From Council to private renting ....

Oldernotwiser

It's only been mentioned in passing but the insecurity angle could be very important.

Apart from the fact that many private LLs won't let you redecorate anyway, you could point out to your stepdaughter,(and hope she passes it on to her mum) that they could end up moving every 6 months when a tenancy ends , which would be quite likely as she sounds a less than ideal tenant.

Kids usually hate moving so this could do the trick.

bitsandpieces

Jowo wrote: »

In future, it will be even harder and claimants will be under pressure to select the bottom third cheapest properties, which invariably means less quality.

Landlords will also often be reluctant to let to claimants in the first place. Even if a house can be found, it will generally be very difficult - even for someone who puts a fair bit of work in and is good at searching - to find what I would view as a nice house in a nice area. Sadly, it does look like even 'decent' may be getting harder to find.

In the circumstances you describe, giving up council housing looks like a major risk.

bitsandpieces

NikNox wrote: »

They don't have internet, and she really struggles with homework because a lot of it is online, and mum has been promising internet for 3 years now.

Has it been possible to address this with the school? They should be making homework accessible for kids without web access (and if a pupil is *wanting* to do homework, they should be keen to encourage this!)

This doesn't address issues with promises and relationship, of course. Could be a fix for the homework thing, though.

NikNox

allen35 wrote: »

They don't have internet, and she really struggles with homework because a lot of it is online, and mum has been promising internet for 3 years now. Now that's changed to 'once we've moved, we'll get internet as there's no point having it put in here'.

Can Dad not look at buying his daughter a payg dongle which would encourage the mother to top up without excuses.

We have looked into that, and bought her a laptop for her birthday, but because of the precarious nature of her homelife it can't go home with her because it will get broken (as did her DS and numerous mobile phones we bought). Mum won't top up a dongle anyway, honestly. She's seen her daughter cope for the past 3 years without internet, so will assume she can still do so. Last year when the government scheme was going for low income families to have laptops and internet for a year my husband told her about it and texted her the phone number to contact but she didn't do it. She's not very good at organising anything, and could have had all that for her kids, for free!

NikNox

bitsandpieces wrote: »

Has it been possible to address this with the school? They should be making homework accessible for kids without web access (and if a pupil is *wanting* to do homework, they should be keen to encourage this!)

This doesn't address issues with promises and relationship, of course. Could be a fix for the homework thing, though.

Yes it has, and she is expected to use the computers in the school library, which often means missing break times and much shortened lunch breaks, plus staying on after school. She also catches up when she comes to us every other weekend. She manages it, but only just and having internet at home would make her life much easier.

NikNox

Jowo wrote: »

This strategy is risky and could backfire when she chooses to shoot the messenger rather than accept the message.

Step back and just support her disappointments if, as and when they happen.

I'm sure deep down she knows it's a fantasy but can't help but get excited at the prospect. If your ex is anything like the addicts in my wider family, she'll be really convincing in her promises and in contrast, you will just seem like a party pooper who is willing the whole project to fail to say 'I told you so'.

Your ex will come up with a convincing excuse to explain either her lack of progress in the move or why it won't happen but chances are she won't have to exaggerate - she can probably just truthfully admit that she can't find a landlord to accept her because she's on benefits. Let your ex be the bearer of bad news rather than you.

It's a good point, and in some ways I agree that we should just sit back and let mum dig her own grave so to speak. But, this kid is pretty savvy, and if she at least knows that moving is highly unlikely, she can just get on with her life knowing that it's not going to happen. Constantly being let down isn't good for anyone, let alone a pre-teen, and if she knows the truth then she can deal with it and just ignore mum when she tells them they're moving.

Errata

How about asking her which area her mum is thinking about, then together with her check out on your computer the LHA for that area for a 3 bed house and the price of rentals. She'll see for herself it's never going to work.

NikNox

Errata wrote: »

How about asking her which area her mum is thinking about, then together with her check out on your computer the LHA for that area for a 3 bed house and the price of rentals. She'll see for herself it's never going to work.

That's a really good idea!! Thanks

bestpud

I'm really not sure you should interfere tbh.

Sounds to me like she needs to work out her mother for herself and you could easily become the wicked stepmother who is wishing ill on her mum!

Also, depending on the mothers state of mind, you sending her daughter home to dispute what she says could actually make her want to prove you wrong.

She will work it out slowly for herself - it is not your job to shatter her dreams in one go.

I know it's difficult and the mother sounds a right one but she obviously wants better, but just doesn't know where to start after years of alcohol and drugs.

At the moment you seem to be wishing bad luck on her rather than just looking out for the children. Bitterness is not a good trait. Be thankful you were lucky enough to benefit from a subsidised house in a good area and then buy it at a reduced rate - don't be jealous of someone else's pipe dreams.

I realise I will be shot down in flames for this but I think your attitude is all wrong - to the girl, you are not better than her mum so stop trying to put her mum down. Sadly she will work it out for herself soon enough but you should never 'help' by rubbishing everything her mum says!

Errata

I don't think there's anything wrong in helping the poor girl to see that the 'pipe dreams' are nothing more than the fantasies of a mind that isn't working well.
If it's done in the right way with the right intentions, the harm will be far less for the girl than the unrealistic rubbish her mother is cramming into her head.