Really need opinions on this

In_need_of_advice_2011

Thanks for your replies,

I do really feel for him and in a way think that if i can sort out my own head then i have a better chance of helping DH too.

I apologise if i seem selfish but i really do have both our interests at heart.

I have re read my posts and can see how this opinion could be formed, my posts have been edited so many times before i hit the button that maybe a lot of the "feelings " have not come across the way that they were intended.

I`ve just been upstairs and done a quick rummage around in DH`s things, again this is not a problem and he goes through all my stuff when he cannot find things so i do not feel as if i have been doing anything that i should not have done.

I have found a prescription tear off for January 2011 and an empty packet of viagra, it looks like there were 4 tablets and all are missing

He must know that i would be rummaging through that drawer for stuff at some point eg when either of our car insurance needs renewing as he keeps everything in there and it has crossed my mind that he may have wanted me to find it at some point.

Another worrying thing is that i have no idea when he has taken the tablets

Amber he would definitely know that something is wrong, i do not think that i can carry off behaving as if there is nothing wrong when my stomach is churning. I know that i am not helping matters but feel totally isolated and out of my depth.

God only knows how DH is feeling.

balletshoes

why do you feel isolated and out of your depth over this?

Pixiechic

As he knows that you open all the mail and he has made no attempt to intercept his correspondance, Balletshoes could be right about leaving the letter open, if that would be usual practise. Maybe it would be easier for him if you find out that way rather than him having to sit down and explain it all to you.

I would be very delicate about it though. As if he has taken them and they have not worked, he could be very upset. It seems that he has tried to 'fix' the situation and his hopes may have been dashed. Another confidence knock.

He needs support and understanding and you can reassure him that you can work through it together. Then big hugs x

fiscalfreckles

I agree that you have no reason to feel upset really. I'm sure your DH is trying to improve things for you both, and he perhaps thought that to discuss it would be a bit of a passion killer? Or he's just embarrassed. Men are generally & it must have been a big thing for him to go to the doctor. If you had any "womens' problems", I bet you wouldn't necessarily discuss them with him, if you thought you could sort it out discreetly?

My only other thought is that Viagra can be used for other medical conditions, so don't jump to conclusions.

You know your DH best and you should decide whether you think its best to admit you opened the letter and ask him all about it, or whether you think he needs to keep this private? Just be sensitive about it, as you say, he might be feeling awful about the whole thing.

euronorris

Have you considered that he wanted you to know, but didn't know how to bring it up? And perhaps, he was hoping that something would be sent in the post to him about it, as he knows you open all the post you'd be bound to find out about it that way?

In_need_of_advice_2011

balletshoes wrote: »

why do you feel isolated and out of your depth over this?

Because of all the secrecy, we do not have secrets from each other (or so i thought) i feel as if i should not know anything about it, in all of our years together i cannot think of a single time when there has been a secret so i am really unsure how to deal with it.

My feelings are all over the place and this is not going to do either of us any good unless i can sort my head out. I do feel as if reading everyones opinions and advice has helped in some small way and i am looking at the problem from both sides properly now rather than just the initial "shock / horror " reaction though.

I have no one else that i can speak to and i feel as if this is a bit of therapy in some silly way. If i can sort everything in my head then i can attempt to help DH

pimento

I can't keep mum so if it were me, I'd have to say that I read the letter when I was opening the mail. What's the big deal really? It wouldn't bother me, I'd just want to tell him that there's no shame in it and he could tell me anything.

In_need_of_advice_2011

euronorris wrote: »

Have you considered that he wanted you to know, but didn't know how to bring it up? And perhaps, he was hoping that something would be sent in the post to him about it, as he knows you open all the post you'd be bound to find out about it that way?

This has crossed my mind but i doubt very much that he would have expected the surgery to write to him, the only letter that we ever get is related to my 5 yearly exam and i think that he would be quite horrified to find that they had written to him about it as he knows that i open the mail.

I`ve been thinking about the empty packet and where it is and why he has not thrown it away, the car insurance is due in a couple of months and he knows that i would be in that drawer for all the paperwork in a few weeks anyway.

Maybe he is hoping that i will find it and will broach the subject.

grey_lady

I think you are over-reacting, what do you mean 'If i can sort everything in my head then i can attempt to help Dh' you are making a huge deal out of something that he'd probably rather not be a big deal, he's already got the appropriate help from the docs, lots of men take it.

euronorris

In_need_of_advice_2011 wrote: »

This has crossed my mind but i doubt very much that he would have expected the surgery to write to him, the only letter that we ever get is related to my 5 yearly exam and i think that he would be quite horrified to find that they had written to him about it as he knows that i open the mail.

I`ve been thinking about the empty packet and where it is and why he has not thrown it away, the car insurance is due in a couple of months and he knows that i would be in that drawer for all the paperwork in a few weeks anyway.

Maybe he is hoping that i will find it and will broach the subject.

Whilst he wouldn't know about the letter in advance, he would know that there was a chance they could write to him about it at anytime. So, if he didn't want you to find out, he most likely would've asked them to write to him at his work address, or to call him instead.

The empty packet being left in the drawer like that, definitely suggests to me that he wanted you to know but just didn't know how to bring it up.

I know you usually talk about everything, but you have to understand that he may be feeling like a complete failure right now. He isn't, and I'm sure you don't think that either, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't feel like that. He may even be worried sick that he's 'letting you down' somehow, and so he was too afraid to bring it up.

I would just leave the letter open on the side, as you would with any other peice of mail and see if he brings the subject up.