Would this upset you?

red_devil

flippin36 wrote: »

Hello, can someone tell me whether I am over reacting!

Basically my SIL has never liked me and never accepted me into her family (we have been married 10years). Family gatherings are always a bit awkward as she won't sit in the same room as me or give me the time of day. She pretends she hasn't seen me in the supermarket, ignores me in the street . I make the effort to try and talk but I usually get the cold shoulder. I have always invited her to family parties and she sometimes comes, somtimes not, but when she does turn up she usually sulks in a corner. I have no idea what I have done, there has never been any row or previous disagreement that I am aware of. She once said that I wasn't good enough for her brother, another family member said she was anxious that I would break up the family . Thankfully all other family members are lovely to me which has made being part of OH family pretty OK (up until now) regardless of SIL hostility to me. For 10 years I have kept quiet, bitten my tongue and just ignored her for the sake of peace.....

Until now...SIL had a big family gathering where she invited all the family (some came from the other side of the country). Weirdly she invited my kids but not me nor my OH. At first OH thought it was just a mistake on the invitation, but when he questioned her she said she couldn't think of a reason to invite me, she can invite who she wants and if I had wanted to come to the party so badly I should have just turned up,.....cue 10 years of upset coming to the surface and a BIG row between me and her. Although we both said things we shouldn't she was the one in who ended up in tears and I'm now the evil SIL, breaking up the family as predicted. MIL now hates me because I have upset her daughter (other siblings thankfully still friendly when I see them though). I've basically been told to stay away, which is fine but it makes me feel .

Now I normally bounce back from these things, but for some reason this is really eating away at me! I can't sleep thinking about it, partly because I feel really angry at how she has treated me, but also angry at myself for reacting..why couldn't I just ignore the whole thing? OH now has a strained relationship with his mother and barely speaks to sister, SIL's friends who I see on the school run won't speak to me, my kids are asking why I don't go to MIL anymore and I don't know what to say, a family member that fought my corner has also been given a hard time by them. Now I feel terrible - all this because I made such a fuss over a stupid party....and don't think its going to blow over soon, if at all. We also live very close to each other which doesn't help matters.

Have I over reacted?
TIA

loh barely speaks to sister = dosent sound much loss to me. He should concentrate on you and his little family and not worry about his sister. Theres no law that says you have to see your family and get on.

If you wouldnt accept bad treatment from a friend why should you take it from family.

pigpen

I simply wouldn't have lasted 10 years.. you deserve a medal.. I am slightly 'in your face' and if I felt someone had an issue with me I'd have to ask them what it was so it could be resolved sooner rather than building years of resentment and making excuses to dislike the other person.

OH's family don't think I am good enough.. party because they are better off than me, have OCD cleaning habits and I also have a fair few children. So I do understand where you are coming from.

The MIL.. go talk to her.. explain to her that while you have kept quiet about SIL's treatment of you and our family for the last 10 years.. tell her everyone else had noticed so she cannot pretend to be blind to the fact SIL went out of her way to avoid you, and she most likely discussed you with MIL anyway. Ask her what they expect you to do, you have apologised for your part in the debacle and it is only right SIL does too, unless of course she wants to continue a rift and cause problems within the family, that is her move to make. I'd make it perfectly clear you couldn't care less if you never spoke to SIL again but for the rare occasions it is an issue you are adult enough to be civil for the sake of everyone else.. she doesn't need to be antaonistic or rude or make nasty comments or even leave OH out of family events but she must have deliberately invited the children and not the parents to cause trouble.. she started it and you went for the jugular.. and about time! Maybe a few home truths about her behaviour are JUST what she needed!

Carry on as normal with the MIL.. behave as though nothing ever happened.. it is none of her business anyway. It is between you and SIL and she should have stopped her daughter being such a cow in the first place if she didn't want her to be upset at some point! If you normally go round.. go.. be civil be nice and above all refuse to discuss any further with her what went on. I'd stick to the line.. 'I came and said what I felt it was right to say and if SIL wants to apologise to me then I am happy to forget the whole incident, until that happens I have nothing further to add.'

I'd think good riddance to SIL and move on with my life knowing that if nothing else she knows exactly what you think of her ..

NAR

flippin36 what is your OH's stance on all this? Does he think you overreacted or said something you shouldn't or does he support your stance? It is pathetic that her petty sectarianism about your religion has eaten away with her for all this time.

A saying that is stated many times on MSE - you can pick your friends but not your family. You have made the effort to reconcile, leave it at that and don't beat yourself up

euronorris

flippin36 wrote: »

nervousftb Shedid say that my OH had said something (to someone else) about her which upset her and she seems to think I am a bad influence on him (my OH has absolutely no recollection of saying anything but it was apparently said 5 years ago! He's a bit baffled by it all tbh) Also religious differences came up, which makes a lot of sense now. Its all petty tittle tattle stuff.

This bit reminds me of a friend's stepmum. Evidently, I upset her one night and I still have no idea why as when I asked, all I received in response was 'You know what you did.' and 'You're not welcome in my house until you apologise.'.

I was completely taken aback by that comment as that is what I used to hear in the playground, and this woman is twice my age! Still, I remained calm, explained that I didn't know what I had done, and would she please tell me so we can talk about it, but just kept getting the same answer.

I gave up at that point. I was fuming but I had to bite my tongue for the sake of my friend. She'd be the one on the receiving end of her stepmum's anger once I left, after all.

My friend has given me some insight into what the problem is, and as far as I'm concerned (and my friend), I did nothing wrong (i disagreed with a comment she made, she told me I was wrong, and then I agreed with her to save an argument, but the fact I disagreed in the first place seems to have been my big 'sin'), so I didn't apologise then, and I'm not going to either. But only because I don't have to see the woman on anything resembling a regular basis. If I did, I would just have to swallow my pride and apologise for the sake of my friend.

I barely think about it, but I understand the same cannot be said for her stepmum, more than 4 years on. I feel sorry for her actually, it can't be nice hanging onto so much anger like that, over something so small.

January20

You haven't over-reacted. I think she wanted a big row which is why she invited your children to the party and not you nor your OH. If you've only been together 10 years, your children are very young aren't they? How dare she do this? It was nasty and manipulative on her part and I bet she is really happy now. You didn't break the family, she did with her despicable behaviour!

Personally, I'm far too proud to grovel and apologise when I'm not in the wrong. If MIL doesn't want to speak to you and consequently she doesn't get a relationship with your kids, it's her loss. She is an adult, she can start by behaving like one and not siding with one of her children.

Your OH needs to grow a backbone and stick up for you. How he could let you suffer this for 10 years is unbelievable! How you could bear it for so long and say nothing is even more unbelievable!

Your SIL reminds me of my sister when she doesn't get her own way. My parents go to great length to not upset her because she will sulk and not talk to them for whatever length of time she chooses. I don't talk to her. My life is therefore much simpler and quieter. Just because they are family (and in-laws for that matter) doesn't mean you have a duty to have a relationship with them!

flippin36

Percy1983 wrote: »

It does sound like an awful situation to which I can't see any single answer.

The best way to deal with this is just focus on your family, you, OH and children.

With that what does you OH think about all this, has he tried to sort it or just sat back and watched?

Well you see over the course of our marriage he has pretty much ignored the whole thing because he is used to her moodiness, but now its come to blows he's lept into action and made the whole thing worse . He visited his mum shortly after the incident to try and sort things out and to tell her the other half of the story, but she basically took her daughters side and wasn't interested. He would have quite happily severed his relationship but I persuaded him to take the kids once a week (I can't do it). They are lovely with the kids (even SIL). The one concern I do have is that MIL was saying unpleasant things about me infront of my daughter so we can't drop them off and leave, OH has to supervise iyswim. What a mess .

January20

flippin36 wrote: »

Well you see over the course of our marriage he has pretty much ignored the whole thing because he is used to her moodiness, but now its come to blows he's lept into action and made the whole thing worse . He visited his mum shortly after the incident to try and sort things out and to tell her the other half of the story, but she basically took her daughters side and wasn't interested. He would have quite happily severed his relationship but I persuaded him to take the kids once a week (I can't do it). They are lovely with the kids (even SIL). The one concern I do have is that MIL was saying unpleasant things about me infront of my daughter so we can't drop them off and leave, OH has to supervise iyswim. What a mess .

I agree this is good for the kids, but in the eyes of SIL and MIL, they have won and created a division in your family between you, and your OH and the kids who they regard as their real family! They have behaved both very badly and been rewarded, by you of all people!

You are really much nicer than me, I would have done what your OH said! (I do apologise about saying he didn't have a backbone - he obviously has!).

flippin36

NAR wrote: »

flippin36 what is your OH's stance on all this? Does he think you overreacted or said something you shouldn't or does he support your stance? It is pathetic that her petty sectarianism about your religion has eaten away with her for all this time.

A saying that is stated many times on MSE - you can pick your friends but not your family. You have made the effort to reconcile, leave it at that and don't beat yourself up

Thank you for that. Yes to be fair my OH is furious with her, it was the straw the broke the camels back I suppose. He's a very non confrontational person and takes a lot for him to be angry. He tells me every night that I haven't done anything wrong and to forget it, but its easier said than done when I'm reminded everytime I go to the supermarket or do the school run.

bearacus

I understand your situation as OH family are the same with me. Im not good enough/ everyone else is right/they backstab etc etc. It is hard as my OH obviously loves his family and me!!

But you Know what! after 8 years (3 married) of trying to please them/ apologising to make the situation better/ going out of my way and making myself question and doubt myself - I have recently decided to F**k them !!!

It doesnt matter what you do they will still hold their own beliefs that you cant change. I married my husband not his family and at 25 I do not need validation from his mother about the person Iam. Live your life for you not them!

You tried to apologise and they refuted it. His Mum needs to tell her daughter to grow up ! xxx

euronorris

I know it's the MIL's daughter, and she is therefore more inclined to stick up for her daughter, but......from the sounds of it, there is no way she could've missed her daughter's despicable behaviour. If I treated ANYONE like that, my mother would tear me a new one! So, I'm wondering if SIL has picked these traits up from her Mum?