Would this upset you?

flippin36

Hello, can someone tell me whether I am over reacting!

Basically my SIL has never liked me and never accepted me into her family (we have been married 10years). Family gatherings are always a bit awkward as she won't sit in the same room as me or give me the time of day. She pretends she hasn't seen me in the supermarket, ignores me in the street . I make the effort to try and talk but I usually get the cold shoulder. I have always invited her to family parties and she sometimes comes, somtimes not, but when she does turn up she usually sulks in a corner. I have no idea what I have done, there has never been any row or previous disagreement that I am aware of. She once said that I wasn't good enough for her brother, another family member said she was anxious that I would break up the family . Thankfully all other family members are lovely to me which has made being part of OH family pretty OK (up until now) regardless of SIL hostility to me. For 10 years I have kept quiet, bitten my tongue and just ignored her for the sake of peace.....

Until now...SIL had a big family gathering where she invited all the family (some came from the other side of the country). Weirdly she invited my kids but not me nor my OH. At first OH thought it was just a mistake on the invitation, but when he questioned her she said she couldn't think of a reason to invite me, she can invite who she wants and if I had wanted to come to the party so badly I should have just turned up,.....cue 10 years of upset coming to the surface and a BIG row between me and her. Although we both said things we shouldn't she was the one in who ended up in tears and I'm now the evil SIL, breaking up the family as predicted. MIL now hates me because I have upset her daughter (other siblings thankfully still friendly when I see them though). I've basically been told to stay away, which is fine but it makes me feel .

Now I normally bounce back from these things, but for some reason this is really eating away at me! I can't sleep thinking about it, partly because I feel really angry at how she has treated me, but also angry at myself for reacting..why couldn't I just ignore the whole thing? OH now has a strained relationship with his mother and barely speaks to sister, SIL's friends who I see on the school run won't speak to me, my kids are asking why I don't go to MIL anymore and I don't know what to say, a family member that fought my corner has also been given a hard time by them. Now I feel terrible - all this because I made such a fuss over a stupid party....and don't think its going to blow over soon, if at all. We also live very close to each other which doesn't help matters.

Have I over reacted?
TIA

gratefulforhelp_2

I have a SIL like this, it is very very wearing, so no, you are not overreacting.

That said, I don't have a solution, if I did I would have used it for myself!!

nervousftb_3

No, I don't think you're overreacting! You've put up with her behaviour for 10 years without ever knowing why she treats you the way she does, no wonder you exploded! During the argument, did you ever really get to the bottom of why your relationship is so poor? Maybe this is the catalyst you need to get everything sorted out once and for all. Could you talk the SIL at all and try and come to an arrangement where you can at least be in the same room and be civil? And perhaps do the same with MIL? She will of course always side with her daughter but it is sad that the situation is now affecting your kids.

tattyuk75

I don't think you've overreacted at all. She sounds perfectly horrible and has ostracised you for years!!

If I were you, I think I would write her a letter, asking her exactly what her problem has been with you for all these years, tell her how upset you are over how things have turned out and apologise for any nasty things you may have said in temper in the big row. It may help to get things off your chest if nothing else, and also make sure you are the reasonable one in this. It sounds like a horrible mess, dragging everyone into her issues and it must be awful for your OH too, as well as your children together.

It sounds like she must be saying some pretty horrid things to turn people against you like this, which is unacceptable. If she has a problem with you, then she should have the balls to come to you direct and sort these issues out, but it seems she doesn't, so you'll have to do it to try and restore some sort of good family life for yourself, your OH and your children.

I don't envy you and I hope this can get sorted sooner rather than later.

Imelda

Family situations are soooo tough as it's not just you and your SIL involved.

I fell out with my sister a few years ago, we didn't talk for almost 2yrs. It was such a sad time for me as we had previously got on well (on the surface, there was a lot of hidden resentment). It was also tough as we shared a lot of friends and of course our whole family.

Anyway, one January I made a resolution to sort things out for once and for all. So I asked her to meet up with me for a coffee. To my surprise she agreed. We talked and I apologised.

This was the important bit, I had to forget who was wrong and who was right- I wanted a relationship with her and so I swallowed my pride and apologised. We talked and I found out I had hurt her in ways I hadn't even imagined which sounded really small but were obviously very important to her. I was determined it wasn't going to be a point scoring exercise. I had to sit and listen to a lot of home truths and bite my tongue not to respond.

Of course I was also prepared for her to either refuse to see me or not want to have anything to do with me- at this point I just wanted some "closure". Either we were going to talk or not, I hated the not knowing.

Anyway, the outcome was that we started talking. Not much at first, just arranging to go out with our mum, buying family presents together etc but, over time we have built a much better friendship than we ever had. She was even my bridesmaid.

So my advice: make the first move and talk to this woman, on neutral ground. Apologise if you have to, take the higher ground, but just try. At least you'll know one way or the other if you can ever have a relationship.

flippin36

Yes, I have already apologised to both SIL and MIL who have accepted it (I haven't received an apology), but it hasn't made any difference to our relationship. I even offered an olive branch (won't go into details for obvious reasons) but it was rudely refused.

nervousftb Shedid say that my OH had said something (to someone else) about her which upset her and she seems to think I am a bad influence on him (my OH has absolutely no recollection of saying anything but it was apparently said 5 years ago! He's a bit baffled by it all tbh) Also religious differences came up, which makes a lot of sense now. Its all petty tittle tattle stuff.

tattyuk75

flippin36 wrote: »

Yes, I have already apologised to both SIL and MIL who have accepted it (I haven't received an apology), but it hasn't made any difference to our relationship. I even offered an olive branch (won't go into details for obvious reasons) but it was rudely refused.

This makes it really difficult. You also mentioned that other family members have tried to stand in your corner to no avail...

In that case, I would concentrate your efforts with MIL, purely in order to maintain a grandparent/grandchild relationship. It's a far from ideal situation, but I think if you have really tried to get over whatever on earth it is that is the crux of this, then you may have to just accept that family life is not going to be the same again for a while.

What worries me, is that sometimes it takes some sort of family disaster for a family in this much turmoil to be reunited, and it would be a horrible shame if it should come to that to make people (ie them...) realise that life is far too short for huge rifts of this magnitutude, caused by minor niggles and throwaway comments of years ago, to rip a family apart.

Try again with the MIL, leave the SIL to stew and get on with your life in the most fulfilling way you can.

balletshoes

Sounds to me like your SIL, for whatever reason in her own head, will never accept you, whatever you do or whatever you try. I agree with tatty, stop trying with her, concentrate on trying to get back on track with your MIL.

red_devil

where is your oh in all this. He should be telling her unless she is nice to you he dosent want to know her. His loyalty is to you not her and he should be heard.

If she was at all concerned about her brothers happiness she wouldnt do this. If you dont see her it dosent sound much loss to me.

We dont see my oh's sister. We cut her off after years of trying to get on. She has been the loser.

shellsuit

No, you haven't overacted at all!

She sounds a right jealous manipulative b!tch.

You and your OH need to make a stand and tell each important family member just what you have had to put up with.

If they choose not to listen, it's their loss, not yours.

Percy1983

It does sound like an awful situation to which I can't see any single answer.

The best way to deal with this is just focus on your family, you, OH and children.

With that what does you OH think about all this, has he tried to sort it or just sat back and watched?