Too hard on my teenager (too soft more likely?)

Savvy_Sue

pigpen wrote: »

1 had a baby at 14, most are constantly drunk and a few are taking drugs too.

I read that 'one' as an I :eek:

Anyway, all sounds perfectly reasonable to me, and I wouldn't be putting carrier bags in the garden, they would go in the bin, preferably on bin night.

Mankysteve

Sounds about right to me. But I would be stricter on the rubbish stuff.

You dont need to make kids do things from them to learn life skills. My parents were did what was probably too much but i learnt my life skill though my parent encourage all to think for ourselves and learn for learning sake rather than making us do anything and I've turned out all right.

jayII

olibrofiz wrote: »

Thank you all. She's a good kid all in all, but she does NOTHING that I ask yet wants me to be at her beck and call, and I've just had enough.

She's got a provisional offer of a place at college but refuses to do any revision for her GCSE's and has now announced she thinks she'd rather get a job (at the moment the world owes her a living and she wouldn't last 5 minutes in a job, trust me).

Owl - I got mad the other week and put all her stuff that was lying around, that I'd asked her for weeks to tidy away, in carrier bags and chucked it on the front lawn.

She came home and picked it up, and hid them in the front room where it festered for days till I got fed up and chucked it out again. She brought it all in and hid it again :mad:

I'd ground her and/or remove spending money and treats, until the things are picked up and she starts doing her agreed chores and revision.

I think I'm too soft on my two, but they do have daily chores, plus I expect them to help out when I ask them to, straight away. I only ask if I need to, when I'm very busy, and I expect them to respect that.

I also expect them to keep their rooms relatively tidy, and to pick things up if I ask them too, without rude or unpleasant comments.

I let the odd grumpy/moody day slide, but they are part of a family and if they can't follow basic rules then they're grounded or have pocket money sanctioned until they can behave decently.

gonzo127

haha i have also gutted my Stepdaughters room before due to it being a mess (this was 5 years ago now), although i gave her ample time to tidy it, i gave her 2 weeks and told her if it is not tidy by 6pm on the Sunday then i was going in with bin bags and tidying it for her, she didnt do it properly as she just moved everything into a pile in the corner so come 6pm i went into her room and gutted it, CD's, playstation games, her mp3 player, clothes (clean and dirty), school work, everything that was not put away in a tidy manner, and then throw them in the bin with her watching (i went back out after she had gone to sleep and put them in my boot) i kept up the pretense of having thrown all her stuff and told her that she would have to buy everything she wanted back out of her pocket money (which she only gets if she helps out)

after 2 weeks of her doing what she was told when she was told i got everything back out of my boot and informed her that although she is getting it back now if it ever gets into that state again they will end up in the bin and stay there, since then i have not had a problem with her bedroom being too untidy (it is still a teenagers room so have to expect some)

to be honest i dont think there is a magic solution - although i absolutely love the idea of going out one evening and not answering you phone to show her what its like to worry, i think the thing is just trying to change your behavour and responses, dont shout, do not respond when she is having a stress and try and be reasonable and explain your reasons

i think the phrase i use, which i know pee's my SD off so much, but which seems to work eventually is 'if you talk to me like a adult you will be treated like an adult, if you are going to have a strop and paddy i will treat you like a child so its up to you how you want to have this discussion' - this is usually followed by a frusted growl and stomping up the stairs 5 mins later i usually have her come down and we will talk things through, sometimes i will give in if her reasoning isnt too dodgy others i wont budge but i will always exaplin my reasoning why

milliemonster

I don't think you are being too strict at all and this sounds very much like the usual teen girl/parent battles that i had with my own parents.

Even when I was 18 and worked weekends at the local pub for some extra cash my dad always insisted on picking me up at closing and not letting me walk home late at night on my own (even though it was a 5 min walk), at the time I hated it but as a parent now I understand why.

My argument would be, it's not about you treating your dd as a child but just out of respect and courtesy for someone else who is part of your close family who lives with you. If I go out, I tell my oh where I'm going and what time I expect to be home and I'm 38!!!!, what if something happens to someone close to you and you need to get hold of your dd? you need to know where she is, yes she has her phone but that might me mislaid, battery dead etc, it is plain courtesy for her to let you know where she is.

My dd is coming up to 13 and I no doubt will be the same as you and probably right until she leaves home, the way I see it, my house rules are I want to know where everyone is, and what time they expect to be home, no matter what age they are, I don't think it's too much to ask.

icelandic_queen

This could be my 16 year old!!! ! She is basically a good kid but it takes a load of yelling, cajoling and finally throwing everything in the black bin to get her to lift her stuff!! Even when she does finally tidy up after her she mutters away under her breath about phoning Childline!! I just tell her what my mother said to me many a time " If you don't stop gurning, I'll give you something to gurn about"!!

gratefulforhelp_2

olibrofiz wrote: »

Do I expect too much from my 16yr old DD, & am I too strict? Or too soft.

when I said no told me all her friends, and their parents, think I'm too strict & I need to let her have a life.

You are her parent and not her bessie mate, and you will do and judge as you see fit, with her best interests in mind, and this means her best long term interests and not what will suit her best today.

I don't have a 16 year old yet, but I work with them, and they all use the "other people think you're too strict" line. She's working at the chink in the armour of your confidence, and she needs you to calmly and confidently reinforce your reasonable expectations.

I'm sure its bl00dy hard work, and I can't wait until the DDs are teenagers and I am wrong all the time:eek:

She'll be glad you gave her these boundaries when she is older, and if there are any areas you feel you can negotiate on for better results in others...then you will not weaken your position, so long as she is clear you are having a discussion with her as an almost adult and remaining flexible as she gets older.

Flexible will work, caving in won't! Lots of luck.

euronorris

nearlyrich wrote: »

Forgot to say my DD is working and 23, she will always let us know when she is expected to be home, I am not a control freak it's just good manners to let people know you are safe and if you want feeding...

This is something I used to do also, out of courtesy to my Mum, not because I had to. I didn't want her worrying herself senseless if I wasn't home by 1am (for example) because I had decided to stay at a friend's house instead, or that I wouldn't be home at thee usual time as I was going out after work.

A simple text message isn't exactly taxing.

barbiedoll

icelandic_queen wrote: »

Even when she does finally tidy up after her she mutters away under her breath about phoning Childline!!

I think it's about time that Esther Rantzen set up a "Parentline" so that we could ring up and someone would come and rescue us from our horrible kids!!

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Amber07

Until I moved out at 20, I always had to let my parents know where I was going and when I was expected back, with a quick call or text to let them know if plans changed or if I was going to stay with a friend.

I didn't have a problem with it - it wasn't that they wanted to try and stop me doing anything, they just wanted to know that I was safe, (and if anything happened, they would have info to pass to the police):eek:


OP, I don't think you seem too strict, you obviously only have her best interests in mind and one day she will appreciate that. I echo the posters who said ask her for her friends' parents numbers