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What should I reasonably pay for DD to go to Uni
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Hi again and thanks for more sound advice.
I work full-time already, so this would be part-time on top of my full-time job. I would be taxed at the higher rate for anything I did, so would have to work double plus to make any sort of additional monies.
She has only applied to Scottish Universities, and will not pay tuition fees.
She has not applied for any student loans / grants etc.
We are not low income at all, however, we have huge debts that eat into that income.
My DH would NEVER agree to a stranger living in the house (i.e. renting out her room) although that does make very good sense.
She will not engage in any sort of conversation around this - and whenever I try to raise it, it results in flounces, tears, sarcasm and general !!!!!iness (am I allowed to type that on MSE).
Now - she DOES have a legitimate gripe with regards to finance with me! About 4 years ago, I used funds from a savings account I had been putting by for her, to buy a second property abroad. This property is now up for sale - however, she wants that money now and thinks that if she had it, she wouldn't need a student loan. I have told her, that I will - on her demand - give her back instantly every single penny that SHE put into the account (christening money / birthdays money / Xmas money etc.) which comes to just over £1000 (well, I'd put it in for her on her behalf). However, the money that I'd saved for her which comes to nearly £4,000 (the plan was to have £5k for her when she left home) I wouldn't be able to give her until the house sells - and there is no point in her making a fuss, because I don't have it, so there is no point ranting about it! If she makes the demand for the £1000 it won't kill me, but I would be upset because she knows I would have to struggle to get it (Just to put this in perspective, I've already paid £1000 for her to have 2 holidays this year - one with school, one with her friends!!!). Obviously she believes the full £5k to be hers, and by me not giving it to her now when she needs it the most, she sees it that she is being forced into looking at other finance options that she wouldn't have to had I not used the money.
Anyway, I have asked her to speak to a teacher I know she trusts well who may be able to point her in the right direction, but because this requires initiative and effort, I don't know how much she will do about it!
I genuinely want to guide and direct her, but do not want to do it for her! However, happy (and want to very much) be by her side and support her in whatever decisions she makes, but don't think that is necessarily always financially. Although again, willing to do what I can.
I actually think you need to look at this from a teenager's perspective.
Her father is useless, frankly, and has made it clear he won't help her, her step-father won't help her either and her mother, the one person she should be able to rely on, has stolen from her.
That's how she'll see it.
I don't think it's very wise to say you've paid for her to go on holiday either - many parents do that anyway, and as you've said you had a plan to give her some money (some hers) when she left, so presumably you'd have paid for the holidays any way.
Have you apologised to her?0 -
It's perfectly reasonable for her to have to get a part-time job. I don't think it's at all reasonable for any of her parents, including her step-father not to support her considering it's his income that is preventing her from getting a decent level of student support.
There certainly seems to be more going on here than a difficult teenager, or at least it seems that way to me. If I were you I'd actually be having a serious conversation with your husband about what the hell he's playing at because he seems quite childish to me, especially if he's brought her up since she was one. Then again I think your comments also betray an anger at your step-son, so perhaps it's a game of tit for tat. Quite who's the tit, I'm not sure.
:rotfl:You're very perceptive and observent fang! And very right as well. Yes - there is a whole degree of not quite anger, but perhaps frustration around DS (step-son, but as I've known him since he was one also, I just treat him as one of my own too!) also. DS has openly said he's on "easy street" at the moment, but what he doesn't quite comprehend is that it's us (DH and I) and you (the taxpayer) that is keeping him there - despite our best efforts at telling him how wrong this is. He seems to be suffering from exactly the same lethargy as DD, but without the same qualifications she has!!
And before you think I have bred totally delinquent and scroungeworthy off-spring, can I please please reassure you that I have a very happy, healthy and hard-working 22 year old and another immensely energetic and go-getting younger teen also! It's just our almost 18's that we're having the most problems with (however, they both get on brilliantly especially when comparing the awfulness of parents;)).
I am genuinely very sad and upset to say that my DH would not entertain for a second anything that supported her financially at University, and because of this attitude and of course other incidents that largely relate to his and DD's worsening relationship, I increasingly question whether we (DH and I) have a future - this is the first time I've put it down in writing.However, having said this - he would not leave the home (yes, he's that sort of a person) so this is not an option for Uni for DD - it would be up to me to move out and find somewhere else.
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Does your daughter understand what is going on in Holyrood at the moment regarding tuition fees?
There is a strong chance that the Scottish parliament are going to re-introduce a graduate tax for Scottish students. The rate would be set at the current cost in English Uni's. So when she is earning above the £21,000 threshold, she will pay a GT of £12,000.
Tuition fees are free at the moment, but she shouldn't hold her breath. I'm dumbstruck she hasn't even applied to SAAS.0 -
:rotfl:You're very perceptive and observent fang! And very right as well. Yes - there is a whole degree of not quite anger, but perhaps frustration around DS (step-son, but as I've known him since he was one also, I just treat him as one of my own too!) also. DS has openly said he's on "easy street" at the moment, but what he doesn't quite comprehend is that it's us (DH and I) and you (the taxpayer) that is keeping him there - despite our best efforts at telling him how wrong this is. He seems to be suffering from exactly the same lethargy as DD, but without the same qualifications she has!!
And before you think I have bred totally delinquent and scroungeworthy off-spring, can I please please reassure you that I have a very happy, healthy and hard-working 22 year old and another immensely energetic and go-getting younger teen also! It's just our almost 18's that we're having the most problems with (however, they both get on brilliantly especially when comparing the awfulness of parents;)).
I am genuinely very sad and upset to say that my DH would not entertain for a second anything that supported her financially at University, and because of this attitude and of course other incidents that largely relate to his and DD's worsening relationship, I increasingly question whether we (DH and I) have a future - this is the first time I've put it down in writing.However, having said this - he would not leave the home (yes, he's that sort of a person) so this is not an option for Uni for DD - it would be up to me to move out and find somewhere else.
I'm afraid I'd kick him in the face. Your husband that is. It seems he has no problem expecting you to support his child, but won't do the same for yours. Actually, forget kicking him in the face - I can think of a much more worthy target.:D
I doubt it's the first time you've asked yourself - but why are you with him?0 -
I actually think you need to look at this from a teenager's perspective.
Her father is useless, frankly, and has made it clear he won't help her, her step-father won't help her either and her mother, the one person she should be able to rely on, has stolen from her.
That's how she'll see it.
I don't think it's very wise to say you've paid for her to go on holiday either - many parents do that anyway, and as you've said you had a plan to give her some money (some hers) when she left, so presumably you'd have paid for the holidays any way.
Have you apologised to her?
You're right again (!!) the holiday would have been paid for anyway - and has for the past 3 / 4 years to the same extent. I don't even know why I mentioned it!
I have explained to her the situation with the second house and have shown her all of the paperwork relating to exactly how much of her money was used in the purchase. I explained to her why the second house had been bought (it was to help out an elderly relative) and why it had to be in cash. I kept really good records of all birthday etc. monies, so can see instantly how much she has - it stopped going in when she was about 13 as she wanted to spend it from then on. This amount is just under £1k. It would be hard but not impossible to give her this money anytime.
I would prefer to wait and give her both her £1k and a top-up to £5k from savings that I made with her in mind as soon as the house sells. I cannot give her the £4k top-up before this time. If she is insistent however on receiving the £1k then so be it - I am not going to fall out over it!
Have I apologised, yes - very meaningfully, but I wonder if it was explicit enough. For example, I have said "I'm sorry I can't give you the money you are expecting right now, but this is why .... ".
She is aware that as soon as the house sells she will get all monies back. This could still be on time before she starts Uni, in which case there will be no issues. She is also aware of this, and I keep her updated on the sale progress.0 -
I don't think it's at all reasonable for any of her parents, including her step-father not to support her considering it's his income that is preventing her from getting a decent level of student support.
I think all parents need to understand this. If they won't accept it, they need to explain to their offspring that they will be considerably short of funds at uni to the extent that it will probably damage their degree. The student can then make an informed decision on whether to saddle themselves with a large loan by entering a degree course without funding in place to allow them to manage.I'm a Forum Ambassador on the housing, mortgages & student money saving boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Forum Ambassadors are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com (it's not part of my role to deal with this). Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.0 -
She really needs to get her loan application in and loans sorted out. You've told her even if you wanted to you cannot put your hand on money straight away. She will come very unstuck if she doesn't have any funds available to start her university study.
I have a son at university and I couldn't support him financially, his father chose not to. He has had to make his own way and is a better man for it.£2 Coins Savings Club 2012 is £4.............................NCFC member No: 00005.........
......................................................................TCNC member No: 00008
NPFM 210 -
You're right again (!!) the holiday would have been paid for anyway - and has for the past 3 / 4 years to the same extent. I don't even know why I mentioned it!
I have explained to her the situation with the second house and have shown her all of the paperwork relating to exactly how much of her money was used in the purchase. I explained to her why the second house had been bought (it was to help out an elderly relative) and why it had to be in cash. I kept really good records of all birthday etc. monies, so can see instantly how much she has - it stopped going in when she was about 13 as she wanted to spend it from then on. This amount is just under £1k. It would be hard but not impossible to give her this money anytime.
I would prefer to wait and give her both her £1k and a top-up to £5k from savings that I made with her in mind as soon as the house sells. I cannot give her the £4k top-up before this time. If she is insistent however on receiving the £1k then so be it - I am not going to fall out over it!
Have I apologised, yes - very meaningfully, but I wonder if it was explicit enough. For example, I have said "I'm sorry I can't give you the money you are expecting right now, but this is why .... ".
She is aware that as soon as the house sells she will get all monies back. This could still be on time before she starts Uni, in which case there will be no issues. She is also aware of this, and I keep her updated on the sale progress.
Would it be possible for you to give her the money back in stages? In the form of a monthly allowance? At least that way she would receive some support to enable her to go.
But she absolutely must fill in her loan application asap if she has any hope of funding anything.0 -
I used to love him very much
I think you know your answer then.
Does he know how his behaviour is making you and your child feel? Perhaps relationship counselling would help? I think you definitely need a full and frank adult discussion - how easy that will be with your husband I don't know.
Good luck!:)0
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