Don't know where to turn

mum2one

Eejit wrote: »

Thanks Mum2One.

My hormones (or as I thought my emotions ) have been all over the place since that night. Given that I have lost weight in that time I never for one minute even considered pregnancy as a result of it.

I've never heard of Brooke but I;m just about to google them and get numbers/emails etc to contact them. Apart from posting on here I only have my flat mate to turn to - she's out tonight on my insistance that I'm not about to break but under orders not to say anything.

I feel awful for saying this but I don't know if I'd want this child even if I could support it.

If I do want it/can keep it, would I be punished for not chasing the father for payments?

Hope your feeling a bit better today, You wouldn't be punished for not nameing the babies father, as the other poster said u could say it was a drunken one night stand or what ever you would feel comfortable with.

My daughter is now 8, and I walked out on her dad when I was 7 months pregnant, I was in a violent and abusive relationship, my GP originally thought I'd got a kidney infection and a pregnancy test was done, which was negative, went back a week later still suffering, same tests, but the stick went blue, I was about 5 weeks gone, I had every emotion under the son, I was 30 in a relationship that I hadn't wantefd to be long term, got a good job thou I hated it, as I had plans to move 200 miles and start a new life....... but everything changed, all the options were discussed, I couldn't go down the abortion route, but as that felt wrong, yet in the past I'd taken the money after pill, so effectively they were the same thing, at about 7 months gone after I'd walked out on my ex, social services were involved as my midwife had previously raised concerns about my ex and his behaviour, I was basically told that if I had have stayed with him, social servcies would have been taking a keen interest, \i started going down the adoption route path, but at each turn there was something stopping me, I had the pregnancy from hell, I went off sick from work at 7 weeks gone and never went back, at the time my income was ssp then maternity pay, this was a 1/4 of what I had been earnig whilst working, but when my daughter was born, all the hurt and the upset just went, admittadly when she was 3 days old I had an afternoon of hystericals had I done the right thing, was it what I wanted, could I cope, what if, shall I go down the adoption route, but as I said something held me back.
I had to go on to benefits, and when they asked about the father as they wanted to chase him for child support, I just explained he had been violent etc, and the were brilliant.

I had councelling for 2 years after she was born, 50% of it was because of having a baby, sinlge mum, my life being turned upside down by this little person, and I was also sueing my employer, as well as fighting my ex, which after about 3 months he disappered off the face of the earth.

Now, I never ever regret having her, she is the best thing that could have happened to me, she's my life, and to hear mummy i love you just melts my heart.

It hasn't all been sweetness and light, my life has changed, but for the better, I'm now studying with the Open Uni for a degree, I have great family support, (yet at the time my dad gave my mum the choice me or him, if I stayed with the baby he went,) that was all hot air, my daughter has him wrapped around her little finger. He is as pround as punch.

Yes my daughter has asked about her dad, I've not told her the truth, I just said that mummy and daddy didn't love each other enough to stay together and left it at that, - when I was at school, there may have been 1 child in the class room that was a single parent family, now its a good 75% of singe families.

I did meet someone who i fell in love with, and would have made a future, the problem was the distance that broke us up, but never say never.

As others have said do contact the police, sorry to ask a personal question, but do you know who the rapist was is that whats making it difficult? But make student services the 2nd stop, please - what ever you decide - your know whats best for you.

I also think you do need to let your family know, ok they may be upset that you nevertold them, but its not as thou you got yourself pregnant to bring shame on the family, it was not your fault your the victim here, there understand, it may take some time,

I'm not saying having a baby is the be all and end all for me it worked out the best decision, but you need to look at what is best for you.

Please take care xx

mum2one

VjbMusher wrote: »

Hi,
I felt I had to reply. I'm so sorry for what you have been through. I went through similar and was torn on whether to keep my baby, my mind was a mess and hormones certainly don't help you to make this kind of decision. I was booked in for a termination- the whole time my gut instinct was telling me not to go through with it.

I'm so grateful that I listened to my intuition as I now have a happy beautiful boy. If anything, he saved me. I was lost and so low afer such an awful event, I feel he was actually a blessing- something great came from something bad.
He has his own personality and I love him!

I don't get any support from my family but that's another story. I met a man who was willing to raise him as his own and eventually had another baby. But now sadly we are separated, but my children are my life. I'm happier than ever.

I guess my advice to you is to listen to your instinct- it's never wrong.

Is there someone who you can confide in at uni? As with the benefits you don't have to tell them about the father. I just told them it was a drunken one night stand as I was uncomfortable telling them at the time.

I wish you all the best in whatever you decide. It does get easier

Your son sounds one in a million, and your other child, sory things didn't work out, but know what you mean about children being your life, sometimes its the daftest things that make you realise that. xx

Eejit_2

VjbMusher wrote: »

Hi,
I felt I had to reply. I'm so sorry for what you have been through. I went through similar and was torn on whether to keep my baby, my mind was a mess and hormones certainly don't help you to make this kind of decision. I was booked in for a termination- the whole time my gut instinct was telling me not to go through with it.

I'm so grateful that I listened to my intuition as I now have a happy beautiful boy. If anything, he saved me. I was lost and so low afer such an awful event, I feel he was actually a blessing- something great came from something bad.
He has his own personality and I love him!

I don't get any support from my family but that's another story. I met a man who was willing to raise him as his own and eventually had another baby. But now sadly we are separated, but my children are my life. I'm happier than ever.

I guess my advice to you is to listen to your instinct- it's never wrong.

Is there someone who you can confide in at uni? As with the benefits you don't have to tell them about the father. I just told them it was a drunken one night stand as I was uncomfortable telling them at the time.

I wish you all the best in whatever you decide. It does get easier

That's what worries me. My intuition at the moment is telling me I need this baby like a hole in the head. I'm worried it'll be a constent reminder of 'that night'.

I really wish I had longer to think things through and get used to the idea.

StrongWork wrote: »

Terrible situation.

#1 Police.
#2 Police
#3 University - I'm sure they will be understanding. They have services in place for very unfortunate situations such as these.

The next massive question is whether you want to keep the baby. Very very difficult and not a decision to be taken lightly. As hard as it may be, I think it would be helpful to involve your family. In these instances feeling alone and unsupported is the worst.



The rapist is someone you know?

As I said above - police. Don't let him get away with it.

Sorry if I misled you. He's not a fellow student, it's not that easy. I was worried if Govt officials asked details of the sperm donor (sorry if that sounds crass but I cannot think of him as a father) that I would be punished for not having his details.

Sorry I can't quote everyone. Rest assured you've all been a great help. I'm off to see student services in the morning. The mere thought fills me with dread as I feel ashamed enough. Joanne said she'll come with me so that's a big help. She's been great.

Can't thank you all enough for your help and support. I suppose I should get some sleep now and hope this meeting goes ok.

Eejit xx

woozywendy

I wish I knew what to say that could make you feel better, but I am struggling with this awful thing that has happened to you so goodness knows the feelings and emotions you are having. Whatever decision you make at the end of the day it will be the right one for you. Take whatever help they offer and please do report it to the police. You have nothing to feel ashamed about at all. xxx

Morglin

Eejit wrote: »

That's what worries me. My intuition at the moment is telling me I need this baby like a hole in the head. I'm worried it'll be a constent reminder of 'that night'.

I really wish I had longer to think things through and get used to the idea.



Sorry if I misled you. He's not a fellow student, it's not that easy. I was worried if Govt officials asked details of the sperm donor (sorry if that sounds crass but I cannot think of him as a father) that I would be punished for not having his details.

Sorry I can't quote everyone. Rest assured you've all been a great help. I'm off to see student services in the morning. The mere thought fills me with dread as I feel ashamed enough. Joanne said she'll come with me so that's a big help. She's been great.

Can't thank you all enough for your help and support. I suppose I should get some sleep now and hope this meeting goes ok.

Eejit xx

No, you don't have to name the 'father' for benefits or for the birth certificate.

Get all the emotional support you can now and after the birth. You don't have to decide now whether to keep the child or not.

If you say you want to place him/her for adoption, after birth, you will be counselled, before anything formal happens, to make sure it's what you want.

Whether you want to report it or not must be your decision, but even if you don't want to go to the police, the rape crisis people are great and will not put any pressure on you either way.

http://www.rapecrisisni.com/

Are you sure you can't talk to your mum?

I don't know any mother that would not support her daughter in a case like this, whatever her religion.

Don't feel ashamed - rape can happen to any woman, and YOU are the victim of a rapist. Any 'shame' to be borne is his and his alone.

Good luck and best wishes to you, whatever your decisions.

Lin

RAS

Morglin wrote: »

Are you sure you can't talk to your mum?

I don't know any mother that would not support her daughter in a case like this, whatever her religion.

Don't feel ashamed - rape can happen to any woman, and YOU are the victim of a rapist. Any 'shame' to be borne is his and his alone.

Sadly they exist.

If the OP felt unable to tell mum about the rape, then she is not likely to consider mum a safe option now she is pregnant.

If mum had been a safe option, the OP might not even be a university now.

OP - glad you are talking to the university. They will be able to provide practical support (ensure you have somewhere to live) and they will not tell your parents about the situation.

mum2one

Plzed you have an appointment with student services, also agree contacting Rape Crisis centre.
Which ever way you go, it will be right for you. He's the one who has got the problem, and your the victim, plz don't ever forget that.x

Silverhen

Well done for being so brave, your obviously an incredible strong lady.
I felt i would like to add that whatever you decide , has to be from your heart, and has to be 100% based on your emotions/needs rather then any one else's, family or not.
It is you who will live with the regret should you make the wrong one , not other people, do not let anything influence your decisions, you will feel in your heart what it is you want the most, if not now then soon enough.
I believe if you choose to keep your little girl/boy then the right support will be priceless and help you see your child , as the unique individual they are, rather then the terrible thing that happened.
Sometimes there is good to be had from bad.
I equally believe that if you opted for adoption , you will , with the right support be happy again.
However in my personal opinion both are more or less the same in terms of the strength needed to get through them , and in difficulty, so like i said above , you do what you feel is right for you and which ever decision you make, you will know to be the right one.

I have had a baby adopted in past, and although my experience is completely different to yours , i know in any circumstances , this is one of the hardest ever decisions you have to make, sometimes what you feel can be clouded of the opinions of others , thats why all i want to say, is please , it is your life , your babys life , let it be yours and your only decision.

I wish you all the best, and you will get through this. xxxx

Eejit_2

Sorry I haven't been back on before to update you all. It has been an absolute whirlwhind of events this past week and I've been too exhausted to log on never mind post a reply.

The meeting with out Student Advisor couldn't have gone better if I had tried. She was lovely. Didn't judge me (didn't ask either) and offered not only practical advice but emotional support. She even offered to mediate between my Mum and I but I thought it best I made the call myself.

I phoned my Mum pretending to have failed a pre-exam test (heck, I'm the first Uni student in the family, they don't know it doesn't exist :rotfl:) but she really surprised me. She told me to stop lying to her and tell her what was really wrong. I lied again and told her I was upset that I was about to fail my exams but she said, in her words "Emma, this is your Mum you're talking to, I know there's something wrong".

I broke down and told her. She was on the next available flight here and she's hardly left my side since. Thank God she can't stay here overnight or I'd be smothered between her and Joanne. I can't believe I painted her and thought of her as this big Ogre. She's been great.

She came with to see my SA and we've sorted out the practicalities of when/if I become a single student Mammy.

It's such a weight off me (pardon the pun) just to know my Mum will be here for me whatever I decide when the time comes.

Just now need to deal with the headf*ck that this is giving me. Hopefully I'll know what's for the best when I deliver him/her.

Thank you again to everyone for your kind words and support through this. I honestly couldn't have got through this whirlwind few weeks without you all.

Emma. :T

allen35

Well done you and wish you well on whatever path you take (you don't need luck) sure it'll be the right decision.

Mammys aren't that bad eh!