Please help.....

AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Hi

I have been reading a lot of threads on the board from people in similar situations. My situation is making me feel as though I do not want to wake up anymore.

Basically my husband of 1 year, we have been together for 2 has no idea that I have any debts and even worse he thinks that I have savings that I have actually had to use to pay my debts. These are debts from before we even met. I do not spend any money these days and have learnt to be an expert budgeter.

I just feel so guilty all the time and don't know what to do. I want to tell him but like us all he hates lies and deceit. I really think it will be the end for us. All my own doing I know. I just can't find the words or the courage to tell him that I have kept it from him.

His financial situation is very good. He has more than 3 times the amount I owe in savings but I just don't want him to be responsible for my past mistakes. I have always worked and payed my debts and have made sure that he is not associated to me in any way.

This is all going to come to the crunch as he does not want me to return to work. We have a nine month old together and I am also currently 11 weeks pregnant again. I want to pay for my own mistakes but how can I tell him that the woman he adores and loves so much has lied to him. He will be destroyed and he deserves so much better than me.

I did not tell him at the beginning as I was afraid he would not want me. Now I will lose him anyway and he will hate me.

I owe £16000, no missed payments, one loan and one credit card.

Please, any advice would be very welcome...

Sublime_2

You will have to come clean. I can't see any other solution. Thats the trouble with lies, they can spiral out of control. Always best to be honest in the first place.

Are you managing to reduce what you owe at the moment?

TC1

You MUST tell him. A problem shared and all that...

You WILL get lots of help on here to help guide you through this difficult time.

I'm no expert but have learnt lots on MSE.

Chin up and good luck.

TC1

AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Thanks for your replies. I know I have to come clean but he will leave or make me leave as it is his house. Our daughter is going to suffer because I wasn't brave enough to admit the truth at the start. How do I live with destroying all our lives?

I am just paying the minimum payment on the card and have 3 years left on the loan.

MauiJim

There is no way he should leave you for something like this. You must tell him and deal with it from there. You have a child so surely he will see sense

BILLIE

Okay - this is a difficult one because the one thing you have to do you feel will destroy everything you cherish. Have never been in this situation so can't talk from experience, but..... you are expecting and all this stress is not doing your unborn child any good. You must sit down and talk it through. Explain that you want to pay this your way, but it is eating you up that you haven't shared it with him. Maybe he knows! Maybe he will help, but until you talk to him those maybe's remain unanswered.... Good luck and keep us posted. Billie xx

Dabooka

Tell him.

I'm married a year, been together for 4 and I would be gutted to think we couldn't sort this out or one of us couldn't talk to the other about it. I had a far smaller amount than you on credit cards (but managed perfectly well) but my missus insisted we treated it as a shared reposnsibility, even if it's not a shared debt. At the end of the day it's as much his problem as yours, you're married now.

Good luck

AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Thank you. He knows something is wrong because I keep crying all the time and he has said he knows something is wrong. I am very stressed and I know it's no good for all of us, including our unborn child.

I appreciate the support and I am going to try and tell him tonight. So many times over the past few weeks, it has been right in my mouth to say it.

Will definitely let you know how things go.

dancingfairy

This question comes up all the time it seems to be a really common situation. Nearly everyone reports back and says that their partner has hit the roof and then slowly come around - let's face it he isn't going to be best pleased for a few days but frankly if he is a man then not a mouse he should accept that you didn't do this on purpose and were scared to tell him - in fact the worst thing seems to be the fact that people haven't said anything sooner - not the actual debts if that makes sense.
You are not asking him to pay your debts, you have been dealing with them on your own so far - hopefully the balance is going down?, you are not overspending anymore?
Frankly you haven't ruined anyone's life - that's crazy talk.
You have 2 choices - 1) either continue as you are and let the worry drive you crazy and it won't do much good for your soon to be little one either or 2) you try and break it to your other half gently.
Unless there is a real fear of violence then you really ought to tell him.
df

dancingfairy

Could you try and break it to him gently? perhaps mention that you saw a website/saw something on the tv about people in debts and that you have a small amount of debt you are dealing with and take it from there?
df

shopaholictiedtheknot

You have to tell him,I think although he is bound to be angy/upset I am sure you will find he will forgive you, I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago and my DH forgave me and helped me to pay off what I owed ( he insisted) and I feel it has made our relationship stronger as I know whatever comes he will stand by me and I by him. You are a family and a couple and you have decided to be together for better or worse - best of luck, I hope you are ok.