the best way to handle it, but I would say to tread carefully. It got so I couldn't stand to live at home, and after a year at college, I dropped out aged 17 and got a job so I could move out. This was not easy when all my friends were still at college, and I had an awful relationship with my mum, which hasn't improved a great deal since. I hated being constantly asked what I was doing, where I was going, who was going to be there, etc. It's a difficult one though, because I understand that parents want to know their children are safe. At the time I genuinely thought it was none of her business, especially as I knew I wasn't doing anything at all wild.

Looking back I think I was actually quite spoiled as a child/teenager (probably an issue of guilt with my parents having divorced, as well as always being a latchkey kid). I think I felt like I could always get what I wanted, all I had to do was have enough attitude or complain enough, and punishments were never followed through with, so I didn't take them seriously, or respect my mum. I'm not saying this is the case with the OP, but it's easily done unintentionally.

If for example you're paying for phone credit, explain that this is on the condition that she texts to let you know where she's going. If she doesn't, she doesn't get credit bought for her the next month, etc. If she's bleeding you dry, there's an obvious tool for negotiation there. Maybe a set amount a month, and if the chores, etc aren't done, there's a fixed penalty. You have to stick with what's agreed though, or you won't be taken seriously!

On the plus side, people grow up. My room used to always be a pigsty, but I've become a pretty tidy person over time. And I went back to college after a few years and then to university, and got a good job.

vesper

She sounds like a typical teenager to me. I remember being told that if I wanted more lee-way and be treated like a grown up then I had to act like one ie doing my own cleaning and washing etc.
I always remember having to phone my parents up when I was out to let them know I was ok and this is before everyone had mobiles. I used to have to go round to the phone box and ring three times to let them know I was fine.
On money terms you say that she is bleeding you dry. I was given a monthly allowance that had to pay for everything I wanted except essentials for school and school uniform. That way I learnt how to manage my own money and if I was skint at the end of the month and wanted to go out then it was tough luck. Also if I wanted something it meant I had to save up for it and therefore appreciated it much more. I think this is a really good idea, as most children these days do not appreciate the value of money. It has also meant that in my adulthood I am really good with money and don't buy items I don't need.

Room wise and mess wise, there are two ways of dealing with this. Either just leave it as it is, therefore if something gets ruined its her problem, or if she needs 'that' top for a night out and it isn't clean then again that's her fault for leaving it on the bedroom floor. I used to have to make sure that everything that needed washing was put in a laundry basket, if it wasn't then it wasn't washed and I had nothing to wear. Again if something gets ruined then tough, she will have to replace it. Why should you have to pay for something that she could have prevented getting ruined.
My mum found that this way always worked better than way2 which as others mentioned is the bin method. If left on floor bin it (or at least hide it in the shed).

Sounds like she needs to understand the effects that leaving stuff has. Don't run around after her anymore otherwise she is always going to depend on you (in a bad way IYKWIM). My OH's Mum used to run around after him so much even at the age of 30 he left clothes on the floor and then would take them to hers for her to wash (I refused to as he would leave them everywhere and never put them in the laundry basket).
If she disobeys you don't just think about grounding, that never worked with me as we lived too far away from anyone to go out with very often. My mum used to take away the things that were precious to me, especially my cd player. Used to ensure that I was good as gold as there's no way I can survive without music playing.

uolypool

balletshoes wrote: »

oh i just remembered something about the no contact when out etc - my friend is going through this with her teenage daughter, and now if she calls her and daughter doesn't pick up the call, mum starts calling all her friends' mobiles instead - very embarrassing for daughter, and she usually only has to call one mate before, strangely enough, daughter calls home :T. My friend got her daughters friends numbers when they call the house for her, just noted them all down.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: Love it.My boys have their mobiles on silent or vibrate when they are at school and "forget";) to turn it back onto ring once school has finished I get so mad when I can't get hold of them perhaps I should try this