How would you feel

pigpen

these are also children who wouldn't know him is they saw him, it would be no different to handing your children to a complete stranger who you knew had a violent record.

How distressing would any cold meeting be for these children? Let alone the mum who would know what he was doing so would immediately think the worst.

I'd ignore it, if he is serious he'll sort this through proper legal channels.

FakeIrish

pigpen wrote: »

these are also children who wouldn't know him is they saw him, it would be no different to handing your children to a complete stranger who you knew had a violent record.

How distressing would any cold meeting be for these children? Let alone the mum who would know what he was doing so would immediately think the worst.

I'd ignore it, if he is serious he'll sort this through proper legal channels.

I agree it will be distressing for all concerned, including the father. And yes, this must be done through the correct channels.

busiscoming2

I would ignore it and if he pursues it let him do it via a solicitor and court action. I find it very strange he has not previously wanted contact and only wants extremely limited contact now. He is a stranger to them and at the very least I would agree to supervised contact via a legitimate contact centre.

Nicki

pigpen wrote: »

these are also children who wouldn't know him is they saw him, it would be no different to handing your children to a complete stranger who you knew had a violent record.

How distressing would any cold meeting be for these children? Let alone the mum who would know what he was doing so would immediately think the worst.

I'd ignore it, if he is serious he'll sort this through proper legal channels.

OP's oldest child is 8 and was seeing his father until he was 5 or 6. I can imagine the baby would not remember the dad but I'd be surprised if the older child didn't. Certainly my oldest child at that age would have remembered a family member even if he hadn't seen him for a couple of years, and more so i'd have thought if it was his father.

paddy's_mum

The peculiar and worrying demands as to how access is to be handled might very well be entirely because you are his little secret.

Is there another lady, or a hostile mother in law, in the background somewhere that he is very worried might find out about his renewed contact with you, even though it is purely as a result of you being the parent with whom the children live?

budgetboo

Cover your back in case this is an opening shot to more grief. He may have the same problems with his new family set up he had with you and not want you to know.

Take the letter to the police, & get it logged( ss can and will take the kids of DV violence victims since baby P unless they are seen to take appropriate steps to protect the kids - the police can check stuff about his new life you can't and act on info accordingly). The police are really helpful about stuff like cheap solicitors/ your rights etc if you ask nicely. If it ever escalates you have it on record with those who can help you in an emergency, which can save time/hassle etc.

Warn the school/nursery! Tell them you've informed the police.

Ignore until he contacts you again (he may go away if you are lucky). If he asks again put it in writing and keep a copy that you will only agree to supervised contact at an appropropriate centre initially. If he's serious about having changed he'll agree to this in desperation to see the kids he genuinely misses. It doesn't have to be forever, just until you are sure he's safe.

Do you have a formal residency order? (used to be called custody) If you were married and don't quietly go get one before it becomes an issue.

Maintenance & contact are treated as totally unrelated by the courts. If he's serious about being a good parent he'll start to pop a regular cheque in the post. If he just wants to use it as a means of control he won't. No point fretting unless your kids will starve without, in which case talk to the CSA NOT him.

In your shoes I'd leave the maintenance issue totally in his court on the grounds that if your kids have coped without it this long then it's not worth compromising their physical saftey for the sake of a few quid. (Beans on toast is healthy when you add an apple;))

This approach allows him to step up to the plate and be a good Dad without putting yourself or your children at risk. Don't argue the toss personally - the solicitor's letter will keep him at arms length.

Ignore the new family, at this stage they are irrelevant and won't become so until either contact has moved forward to the point the kids go to visit OR they are at the age when they are in danger of dating their half-sibling. Right now the new family is someone else's problem, not your concern at all.

Kimberley82

I have had dealings in my life helping children pick cope after being in situations like this.

pigpen

Nicki wrote: »

OP's oldest child is 8 and was seeing his father until he was 5 or 6. I can imagine the baby would not remember the dad but I'd be surprised if the older child didn't. Certainly my oldest child at that age would have remembered a family member even if he hadn't seen him for a couple of years, and more so i'd have thought if it was his father.

OP did say the older child has only vague memories of him and hasn't seen him for 2.5 years.. that is a stranger. My MIL is a stranger to my children as she see them once every year or so.. they consider her a stranger so I can't see this being any different.

This needs to be treated very very carefully and go through the correct channels a letter out of nowhere making demands does not have the childrens best interests at heart it is seeing how much power he still has over the OP.

I do think it is important the father at least tries to build a relationship with the children but to protect the OP and the children there needs to be some 'getting to know you' time and briefing/debriefing for the children.. it needs to be formally set up.

FakeIrish

Kimberley82 wrote: »

I have had dealings in my life helping children pick cope after being in situations like this.

Your experience counts for nothing if you adopt one single stance without evidence to the contrary.

I'm conscious we're high-jacking this thread so let's leave this.

All I'm saying to the OP, give the father a chance but do so through the correct channels.

onlyroz

I always thought that maintenance and contact were two separate issues.