How would you feel

pupsicola

I left my ex husband almost 5 years ago, after suffering domestic violence. He hasn't had any contact with his kids for the last 2 1/2 years. He just decided to walk away altogether.

He has located us and sent a letter saying he wants to pay maintenance monthly and expects to see his kids. My eldest barely remembers him and my youngest wouldn't know him if he passed him in the street.

What has really upset me is that any contact he has he wants only on his terms. Once a month for a day then no contact in between. Kids would not be allowed to phone him or send any cards/pictures. I wouldn't be allowed to phone him and bother him as he puts it. He wouldn't want updating on how they are or what they are up to.

I seriously question his mental health. Dont know how anyone can think this suggestion is normal or okay. It would upset my little boys terribly. He cant make us do this can he?

pigpen

I'd ignore it entirely in the hope he'd think he had the wrong address details for you.. Or maybe get a free half hour with a solicitor and send him a letter back to the effect if he wants to see them he can go through a solicitor he'll no doubt soon be put off by their fees... given his lack of interest and the fact he has been violent (could you trust him not to hurt the children?) it is unlikely he would get unsupervised contact if you really stressed it.

euronorris

Did he give any reason for the 'no contact' rule inbetween visits? Seems very odd indeed? Makes me ask, why bother at all?

Tropez

Are the kids old enough where any court would be willing to take their wishes on board?

Assuming the DV was reported to the police, and his list of demands, if he tried to pursue it through the courts you may be able to have any application for visitation dismissed because he doesn't come across as stable, nor does he really come across as someone trying to be a father. If the kids are old enough where the court would take their wishes on board then this may be all that is necessary. A court will not force a child to spend time with an estranged parent if that child does not want to if the child is considered able to make up their own mind.

If he is not pursuing it through the courts, I'd tell him to keep his money and that he cannot see the kids and perhaps make mention that you wish for no further contact from him and any that he makes will be viewed as harassment.

pupsicola

He has a new family and wouldn't want to be bothered by us. Its like he sees us as a dirty secret. His whole attitude and way of seeing things just seems so out of order to me. There is no way I will agree to him treating his sons like this. Im just so upset that he thinks this behaviour is an acceptable way to treat children.

My eldest is 8 and my little one is 5

delain

Get legal advice, you can quite legitimately say that you want supervised contact so they can get used to him, if like you say they wouldn't recognise him they'd think you sent them off with a stranger and be upset, I'm sure social services and cafcass would back you up.

FakeIrish

To be fair, he is now offering to pay maintenance so lets give him some dues. Without knowing the full facts, he may have been undergoing some rehabilitation work on his anger and other potential mental health issues. He may be wanting to start things off slowly to see how it goes before comitting himself further with your children.

But, I think it would be well within your rights to have some expanation as to why he's proposing this approach.

sassyblue

Hi pupsicola, l think you have every right to be concerned. He's popped up after so long and thinks he can make demands on his terms??

Definitely only pursue everything through solicitors and make sure any visit is supervised and on neutral ground IF your children want to see him! (I'm sure you'll do this anyway).

Not sure what mental health issues he may have now but he's certainly strange to think he can breeze back into your lives on his terms...

Good luck x

gratefulforhelp_2

Do what sassyblue suggests, he is not going to be entitled to that form of contact, and I am worried this suggests that he is not planning to give you his correct contact details.

Also if you have documented evidence of domestic violence, you have a very good reason to insist on supervised contact for the time being, and he needs to get to know them again gradually, IF the advice is to let him have contact.

sashadesade

He has a real nerve. Personally, I would ignore him and if he tried to gain access legally, I would fight him. I imagine the whole thing would just be upsetting for the kids and if he sincerely wanted a relationship with them he wouldn't put those ridiculous restrictions in place.

somethingsgottogive

Unless you signed for the letter, he does not know you received it - ignore it and deny all knowledge. I've seen your replies to others in abusive relationships, and it's pretty obvious that this 'man' destroyed your happiness once before. He has no right to suddenly decide that he'll flash the cash and you'll just go along with his domineering and unreasonable demands. Would your kids even WANT to spend time with him, and would you trust that they were safe?

Some one said 'give him his dues, he's offered to pay maintenance..'. Yes he has, but evidently not unconditionally and not just because he wants to help.