From Council to private renting ....

NikNox

bestpud wrote: »

I realise this goes against the grain but would the mother let you or your OH in to do something with the kids bedroom?

Maybe try and partition it off or something?

Perhaps as a birthday present or something?

I so wish that that were possible, but sadly mum and dad don't converse, on any level. Contact is Court ordered and set fairly rigidly. I am the devil incarnate simply because I exist I think!! We keep to ourselves where she is concerned.

NikNox

anguk wrote: »

Maybe it's best if the girl's father has a word with her, or perhaps has a chat with his ex about raising the poor girl's hopes? If there have been problems with drugs & alcohol that have affected the child since she was 3 I'm surprised the father hasn't gone for custody himself especially when the girl was younger.

As I said in my last post, mum and dad don't converse. If he were to raise this issue via text, it would only induce a torrent of abuse, so it's really not an option. The custody road is one we have been down, but sadly lost and now there is a sibling (who isn't my husband's child) the chances are still virtually nil. She is the main carer for her little brother, as well as her mother, and the Courts are very unwilling to separate siblings. Plus, at the moment, she wouldn't want to leave her mum and her wishes and feelings, at 12 years old, would carry much weight in Court.

anguk

NikNox wrote: »

As I said in my last post, mum and dad don't converse. If he were to raise this issue via text, it would only induce a torrent of abuse, so it's really not an option. The custody road is one we have been down, but sadly lost and now there is a sibling (who isn't my husband's child) the chances are still virtually nil. She is the main carer for her little brother, as well as her mother, and the Courts are very unwilling to separate siblings. Plus, at the moment, she wouldn't want to leave her mum and her wishes and feelings, at 12 years old, would carry much weight in Court.

The poor girl, I can understand why she's pinning her hopes on a new house. Unfortunately I don't think there's anything you can do other than maybe try to help her understand that the new house may never happen. It must be so frustrating for you and your OH to watch what is happening to her but be unable to actually do anything other than be there when it all goes wrong.

aliballi

Have just read through & I am the step mother of a 28yr old who had similar problems although we did get custody, but too late & step son took to drinking with his mother at 18, while she died at 50 some years ago he now has even worse alcohol & drug problems. One thing I find to be a common factor with alcoholics & drug abusers is fantasies, which are not always lies as such, but are seen as by those looking in.

I believe having a twelve yr old girl & 7 yr old boy sharing a two bedroomed house with one lounge & a kitchen diner would be seen as overcrowding by council, if their was a separate parlour room or diner, then that could be classed as a separate room that could be used as a bedroom. BUT as with an exchange, the council will not consider you if you have any rent arrears so unless they are paid in full the council will not consider a transfer.

NikNox

It's certainly a fantasy world!! Things that have happened over the years beggar belief to be honest, but you're clearly no stranger to all of that.

In the grand scheme of things, then 3 people sharing a 2 bedroomed house (1 adult and 2 kids) is seen as overcrowding, but there are families who are far more overcrowded (such as my neighbours, and they face a 5 year wait to be rehoused), and who also have much more severe medical problems who are further up the list, but still don't have much chance of being rehoused. The problem is a severe shortage of social housing, and so therefore they are a very low priority because mum could get a sofa bed in the living room and sleep comfortably in there. It's not ideal, of course, but that's how it is, and filling the kids heads with the promise of a bigger, better house in the private market isn't healthy, for any of them. They are getting older now, and although they are more than used to being let down by mum, it won't be too long before the penny drops, even without us telling my poor stepdaughter their move is unlikely. In that circumstance, I feel for mum, because children being disappointed in you cannot be very nice. But, life is what you make it isn't it, and you get out what you put in.

Out of interest, I have been looking online at private rentals in their area, and looked at several letting agencies. There was only a handful of 3 bedroomed properties, and they were all above £780 pcm (but to be honest looked very grotty). There was a nice detached house with 3 bedrooms, but that was £1365.

I honestly think that mum could just try to make the best of a bad situation and keep her family where they are. The thought of them moving into private accommodation, messing up on the rent and then being evicted fills us with absolute dread!

lilykim

Benefit issues aside, it is possible to "exchange" your social housing property with someone else in social housing who is looking to move into your area. It is one option. Her local council will have details of where she can look and what criteria she needs to meet. She can also apply to be moved at some point. I am a local council tenant and needed to move nearer the local town and after some searching found someone willing to do a swap. Obviously she will need to be up to date with her rent, have the property in good order and a good record as a tenant before moving. She would also have to pay her own moving expenses I think, as I did.

aliballi

NikNox, Absolutely, if theirs few houses available, those with a higher priority will be housed first, really she should have put her name down when her son was born. I can't see how she possibly can afford to move & as so my guess is it is an alcoholic fantasy. But if she did do so it really is outside of your control & one can only hope it would be for the best for the children.

I have to say though sleeping on a sofabed in the sitting room, is not a great option either. I do know how easy it is to get angry with alcoholics, especially when children are involved, while remembering they are ill although still not blameless, I found to be helpful with that.

Being a step mother can be difficult enough with ex partners let alone when they are addicts when much of what they do & say makes no sense & having to watch the children being emotionally abused.

As the stepmother I think the only thing you can do is step back & be their for her when her dreams are shattered.

On the other hand your husband as her father, I think should step in & make it clear that he is not happy about sleeping arrangements & would like to either divide one of the rooms up for his daughter, or help with a loan if she got an exchange to a larger property.

Have you & your husband thought of going to Al-anon & perhaps taking your daughter along at a later date? We should have done so years ago & are going to take the plunge very soon, first by ourselves & later with our son's.

NikNox

Hi all,

Update ... we have my stepdaughter this weekend, and she told us that her mum is furious because the Council/Housing Benefit won't pay a deposit for private rental. Apparently mum phoned them and had a go when they said she would need to find the deposit herself. According to my stepdaughter it's very unfair on her mum that she should have to find £700 for a deposit when she isn't working, and even more unfair that because she cannot save £700 then there's no way they can move into private rental accommodation. So, the upshot is they're not moving. All of this came out whilst we were watching Comic Relief on Friday, so we were able to point out (very gently of course) that really they haven't got anything to complain about in comparison to people living in Third World countries, or indeed Japan. That seemed to calm her down and get her down from the 'woe is us' high horse she sometimes gets on (undoubtedly she's put there by her mother!). My husband told her that they will just have to make the best of what they've got, and if that means mummy sleeping downstairs then that's not really much of a hardship. He also said that if mummy got a job, then it would be much easier for them to move. That statement was met with silence!

NikNox

aliballi wrote: »

NikNox, Absolutely, if theirs few houses available, those with a higher priority will be housed first, really she should have put her name down when her son was born. I can't see how she possibly can afford to move & as so my guess is it is an alcoholic fantasy. But if she did do so it really is outside of your control & one can only hope it would be for the best for the children.

I have to say though sleeping on a sofabed in the sitting room, is not a great option either. I do know how easy it is to get angry with alcoholics, especially when children are involved, while remembering they are ill although still not blameless, I found to be helpful with that.

Being a step mother can be difficult enough with ex partners let alone when they are addicts when much of what they do & say makes no sense & having to watch the children being emotionally abused.

As the stepmother I think the only thing you can do is step back & be their for her when her dreams are shattered.

On the other hand your husband as her father, I think should step in & make it clear that he is not happy about sleeping arrangements & would like to either divide one of the rooms up for his daughter, or help with a loan if she got an exchange to a larger property.

Have you & your husband thought of going to Al-anon & perhaps taking your daughter along at a later date? We should have done so years ago & are going to take the plunge very soon, first by ourselves & later with our son's.

Hi, only just read this post, sorry. If you read my post just posted, they're not moving because the council won't pay a deposit, and mum is angry about that. But, that's how it is and they'll just have to deal with it won't they. Sorry, but life can be like that sometimes, and you're right, if she'd put their names down when the boy was born they'd probably have moved by now. Sadly, she won't take advice (never has) but when everything goes t1ts up, it's everyone elses fault, and never hers. She has a huge chip on her shoulder, probably borne from the alcoholism and also from being on benefits for so many years. We do understand it's an illness (I worked in a rehab centre a few years back, administratively), and accept that, but her ways are not easy to fathom.

As regards Al-Anon, and more specifically Al-Ateen, we asked Social Services to intervene in trying to get mum to allow us to take my stepdaughter, but she won't agree, and as we would have to take her outside of contact time (thus request permission from mum), it's almost an impossibility. We have sought advice and are very supported by our GP, who is fully aware of our situation, and have also contacted the National Association for Children of Alcoholics, who have also been very very supportive.

We are trying our best, truly.

Jowo_2

NikNox wrote: »

... she told us that her mum is furious because the Council/Housing Benefit won't pay a deposit for private rental. Apparently mum phoned them and had a go when they said she would need to find the deposit herself. According to my stepdaughter it's very unfair on her mum that she should have to find £700 for a deposit when she isn't working, and even more unfair that because she cannot save £700 then there's no way they can move into private rental accommodation. So, the upshot is they're not moving. ..

Most councils do actually operate rent deposit guarantee schemes for those on low incomes/benefits but perhaps their local authority have additional criteria, such as it only applying to those in housing need/facing homelessness, which isn't the case for your ex's household. A quick check of the council website should verify this.

She would also have to find the 1st month's rent upfront, too, though perhaps there are DWP loans for this (not sure).