Too hard on my teenager (too soft more likely?)

olibrofiz

Do I expect too much from my 16yr old DD, & am I too strict? Or too soft.

When she goes out I want to know where she's going, and expect her mobile to be charged & on so I can reach her if need be. She wants more freedom (which means sleeping round friends houses at the drop of a hat, and to which I sometimes say no - & a definate no to all night parties where parents are absent)

At a minimum I expect her to put bottles in the recycling, crisp & choc wrappers in the bin, dirty plates in the kitchen and her dirty clothes in the laundry basket. Her school bag to be emptied of any food each day, DVD's/CD's put away, & tidy up after herself.

Instead I have empty pop bottles in every room, wrappers shoved in any space, knickers & sox all over the house as the dog steals them, the dogs fighting over her school bag cos there's half a sandwich in there, and one of the dogs is a chewer so anythings fair game (DVD's, CD's hair ties, batteries, hair clips etc).

After taking DD on a surprise day out yesterday (the venue of which, when we got there, she said wasn't as great as she'd imagined it would be) and spending a fortune, when we got back she announced she was leaving to sleep at a friends (boy) that night and when I said no told me all her friends, and their parents, think I'm too strict & I need to let her have a life.

I'm afraid I saw red and pointed out that the parents probably aren't as strict evidenced by the fact that one of these friends has dropped out of school and the other goes when they feel like it. And aother friend goes out to get smashed & smoke weed on a regular basis. I was so mad I even said that when she was 18 I'd pay up to £500 for her to use as a deposit for a flat.

Can't go on like this, I know she's a teenager testing the boundaries but very, very often I just want to get in the car and drive as far away as I can, & I'm getting REALLY close to doing just that, book some leave & go. I've also said that when she finishes her GCSEs this year if she doesn't go to college, or get a job, she'll be going to live with her dad as I won't be able to afford to keep her (she's bleeding me dry)

REally don't know what I'm doing. Any thoughts welcomed

balletshoes

I'm not there yet olibrofiz, but big hugs to you, and I'll be watching this thread with interest and looking for tips for the future!

Blackpool_Saver

oh yes, i went through all this until my son met his GF, now it's all based around her, it's a phase, trust me

minerva_windsong

I don't have any advice, but I don't think you're being unfair - my parents had (and still do with things like plates, tidying up etc) similar rules to you when I was a teenager and, whilst I resented not having freedom (although mine was to do stuff that I wanted to do by myself) to do what I wanted, I still did what they asked.

Owl

My Mum used to put all the stuff I'd left around in my bed!!!!! Soon realised that it was easier to put it away after go one!!!!

skylight

olibrofiz wrote: »

said no told me all her friends, and their parents, think I'm too strict & I need to let her have a life.

Every teen in the world says this!!!

Call her bluff and ask her for her friends numbers so she can ask their parents.

sweetilemon

Does she have a job? If you are forbidding her to go places shes only going to fight against you. Was there a reason she wasnt able to stay at his house that night ie school night? Is she quite mature or easily lead. They are reasonable rules but at 16 it doesnt always feel like that. Maybe discuss things with her rather than fighting to keep her as your baby, as hard as it is.

olibrofiz

Thank you all. She's a good kid all in all, but she does NOTHING that I ask yet wants me to be at her beck and call, and I've just had enough.

She's got a provisional offer of a place at college but refuses to do any revision for her GCSE's and has now announced she thinks she'd rather get a job (at the moment the world owes her a living and she wouldn't last 5 minutes in a job, trust me).

Owl - I got mad the other week and put all her stuff that was lying around, that I'd asked her for weeks to tidy away, in carrier bags and chucked it on the front lawn.

She came home and picked it up, and hid them in the front room where it festered for days till I got fed up and chucked it out again. She brought it all in and hid it again :mad:

kingfisherblue

It doesn't sound as though you expect too much in the house - my two boys are younger (11 and 12) and the older of the two has Down's syndrome and numerous medical problems. I expect them (and their older sister, age 19) to clear the table of their dishes, empty the bins, put out the recycling, tidy up after themselves, put dirty washing in the linen bin and clean washing in their drawers, and change their sheets. My son with DS needs some help with changing his sheets, as he is only little and he is in a cabin bed - his arms are too short

My eleven year old cooks a great shepherd's pie and his full English breakfasts are a treat. He's keen to experiment with more recipes and I'm keen to encourage him, but I am aware of safety issues, so he is well supervised.

If children don't help out around the house, they are ill equipped for life - my ex could barely boil water when we married, because his mum had done everything for him.

My daughter is 19 and still lives at home. In addition to the above jobs, she has to help with cooking and cleaning, put on the washer and dryer, and pay some board. When she goes out, she tells me where she is going (although it might just be 'town - not sure what clubs though'). She has a contract phone (which she pays for) and it has to be charged before she goes out. If she is meeting friends, she texts me when she has met up with them. She does the same when she gets the train to her friend who is at university and goes to stay there.

When she has a night out and is staying at friends afterwards, she texts to say that she has reached their house safely. If she is coming home, she either rings or texts while she is on the bus. If she is in a taxi, she texts the registration number to me before she gets in, and either rings or texts.

Yes, I might be strict, but I am also safety conscious. Maybe that's because I read too many crime novels

olibrofiz

Skylight - I know the parents, and know they're having problems with their kids.

Sweetilemon - no, she doesn't have a job - she had a paper round about a year ago but gave up after a few weeks, so I did it for a while hoping she's realise what a doddle it was for the ££££ she'd get. She never did & I stopped doing it.

the reason I was saying no to her staying at this boys house (even though I've know his mum for years) is cos, as he doesn't go to school he doesn't get up till 1pm, 2pm. So I knew they'd be sitting in the lounge watching DVD's till 6am

nearlyrich

You have to have reasonable house rules you are her mother not her maid, pick your battles and stand your ground on the issues that mean the most to you, my two are 25 and 23 and they seem to have turned out OK. I didn't wash anything that didn't appear in the washing basket and I didn't chase around tidying up after them, they had to take a turn at doing the family washing and cooked at least one meal a week for the family from the age of around 14, simple stuff like chilli or spag bol etc at first.

The pop bottle and wrapper situation is easy to resolve don't buy them and don't give her any cash, she will soon get the message, if she behaves like a toddler treat her like one..