Really need opinions on this

In_need_of_advice_2011

I apologise for the alter ego but am a regular poster on here and do not want this to be asscociated with my normal username or DH may find it 2nd apology for the length of this post.

Bit of background, DH & i have been together well over 20 years so are well used to discussing anything that is a problem, not always straight away but before anything needs a decision making or acting upon.

DH is away some of the time and we don`t see as much of each other as we would like but thats life and this is not a new thing it has always been like this.

I take care of all the bills and mail so it is not unusual for me to open all the mail and deal with it, in fact it would be unusual for me not to do this and that is a small part of the problem.

This morning i started to open the mail, some was mine and some was not, the first letter that i opened was one for DH, at first i thought that it was for me and was a mistake, in fact it made me smile. Upon re-reading it i realised that it was for DH and i am absolutely gutted.

All day i have been swinging towards tears and a horrible empty feeling and an absolute raging anger. This is not like me at all.

The letter was from the doctor and stated that a mistake had been made at the surgery and he has been prescribed an item on the nhs that was free and the mistake is that he should have been charged for it and will be in future.

That item is listed in the letter as viagra.:eek:

I feel gutted Not only because he has gone ahead and done this without discussing it but because he must have felt that he could not speak to me about it.

He has had a couple of problems in the bedroom department and i put it down to tiredness and another health problem that he has had with has now cleared up. He has had terrible acid reflux which meant that he was not sleeping and in quite a lot of discomfort. It wasn`t a problem although for me the first couple of times but after that i must admit to a fleeting idea that maybe he did not find me attractive at times but as he did have the other problem it was all put down to side effects of other drugs for the reflux etc.

I feel absolutely devastated that he has not been able to talk about this with me.

I have ironed the rotten envelope shut so that it looks as if it has not been opened and have not opened any of the other letters today, they are all sitting in a pile.

Do i leave all the letters and see if he opens any? He most probably will not but if i leave the letter on top of the pile and ask him to bring me the mail later he may just do this.

Do i open the letter and shove it into his hand later when he comes home from work?

I really do not know how to bring the subject up because now that i feel that he has hidden it from me i feel as if i do not know what to do.
Never in all of our years together have we not shared problems or hidden anything from each other as far as i am aware and now my mind is all over the place because i am wondering has there been anything else that i do not know about.

Am i over reacting?

what should i do?

I am so sorry if this message appears disjointed as it has been edited many times, typing through tears is not something that i do normally.

I`m not even sure if i want to be here when he gets home. I am wondering whether to go out or not but then i don`t know if i will be able to face him when i get back.

Bloomin_Freezing2

I can understand why you are upset that he could not speak to you, but I wonder how hurt and embarrassed he was feeling due to the 'bedroom issue', it may've taken a lot for him to visit his doctor. Give him chance to speak with you about this. Any idea when he got the prescription, have things improved since then? It might not be worth worrying about too much, as I said he must've been pretty embarrassed.

FatVonD

Bless him, no matter how close you are I think a man is always going to feel like less of a man if he can't perform and that's probably why he's not discussed it with you.

Are there 'signs' that he's been taking it? As I read through your post I was expecting to read that he 'd got it as he was servicing someone else :$ If he's got it to keep your marriage alive I'd be touched and forgive him for doing it on the quiet

Bloomin_Freezing2

FatVonD wrote: »

Bless him, no matter how close you are I think a man is always going to feel like less of a man if he can't perform and that's probably why he's not discussed it with you.

Are there 'signs' that he's been taking it? As I read through your post I was expecting to read that he 'd got it as he was servicing someone else :$ If he's got it to keep your marriage alive I'd be touched and forgive him for doing it on the quiet

Me too! I didn't dare ask though.

In_need_of_advice_2011

Thanks for your replies.

There was no date information on the letter that i can recall, when i re read it i just stuffed it back in the envelope and got the iron out

I do realise that it must be really embarrasing for him and i do not believe that he would ever cheat on me. He is a lovely person and i love him to bits even after all these years.

It is good to think that he would have been thinking of our relationship in doing what he has done but i feel devastated that he felt he could not talk to me about it and this is part of the problem

No there is no evidence of him taking it sadly and things have stayed the same, i just thought that it was a temporary thing due to other meds.

The thing is that i now have been made to feel that this is a huge secret and that i obviously should not know.

I feel as if i am not trusted and i have no idea how to broach the subject, i have gone through lots of scenarios in my head and i just end up feeling angry and in tears again and if i cannot get my head around it then i feel as if i am only going to make matters worse.

Amber07

FatVonD wrote: »

Are there 'signs' that he's been taking it? As I read through your post I was expecting to read that he 'd got it as he was servicing someone else :$ If he's got it to keep your marriage alive I'd be touched and forgive him for doing it on the quiet

That's what I was thinking.

OP - you need to calm down a little and realise that no matter how much you think he can talk to you, when it comes to their bits and pieces not functioning properly some men can be completely embarrassed. I'm amazed he got to the doctors about it tbh.

I think you need to take a few deep breaths, put your own feelings aside for just now and approach him calmly about it. Let him have the chance to speak to you, without any confrontation, then you can tell him you were hurt that he wasn't able to share this with you.

Maybe he thought you would think he wasn't attracted to you and worried that he would hurt your feelings? He could have just been trying to sort this out without upsetting you.

Hope you manage to sit and have a chat, take care

Amber07

In_need_of_advice_2011 wrote: »

I feel as if i am not trusted and i have no idea how to broach the subject, i have gone through lots of scenarios in my head and i just end up feeling angry and in tears again and if i cannot get my head around it then i feel as if i am only going to make matters worse.

Just read your update.

If it were me, I would just make sure I was in the same room when he opened the mail. See how he reacted to the letter then in a nice way just say 'anything interesting in the post honey?'....that would give him the opportunity to start a convo.

Tropez

Sorry, but you have no place in being angry or upset about this.

Issues such as erectile dysfunction can cause enormous problems for men. Feelings of embarrassment are but the tip of the iceberg; others feel humiliated, emasculated and some even feel depressed and suicidal. Too many men suffer through these serious and damaging psychological issues because they are too afraid it makes them "less of a man" to visit a doctor and get help and in doing so exacerbate the problem immensely. Your husband has actually confronted his problem, in his own way, and now you're saying that you're angry and that you don't want to be there when he gets back etc? Honestly, I feel that rather selfish on your part.

I could waffle on endlessly about male stereotypes and the impact of phallic symbolism but the short of it is that you clearly do not understand just how harmful this could have been and perhaps you should think yourself lucky that you have a husband who can at least discuss his problems with a doctor. Discussing them with you wouldn't have "cured" his problem, it would have only made him feel more vulnerable, exposed, small and any other myriad of negative emotions.

red_devil

dont get mad it wont help.

Pixiechic

I can understand how upset you are about this, but I can also understand his secrecy.

My parner has had acid reflux and has a course of four week medication. His moods are up and down and the bedroom department has been affected. All part of the side effects according to instructions!

I think that for a man to admit to himself that he is not the virile, testosterone fueled male that he used to be is hard. Let alone having to admit it to your wife. There is quite a stigma and expectation attached to a male and his ability to perform. I guess that he could be very embarrased about it and is doing what he can to change it. Every time he finds it difficult to 'perform' will knock his confidence too. This is a very sensitive topic for the male and the male ego. I doubt that this has any reflection on his love and attraction to you.

He obviously loves you very dearly and is no doubt concerned about your feelings too. Try not to be angry. Be gentle with him, give him time and he may well come to you. Try not to take this personally.

balletshoes

Maybe the reason he didn't tell you about going to the docs for viagra was because he was waiting to see if it actually made any difference to his erm performance?

Honestly, in your shoes I really wouldn't be angry, and if I normally opened the post for both of you, I'd have opened it, kept it open, and talked to OH about it calmly when he got home. I really wouldn't think of this as a trust or betrayal issue, its neither.