Really need opinions on this

In_need_of_advice_2011

euronorris wrote: »

Whilst he wouldn't know about the letter in advance, he would know that there was a chance they could write to him about it at anytime. So, if he didn't want you to find out, he most likely would've asked them to write to him at his work address, or to call him instead.

The empty packet being left in the drawer like that, definitely suggests to me that he wanted you to know but just didn't know how to bring it up.

I know you usually talk about everything, but you have to understand that he may be feeling like a complete failure right now. He isn't, and I'm sure you don't think that either, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't feel like that. He may even be worried sick that he's 'letting you down' somehow, and so he was too afraid to bring it up.

I would just leave the letter open on the side, as you would with any other peice of mail and see if he brings the subject up.

Thanks Norris,

i think that i will re open the letter and leave it with the other mail at the bottom of the stairs, i usually have a pile for recycling and a pile to be shredded, the recycling pile goes out each night,i will leave it at the top of the pile but i doubt that it will even get a glance tbh.

I may test the water a bit and show it to him and ask if it was meant for him or have the surgery made a mistake. Hopefully this will let him open up and tell me all about it. I don`t want to force him to tell me as he obviously feels that he can`t just come right out and say it but i want to give him the opportunity IYKWIM.

Hopefully he will take the opportunity and then everything will be out in the open. I feel awful now as i feel that i am the one with a secret, i know and he does not know that i know type of thing and i dont like it.

It must be awful for him keeping it all bottled up inside

euronorris

In_need_of_advice_2011 wrote: »

Thanks Norris,

i think that i will re open the letter and leave it with the other mail at the bottom of the stairs, i usually have a pile for recycling and a pile to be shredded, the recycling pile goes out each night,i will leave it at the top of the pile but i doubt that it will even get a glance tbh.

I may test the water a bit and show it to him and ask if it was meant for him or have the surgery made a mistake. Hopefully this will let him open up and tell me all about it. I don`t want to force him to tell me as he obviously feels that he can`t just come right out and say it but i want to give him the opportunity IYKWIM.

I wouldn't say that as it may feel that you then think he shouldn't need it/shouldn't be asking for it. If anything, just say 'Hey, this was in the post today. I wasn't trying to be nosy, I just opened the post as usual, but I want you to know you can talk to me about this stuff if you want to.' and see how he responds.

Hopefully he will take the opportunity and then everything will be out in the open. I feel awful now as i feel that i am the one with a secret, i know and he does not know that i know type of thing and i dont like it.

It must be awful for him keeping it all bottled up inside

Try not to worry. You haven't done anything wrong, and if you didn't care, you wouldn't have been upset in the first place.

For now, I would recommend concentrating on something else until he comes home and you can talk about it. Otherwise, if you're anything like me, you'll get yourself all worked up all day. x

FakeIrish

In_need_of_advice_2011 wrote: »

God only knows how DH is feeling.

In_need_of_advice_2011 wrote: »

It must be awful for him keeping it all bottled up inside

Yes, your DH must be having a rough time of it. So just tell him you mistakenly opened the letter and query him on this.

Probably wise not to mention you have been rummagging through his personal effects though.

In_need_of_advice_2011

FakeIrish wrote: »

Yes, your DH must be having a rough time of it. So just tell him you mistakenly opened the letter and query him on this.

Probably wise not to mention you have been rummagging through his personal effects though.

Thanks, i will not mention that i have seen the empty packet, if it is still there when i come around to deal with the insurance then fine, hopefully we will have discussed everything by then. We are in and out of each others stuff every now and again and it really is not an issue - it is how we have always been. Again not a case of mistakenly opening the letter, its normal routine, just very unexpected to find .

Norris - Yes you are right, i shall leave that part out. I am very lost at how to word what i want to say. I need him to tell me without him feeling that i have forced him to. By showing him the letter i feel as if i am making him tell me.

I hope that it will be a big weight off his shoulders to discuss it but again i really do not want to make him feel any worse than he must be feeling already. If he has had a rubbish day at work then he may not feel like talking about it.

I am getting my head around it a lot more now, thanks.

euronorris

You're not 'making' him tell you anything. You've already, accidentally, found out. All you will be doing is letting him know this and offering your support.

And remember, whilst you can be sensitive to his feelings, you don't control them, and you certainly can't control how he will react to stuff. You can only do your best to be sensitive.

In_need_of_advice_2011

Thanks,

i`ve just been looking around and i`ve found an article online that has a great deal of information in and should help.

I think that i will print a copy and find a way to introduce it into the conversation. I hope that in him seeing that i am trying to understand things and want to help he will open up to me and realise that it is not his problem but ours.

Wish me luck, i am feeling very nervous but i am also very hopeful that we can sort this out and do it in a way that is sensitive to DH`s feelings.

A lot of what i have been reading is common sense but needs to be seen in black and white to help it sink in

FakeIrish

You might want to suggest that next time you take a pill too:beer:

Plans_all_plans

I can see why you are upset: it is difficult to think that someone you have been with for 20 years is uncomfortable discussing something personal with you. HOWEVER, I empathise more with your husband in this situation, rather than with you.

I think that people put a great deal of importance on their sexual performance and thinking that there is a problem in that area must be devastating for anyone, male or female.

In your situation I'd sit your husband down this evening once you've eaten and say that you opened his letter and found out that he'd been prescribed viagra. Don't say anything about being hurt he didn't speak to you about it initially, just say that you are there to help and support him through these issues and that he doesn't need to hide anything from you and that you love him no matter what. I'd then take the lead from what he says to you.

Don't let it escalate into a massive big deal as this will only put more pressure on him and won't help. Tackle the issue together and research the issue as a team, rather than him feeling out on a limb. Best wishes.

onlyroz

Come on, the poor guy's probably mortified and embarrassed. I think you should just forget about it, and just make sure that you're patient with him.

animum

I think he has done well to seek help in the first place....whilst iIunderstand you are upset about him not discussing it with you, I think if you make a big deal about it...its just going to make him even more embarrassed , and so less inclined to discuss it in the future. I think you are more bothered that he didnt tell you, than the fact he is actually using it, but at the end of the day...its not a major thing. not everyone tells there husband/wife absolutely everything. he may see it as a "need to know basis" particularly being in a sensitive area so to speak. if it had been a serious illness or something "nasty" then thats prob a different situation.