Please help, this is tearing my family apart :(

richardfenn

We spoke to the CSA this morning and said if she drops the DNA test then it is case closed. However, she sent my wife a Facebook message last night and said we could have the DNA test and then we'd never see him again so now we will have to wait and see.

mrsspendalot

richardfenn wrote: »

We spoke to the CSA this morning and said if she drops the DNA test then it is case closed. However, she sent my wife a Facebook message last night and said we could have the DNA test and then we'd never see him again so now we will have to wait and see.

She sounds delightful!!!

Stick to your guns re the DNA test - it is only fair in the long run for your son and for the child involved. If the DNA test proves he is the father, the legal system will allow him the chance to maintain contact with his child regardless of what she says about never seeing him again. Just a silly little girl playing games she knows nothing about by the sounds of it. Chin up xx

Money-saving-gal

Grand Turismo 5 has helped [/QUOTE] (haven't learned how to do quotes properly yet)

Richard, I know you mean this tongue in cheek but there's a serious message here that breaks my heart - I look at my son, a student of 21, and sometimes he seems so immature, it frightens me that he could become a father any day! Smoking funny fags does nothing to enhance judgement, so if something stupid is going to happen (getting pregnant by a stranger/getting a stranger pregnant), drugs are only going to help it along.

I really hope you can sort this out and that both parents (if indeed your boy turns out to be one of them) can realise they have each played a part in bringing this situation about. As you've said yourself, the baby is being used as a weapon - this is so common but so utterly damaging to the young life involved.

That said, I'm sure youre family will sort this out if you're son keeps his wits about him and keeps off the drugs. He's lucky to have a supportive family.

All the best, Money-saving-gal

clearingout

richardfenn wrote: »

We spoke to the CSA this morning and said if she drops the DNA test then it is case closed. However, she sent my wife a Facebook message last night and said we could have the DNA test and then we'd never see him again so now we will have to wait and see.

she's a young girl and clearly terrified so try and see things from her side. She has a child she has to be responsible for, she's got to feed him, clothe him, keep a roof over their heads. She thought she'd found a partner to help her do that - and now she knows she hasn't, the only thing she can hurt him with is the child himself so she makes nasty threats. This is entirely normal behaviour when relationships break down amongst people who are 20 years older, age or experience has nothing to do with it. Try not to judge her but do what you can to support your son, get the DNA test and then move forwards when you know what you're dealing with.

Where are her parents in all of this? Is it worth a quiet word with them about access? It would seem reasonable to me that your son continues building a relationship until proven he's not the father, rather than waiting around to see if he is the father and missing out on some of the baby's 'firsts' over the next few months. I guess that depends on personal prefereneces, however, and I can see the arguments both for and against.

You need to keep a hold of any correspondence like this as if your son is the father, you are probably going to end up in court to gain access. This will show her to be unreasonable and capable of denying access just because she can. I also have to say, at some level, you need to step back and let your son deal with it - he was adult enough to possibly conceive a child, he needs to face the responsiblity of that. If the girl is sending messages to your wife, it does suggest an over involvement by yourselves - although I acknowledge that's a judgement based on very little information and I apologise if it's not the case.

I hope it works out for everyone concerned, least alone the child.

gambit27

The only reason she doesn't have Richard's son supporting her is because she cheated on him whilst pregnant with 'his' child. I'd say this isn't a girl who's terrified, but trying her best to get money and babysitting out of this family for a child she can't be sure who fathered.

No this is not normal behaviour, you cannot use a child as a weapon, I am a single parent myself, my ex has put me through all sorts, but I would NEVER use my children as weapons, their feelings and wellbeing have to come first. I'd like to point out I became a mother at 21, I split with the father briefly not long after, but got back together, in the time we were apart I never, ever, used my child as a weapon! If this girl has her child's interests at heart, she would not be using it as a weapon!!!

I do agree however, it may be worthwhile getting this girls parents involved if it's an option.

RAS

richardfenn wrote: »

We spoke to the CSA this morning and said if she drops the DNA test then it is case closed. However, she sent my wife a Facebook message last night and said we could have the DNA test and then we'd never see him again so now we will have to wait and see.

She may be offended by the demand for a DNA test, like many women, but she may also mucking your son about (even more than already).

I strongly advise you to print off and keep/ download and keep all communications, both ways with this young woman.

Can you send her text messages rather than phoning any time?

richardfenn

clearingout wrote: »

she's a young girl and clearly terrified so try and see things from her side. She has a child she has to be responsible for, she's got to feed him, clothe him, keep a roof over their heads.

She (like a few of her friends) got a council house when she had the baby at 16 years old. We have never said anything to her that would give her a reason to be terrified of us. We are not asking for custody and we would never get it anyway unless she was proven to be abusing the child and she's not. She looks after him really well and whenever we've seen him he's always been fit, happy, clean and healthy. In that respect she's a great mum and we've told her this on many occasions.

clearingout wrote: »

Where are her parents in all of this? Is it worth a quiet word with them about access?

Her father died of illness when she was eight years old I think. He didn't live with them though, her mother saw to that. Her mother is just as bad if not worse. She has never liked my son and also tries to belittle him at every opportunity. She had her daughter at 16 just like her own mother had her at 16. She has even told us that children don't need fathers.

clearingout wrote: »

You need to keep a hold of any correspondence like this as if your son is the father, you are probably going to end up in court to gain access. This will show her to be unreasonable and capable of denying access just because she can.

We've been printing out everything shes been sending.

clearingout wrote: »

I also have to say, at some level, you need to step back and let your son deal with it - he was adult enough to possibly conceive a child, he needs to face the responsiblity of that. If the girl is sending messages to your wife, it does suggest an over involvement by yourselves - although I acknowledge that's a judgement based on very little information and I apologise if it's not the case.

We would love our son to deal with more of this situation but every time she speaks to my son it always ends in an argument and he's sick of it. Every message she sends to my wife lately starts off by slagging our son off, not the best way to behave if you're looking for a conversation or discussion.

Before it got to this stage she spoke and texted regularly with my wife. They went baby shopping together, they were almost like mother and daughter.

It's things like this that make the situation harder to bear in all honesty because we knew that she hadn't had the best upbringing (from things she'd told my son) so we treated her like one of the family. Now she's throwing it all back in our faces.

clearingout

when I say terrified, I don't mean of you, your son or your family. I mean more for her future and what it holds. When my ex left me I lived in what I can only describe as a permanent state of fear for about 12 months - I had no idea how to work things out, what to do, where to go, how to make the pieces of my life all fit back together again. Eventually, with time, support and distance from my ex, it all worked out. But I'm 40, with a Masters degree, a full working life behind me, a good mum behind me, a good mum behind me who's willing to help me financially and an ability to rationalise that this isn't all my fault. If what happened to me at 38 had happened to me at 18, I dread to think where I would be today. Perhaps better off! Who knows?!

On top of that, you've got someone demanding a DNA test which, as RAS rightly points out, is downright insulting! I suspect, in this case, there is reason to fear the outcome of the test and you have no choice whatsoever put to pursue it. But having the CSA phone me and tell me my ex had denied he was the father of our child when it was him having an affair is about the lowest point of the whole sordid mess that is my life and I can't tell you what it did to me. Try and cut her some slack, that's all I'm saying. And I acknowledge that you've probably done more than enough in that sense already. I really hope you all get a decent out come from this.

gambit27

But clearing out, in this situation, it was the girl who was cheating, and the boy was told she was pregnant a week after a one night stand, I think she should expect a DNA test! No disrespect to you, you obviously had a hard time, but this situation is completely different to yours and I don't think you can compare the two.

clearingout

Yeah, I know it's different. I just think it's not as easy as saying it's all her fault for having multiple partners (which is how it looks) and she should expect it. There are two sides to every story and I'm trying to put myself on the other side of this, that's all. All that matters really is that the test is done (which was my point in commenting - the window of opportunity) so that everyone is able to move on and work things out.