Would this upset you?

melancholly

what a spiteful manipulative woman! how petty and nasty to try and use a family party to make a pointed attack. and if the MIL condones this behaviour, this is a not an influence you want near your children. them ignoring you may well be a blessing!

families are always difficult, but most adults who don't get along can at least smile and ignore things when there is a family event - because you know what, not everything should be about the petty opinions of one person; there is a bigger picture. i'd have loved to have ignored/not invited family to things but i know that i'm an adult and that there is nothing to be gained from putting people in the middle of a huge obvious row.

(this story really got my hackles raised on your behalf!)

ailuro2

If anything I'd think you had under-reacted...

putting up with someone like this for 10 years.... I'd have had it out or decided to stop all contact a LONG time ago...

write everyone the same letter, letting them know she has always been mean to you without telling you why, give them some examples, let them know your door will always be open but tell them it's up to them to make the first move as you've had enough of being treated like a second class citizen within the family.

vegasvisitor

flippin36 wrote: »

Yes, I have already apologised to both SIL and MIL who have accepted it (I haven't received an apology), but it hasn't made any difference to our relationship. I even offered an olive branch (won't go into details for obvious reasons) but it was rudely refused.

nervousftb Shedid say that my OH had said something (to someone else) about her which upset her and she seems to think I am a bad influence on him (my OH has absolutely no recollection of saying anything but it was apparently said 5 years ago! He's a bit baffled by it all tbh) Also religious differences came up, which makes a lot of sense now. Its all petty tittle tattle stuff.

When you say there's religious differences that does make it fall into place a bit I'm afraid. Some people are very narrow minded when it comes to things like that.

Your religion has nothing to do with her, and vice versa. Maybe she needs to be told that! I know that won't help things, but it does sound like she's a bigot, and you can't really change that.

gratefulforhelp_2

Any wrote: »

And now suddenly she has turned around and is MIL's best mate and my MIL tells my friends (mu MIL and I are quite close) things like "oh Any should take SIL out", "She should give her second chance" and all sorts... I have never ever done anything wrong, or refused to speak to her or anything - ever!! Unlike her reactions to me.. No idea where that is coming from? Really annoying..

My MIL has recently died, and truthfully it is only now that I feel I can put my foot down where SIL is concerned.

Until now, it has been a bit hazy who has been to blame, MIL or SIL. Now SIL no longer has her to hide behind it will be interesting to find out the answer.

sixlittleimps

Coming from a family with one very overbearing aunt I think it's best to keep the kids away from the SIL and probably the MIL if there's the risk they will hear bad mouthing of you from these women. I say this because when I was in my early teens and went over to visit family and came into contact with my aunt it made me very confrontational. I wanted to pick fights on behalf of my mother (who she didn't like) and my childish bluntness and impulsiveness made the situation much worse between my aunt and my mom... it also caused arguments between me and my parents because it wasn't my fight to pick! Your children could get caught in the crossfire in this way and it makes life very difficult for both parents and children.

Just my two penn'orth.

Amanda65

flippin36 wrote: »

To be fair I don't think she did it deliberately, thoughtlessness mixed with being angry - a mistake. She was bad mouthing me to my OH and kids happened to be in earshot. It did make me anxious though - my DD is a teenager and is going through the "life's sooo unfair" stage, which could easily be manipulated, but I don't think MIL is like that to be honest. Under normal circumstances she's ok. She was just angry that her daughter was upset which I can understand.

flippin36 I think you should be awarded a sainthood :A.

How you have managed to keep the peace for so long with this spiteful, spoilt, childish woman for so long is beyond me (Violet Elizabeth Bott springs to mind :rotfl::rotfl:).

I would however take great exception at your MIL badmouthing you when your children are around, even if it wasn't directly to them, and I think OH should tell her that if she ever mentions you in a bad light when the children are in the house again he will stop taking them round.

As your daughter is a teenager I would also have a conversation with her (you said in an earlier post that the children were asking why you weren't going round) and explain that you had fallen out with SIL, which in turn had made MIL very cross and that although you had apologised they had sadly not accepted this and it made it difficult for you to be around each other at the moment. She can then at least know that you're not the bad one in all of this, despite what she may hear elsewhere.

And as for the ignoring in the supermarket, just do it back - I bet it will annoy SIL more :D

paddy's_mum

flippin36 wrote: »

She was just angry that her daughter was upset which I can understand.

Another vote here for Saint Flippin! :A

I'm afraid that I don't understand your MiL's thinking. To my mind, she is AT LEAST as much to blame for this situation as your SiL. What sort of mother cannot see more clearly than anyone else alive the faults and failings of her own children? Perhaps one who likes to play favourites and has blinded herself to the nastinesses which have taken place over so many years? A good mother would have dealt with this kind of tantrum when the SiL was a small child, not enabled it on into middle age! My mother would have knocked our blocks off if her children had behaved this maliciously, not supported our wrongdoing.

Where is her love for her son? Not only has she taken sides (a very spiteful trait in any case) but she has apparently forgotten to look and see whether her son's choice of wife has brought him happiness. Nothing else should be her concern. Perhaps it is time she was read the Riot Act and told to mind her own business!

I'm afraid that I too would be banning any visiting by the children until you have MiL's absolute promise that no more behind-your-back criticisms will take place. It may be that unless she is put in the position of potentially losing both her son and her grandchildren, she won't wise up and shut up. I think it a pity that your husband has tolerated so much so willingly for so long - his desire to keep the peace has fostered your in-laws belief that they can say and do as they like when fairness ought to have dictated that he protected you from hurt at their hands. I go along with an earlier suggestion that he now make it quite clear to the members of his family that the end of the road has been reached and that he will no longer tolerate any criticism whatever of you. His loyalty should lie with you, and not with his jealous, insecure, unbalanced and full-of-hatred sister.

Keep your head high, hold on to your dignity and whenever any of these idiots slight you, just recognise that they are sheep following the leader, incapable of seeking out the facts/truth and reaching their own independent opinions and judgements. Quietly saying baaa to yourself whenever they do it helps, I promise you. Good luck.

katsu

flippin,

Don't lose your relationship with the MIL over the SIL. You are still the mum of the children of her son, so try and keep a relationship with MIL - it then leaves the SIL problem as more isolated and if MIL sees you she cannot "demonise" you so easily in her mind IYSWIM?

cavework

Looks like SIL got exactly the outcome she planned.
Don't play into her hands anymore by discussing it with her or the rest of the family.
Leave her to fester, if she isn't getting attention it won't be long until she will try to push it even further and other people in the family will see what she is really like.
You won't change her and TBH why should you even try?
She is the one with the problem not you.
As for your teenage daughter .. trust me, kids of that age DO NOT like hearing their Mum bad mouthed and she will probably give your MIL a piece of her mind if she continues.
xx

melly_g

Hi, I really feel for you and feel sorry that yo're having to go through this and have had to for so long.
I know what you are going through as i have "fallen" out with my husbands parents, his brother and brothers gf. I have spent years being polite to them and when i was finally honest with them they didn't like it and it all kicked off. I always thought i had a good relationship with my MIL but she started bringing up petty things which i was supposed to have done or said so made me wonder if she has ever liked me. They all live miles away so i'm lucky i don't have to have anything to do with them.
My husband is in full support of me and has never had a close relationship with them but it has all really upset me and i like you have lost sleep over it all. We're at stalemate now because we have said we are never going to where they live anymore because of things oh dad has done. I would like to make things up with his mum but she is refusing to come to see us without her husband who we both hate.
I also think when things have been said by both parties things can never be the same again between you.
Someone said to me just think about your husband and kids and not anyone else. They should be most important. I hope that you can try and just concentrate on just them and exclude those who keep upsetting you. If you need anyone to talk to about it Pm me.