How would you feel

Nicki

pupsicola wrote: »

Thanks, thought it was just me who had noticed that.

OK then. Good luck navigating this minefield.

milliebear00001

Nicki wrote: »

When she is standing in front of a family court judge on an application for contact, I can assure you that how she feels about the situation will be completely irrelevant. She could have cast iron proof that she will have a full blown nervous breakdown if dad sees the kids and it will carry not one whit of weight on the decision.

In cases of this kind, the welfare of the children is paramount and the presumption is that it is in the best interests of the children for contact with the children to be maintained. If there is proof that OP has been the victim of abuse (other than her raising it officially for the first time on a contact application) then supervised contact may well be ordered. If there is any suggestion that the children have been abused, or might be at risk, then obviously great care will be taken, but violence against a spouse does not mean that the parent will go on to abuse the children.

The family courts are chockfull of abandoned mothers refusing access to their children on the grounds of abuse however, and the courts are jaded to this kind of thing. If OP has no record of police reports or social services involvement or medical evidence to back up her claims, she could face an uphill struggle.

I am sure all of that is true, but my sense, from reading rhe original post, is not that this is a mother full of bitterness towards her children's absent father, but one who knows how volatile he can be, and is justifiably concerned for her children's physical and mental well-being.

In her shoes, I would be extremely wary of rocking the boat. Her children are happy. Their father has a record of violence and unreliability. I would tread very carefully if access was to be granted. I would decide (as the parent with care) what sort of access would be in the best interest of the children (whom I would know and whom he, now, does not). Anything other than this would have to be demanded by a court.

I think the point that the children may 'resent' her decision to try to keep their father apart from them is wrong. It shouldn't matter whether they might resent her. She should be making her decision based on what she perceives to be in the best interest of the children (not because she is fearful of their reproach later in life). My feeling is, that if my mother had made a decision to keep me away from a father who had been violent towards her and disinterested in maintaining contact through my early years, I would probably support her in that choice as an adult.

ellie101

A friend of mine was asked by a judge at a family court what her thoughts were on changing contact rights (her ex had been mentally abusive, as well as locking her out the house.. he'd also done something else a decade before when divorcing, can't really say what as it's her business).

The judge took her views into account (she let her go away and consider what she wanted to do). She decided she wanted things to stay as they were.. and the judge agreed.

So judges do consider everyone's views in domestic violence cases... and in this case... don't you think a judge is going to think it seriously weird that the ex is asking for contact but the kids can't contact him in between? Can anyone else see that as okay? I don't get the reasoning behind it, maybe a judge would see otherwise.

OP, my friend also did it all through legal channels as she said she could not bear it if things had gone wrong and she'd felt it was her decision. If the courts had decided otherwise she would have accepted it.

Good luck with it.

sjc3

Nicki wrote: »

If there is proof that OP has been the victim of abuse (other than her raising it officially for the first time on a contact application) then supervised contact may well be ordered.

Sorry but I beg to differ you did suggest that she may be making this up. I have been a reader of this board for a long time and have read many posts where the OP has been trying to help people who have suffered abuse. Her knowledge suggests to me that she has experienced this. As she confirmed herself in a post here.

You also told her that she shouldn't use her children to punish her ex for his ill-treatment of her in the past. There is nothing in her OP to suggest she would do this. She has come on asking for advice. You obviously have issues with her. If you dont like her stay away instead of sticking the knife in at every opportunity, it doesn't show you in a nice light at all.

pupsicola

Thankyou to those who have offered lots of helpful advice I do appreciate it. I am going to sort this out legally as I only have my childrens best interest at heart. My eldest has had to go through years of counselling because of the abuse and violence he witnessed. My youngest stopped developing altogether for 6 months and has had all kinds of health professionals involved with him since. So of course I am wary of any contact, as would be any responsible parent. I will be fine navigating my way through this as I have a loving and supportive family and friends who want the best for all of us. Many thanks again

sjc3

Nicki wrote: »

OK then. Good luck navigating this minefield.

She will be fine

Nicki

pupsicola wrote: »

I am going to sort this out legally as I only have my childrens best interest at heart.

I do think this is the best thing to do for you and the children.

Just so you are aware, the advice I gave you on this thread is exactly the same as advice I would give to my best friend if she were in the same situation, albeit that I would obviously offer it to her with tea, sympathy and a listening ear. It is all factually and legally correct. We may have had issues in the past which made me not inclined to sugar coat the message, but I did not think it right to let you labour under the impression some posters had given that the father had no legal rights and that as the parent with care you could legally decide whether or not he could have contact. That would have resulted in you and the children ending up in a terrible mess.

Genuinely I hope you can sort something out which is in the best interests of the children, and that you can find a good lawyer to steer you through this. I wasn't being flippant when I described it as a minefield. It really is one of the most difficult legal situations anyone is ever likely to find themselves in, and it is vitally important to handle things correctly from the outset, as once matters start going down a certain path with a judge it is very hard to alter that course.

Former_MSE_Andrea

Hi everyone

I think the OPs knows what she feels she should do now so let's leave it on that note.

Andrea