How would you feel

Kimberley82

FakeIrish wrote: »

Your experience counts for nothing if you adopt one single stance without evidence to the contrary.

I'm conscious we're high-jacking this thread so let's leave this.

All I'm saying to the OP, give the father a chance but do so through the correct channels.

Its not a single experiance, I deal with alot of children who have bee through this.

budgetboo

Violence against the Mum counts as nothing in a family court UNLESS the children witnessed and were distressed by the violence. At this point Mums can be threatened with the removal of their children by social services for not taking adequate steps to protect them.

(utterly insane and cruel but sadly I know at least 2 women who had to endure threats and case conferences in recent years from social services. They don't always help the way you'd expect which means some women now endure the violence in silence in order to hang onto their kids)

Jinx

I left my ex husband almost 5 years ago, after suffering domestic violence. He hasn't had any contact with his kids for the last 2 1/2 years. He just decided to walk away altogether. In that case I would make him jump through every legal hoop to ensure he is serious; its not a whim and wants to be a responsible adult and proper father.

He has located us and sent a letter saying he wants to pay maintenance monthly and expects to see his kids. My eldest barely remembers him and my youngest wouldn't know him if he passed him in the street. Charming! Did he actually use the word 'expects'? Sounds like a control freak... If you reply at all, Id ask him to use the CSA to assess your case. That way he cant stop maintenance when/if he gets fed up. You dont have to be on benefits to do this.

What has really upset me is that any contact he has he wants only on his terms. Once a month for a day then no contact in between. Kids would not be allowed to phone him or send any cards/pictures. I wouldn't be allowed to phone him and bother him as he puts it. He wouldn't want updating on how they are or what they are up to. Again, control freakish, put exwife and kids in one box, new family in another... Neither the twain shall meet...

I seriously question his mental health. Dont know how anyone can think this suggestion is normal or okay. It would upset my little boys terribly. He cant make us do this can he? I can understand wanting to see his boys and to support them. His methods and expectations are just bizarre. Regardless of his intentions, if it was me Id make him prove he was sincere by going the official route.


Id just like to add that one poster said, your view is irrelevant- I can assure you it is not. You are the parent with care, you are the one day in day out who looks after and protects your boys. I am not saying that their father shouldnt get to see them, but it DOES count that he was violent towards you. My 'dad' was violent to my mum and I didnt see him from I was around 4 (his choice) until he turned up when I was 16. He 'expected' to just walk back into my life... What he didnt know was that while my mum never mentioned the abuse - my uncle told me what happened. I dont and will never forgive him for hurting my mum; he didnt ever pay maintenance and reappeared after he thought he wouldnt be financially liable any longer. I am quite sure you are a good and decent mother - like mine and you will get through this.

Nicki

pigpen wrote: »

OP did say the older child has only vague memories of him and hasn't seen him for 2.5 years.. that is a stranger. My MIL is a stranger to my children as she see them once every year or so.. they consider her a stranger so I can't see this being any different.

This needs to be treated very very carefully and go through the correct channels a letter out of nowhere making demands does not have the childrens best interests at heart it is seeing how much power he still has over the OP.

I do think it is important the father at least tries to build a relationship with the children but to protect the OP and the children there needs to be some 'getting to know you' time and briefing/debriefing for the children.. it needs to be formally set up.

I don't disagree with any of this except the "letter out of nowhere" bit. How else should he have initiated the conversation? OP would justifiably have freaked out if he'd arrived on her doorstep or ambushed her in a phone call and after 5 years solicitors are unlikely still to be instructed. A polite letter offering maintenance and making a proposal for contact arrangements is the only appropriate way to go, and initial contact of once a month is very gradual, though I wouldn't let him have them for a whole day but just a few hours.

I don't agree with those who have said to ignore the letter or to withhold all contact however and I think OP's children would resent her for that in the future.

pigpen

Nicki wrote: »

I don't disagree with any of this except the "letter out of nowhere" bit. How else should he have initiated the conversation? OP would justifiably have freaked out if he'd arrived on her doorstep or ambushed her in a phone call and after 5 years solicitors are unlikely still to be instructed. A polite letter offering maintenance and making a proposal for contact arrangements is the only appropriate way to go, and initial contact of once a month is very gradual, though I wouldn't let him have them for a whole day but just a few hours.

I don't agree with those who have said to ignore the letter or to withhold all contact however and I think OP's children would resent her for that in the future.

She has freaked anyway.

I would ignore it and hope it all went away... through fear of him and for our safety

but if I received more contact I would tell him it had to go through solicitors, informal arrangements are difficult in a lot of cases and in this situation where extra support would be needed and the OP is justifiably scared and worried for her and the childrens safety to have it all 'above board' is probably best.

I agree the children might resent it later and they should be allowed to make their own decisions when they have formed an opinion.

Nicki

Jinx wrote: »

Id just like to add that one poster said, your view is irrelevant- I can assure you it is not. You are the parent with care, you are the one day in day out who looks after and protects your boys. I am not saying that their father shouldnt get to see them, but it DOES count that he was violent towards you.

When she is standing in front of a family court judge on an application for contact, I can assure you that how she feels about the situation will be completely irrelevant. She could have cast iron proof that she will have a full blown nervous breakdown if dad sees the kids and it will carry not one whit of weight on the decision.

In cases of this kind, the welfare of the children is paramount and the presumption is that it is in the best interests of the children for contact with the children to be maintained. If there is proof that OP has been the victim of abuse (other than her raising it officially for the first time on a contact application) then supervised contact may well be ordered. If there is any suggestion that the children have been abused, or might be at risk, then obviously great care will be taken, but violence against a spouse does not mean that the parent will go on to abuse the children.

The family courts are chockfull of abandoned mothers refusing access to their children on the grounds of abuse however, and the courts are jaded to this kind of thing. If OP has no record of police reports or social services involvement or medical evidence to back up her claims, she could face an uphill struggle.

pupsicola

Thanks for the advice. My only concern is for the welfare of my children. I have never used them to try and punish my ex. Despite all he did I tried everything to enable him to be a good father after we split up. He treated the kids appallingly and then walked out on their lives.

Sadly I do have police reports, medical evidence and social services were involved for a very long time. Whatever happens next wont be taken lightly and will be in the childrens best interest.

sjc3

OP I hope things work out okay for you. I am sure you have the best interests of your kids at heart. Cant believe that one poster on this thread would suggest that you would use your children to punish your ex or make up abuse when a contact arrangement is requested. Does she have issues with you. Ignore her is my advice

pupsicola

sjc3 wrote: »

OP I hope things work out okay for you. I am sure you have the best interests of your kids at heart. Cant believe that one poster on this thread would suggest that you would use your children to punish your ex or make up abuse when a contact arrangement is requested. Does she have issues with you. Ignore her is my advice

Thanks, thought it was just me who had noticed that.

Nicki

sjc3 wrote: »

OP I hope things work out okay for you. I am sure you have the best interests of your kids at heart. Cant believe that one poster on this thread would suggest that you would use your children to punish your ex or make up abuse when a contact arrangement is requested. Does she have issues with you. Ignore her is my advice

If you are referring to my posts, I did not say OP had made up the abuse, only that if she wanted to rely upon it, she would need to have evidence predating the contact application, and that even in those circumstances, that factor alone would not be conclusive, if the abuse were all directed at her and not the children.

Sympathetic posts telling OP to ignore the request are all well and good, and I am sure OP will be glad of your sympathy if she relies upon that advice and ends up before a family court being threatened with imprisonment for contempt if she won't allow contact, or in the worst case scenario residence being granted to the ex.

I have no doubt OP does have her children's best interests at heart, but she wouldn't be human if she weren't also swayed by her previous history with the ex. I am happy to bow out of the thread if OP doesn't want to know how the legal process works, and what outcome she could realistically expect should the matter come before the family court, but she would really be better off then talking to a solicitor in real life about the potential consequences of her actions, rather than allow herself to be buoyed up by ill-informed but well-meaning sentiments on an internet forum which might lead her into a course of action which could have devastating consequences for her and her children.

Unpalatable as it may be to some, fathers do have legal rights in these circumstances, and OP needs to inform herself of what these rights are, and how she can accommodate them in the safest least upsetting way for her children, if she does not want the decision to be taken out of her hands and to find herself the subject of a court order which may not be as satisfactory to her as something she can negotiate for herself.