NCT membership

eml_3

The main thing about partners being at the birth is that they need to want to be there! There is some evidence that women benefit most from the close support of another woman, who has given birth herself, but that doesn't mean that the support of your partner can't be invaluable.

That is why it is so useful for him to attend classes with you. There, you can both learn about labour, birth and postnatal life so that you can be well informed and need not feel so out of place in a hospital setting. medical professionals can be very intimidating and the language that they use can be quite off putting, so going to classes and being prepared can be very helpful. He can rub your back, help you change position, give you drinks of water or just tell you how well you are doing and encourage you.

NCT classes are for everyone and the teacher should make everyone feel included. There should be no pressure for group hugs etc and while one of the hopes of the classes is to provide a support network for after the birth, it is not the only one. I hope you both enjoy the classes and have a birth you want.

carpool72

<Hubby is certainly not one who would normally go in for 'sharing his feelings' in a group, even if it is relaxed...though he is a lovely, sensitive caring person >

[email="s&#64;sha"]s@sha[/email], mine is just the same - and definitely wasn't up for going to the classes, but went because it was something I really wanted to do. He said after though that he was really glad he'd been because it had forced him to think and talk about what was going to happen and he had some idea of what was going on, and more importantly what he could do to help when the time came.

kidtechnical

S@sha, I'd suggest you have a chat about things. When I had 1st we didn't really talk about his role, he was just there & felt useless (kept really annoying me by dabbing my brow like we were in a black & white movie, only the cloth was warm & clammy). When I had 2nd I had a homebirth & he felt more involved, because we were at home but also because I knew what to expect from labour & what I needed. I found that I entered a kind of 'zone' where I was so focused I couldn't be distracted or talk or put across how I was feeling. 2nd time we were prepared for this & talked more about my expectations, what I wanted and didn't want (drugs, interventions etc), we let the midwives know that he knew what I wanted & was to speak on my behalf. He was also under strict instructions to stay with the baby should we need to transfer to hospital. I suppose having a homebirth we had some senarios in our heads we prepared for as best we could. You could think of hospital senarios that DH could take charge of (if like when I had 1st they take baby to be weighed in a different room, it can be DH job to go along as you'll not be mobile yet). Basically it helps if you choose a role for him & help him define it, I'm sure that having a friend who didn't know your mind would be just as problematic. I found I didn't want much, just a hand to hold & face to glare at

kidtechnical

jellyhead wrote:

lol! i don't actually want my hubby at the other end, i've told him he's only allowed in if he stays by my head lol! i think if you have a caesarian they put a screen up and hubby does stay at the head end, i've never had one though so i can't confirm. i haven't asked hubby about the cord yet, i suppose i should mention it, he wasn't there when i had spud so he probably doesn't know he'll be offered such a delightful opportunity

LOL when I had both of mines OH was warned to stay up the end where he can make himself useful (that'd be the head, my head!!). When he came in during 1st labour he lingered around the bottom a bit because the midwives were blocking his path & the minute the midwives looked away I hissed 'oi move it' & nodded my head!

I'm starting my midwifery course in August & don't know how I'll cope down the business end - I've had 2 babies but didn't see a thing!

s@sha

Thank you all for your advice. I think I really do want my husband to be there, but I hope I'll feel like he's supporting me in some way...I just don't quite know what!
I suppose as it's our first baby we've not got much idea of what will go on during the birth, and how much 'say' we get in how things are done. I guess that's reason enough to go to the NCT classes. And then as you say, we can talk more about what he can do to feel useful & help me.

I've only seen the midwife once so far, so I haven't been given any info on the NHS ante-natal classes or what to expect. I'm not allowed to have a home birth because it's an IVF baby it has to be 'consultant-led' care...not that I'd be brave enough to opt for one first time round!

Bun

I havent had a chance to read through the entire thread,but some thoughts I have are:
RE NCT membership
Some of my friends in a nearby area found the NCT invaluable as they were told they had little in common with those they were likely to be in the antenatal classes with (ie much older - well not teen -mother etc.) Find out in advance from your midwife any information about other expectant mums in your area and what the services are like. I didn't feel the need to join the NCT. Nearly everybody at my antenatal class was about the same age as me, and I have lots in common with some so have made some good friends from there. Our antenatal classes were excellent, we have baby groups and constant access to health visitors who actually know our children so there is continuity of care. The local breastfeeding service was also extremely good.
I realise that I am lucky with the area that I live in (then again we only had one scan at 18-20 weeks with no early ones so it's clearly how they allocate the budget) but do find out what is available for free first.

RE hubby at the birth
There is nothing to stop you having two birth partners - it may help to have hubby and another female friend. They will be less tired and can chose the bits they can cope with best, and they get a rest and can therefore support you better. Give hubby something to do (ie keep you topped up with food and drink if you are allowed) and a back up plan in case you don't want to be disturbed that much. My poor hubby came armed with enough food to feed a family of four for a week and was very nearly assaulted with some of it when things got tough.
On a similar note, my delivery ended up being assisted, and even though it was traumatic for both of us, hubby was made to feel involved without actually seeing everything. If it is extremely medical they will want him up the head end anyway.

jellyhead

i think we're allowed 2 people in the delivery room. when my sister had her first there were 3 of us there watching, but it was a quiet time so the staff allowed it. sis was in and out when i had my first too, they allowed in 2 at a time, my mum was there the whole time but other people took it in turns.
i'm expecting to only have hubby with me for this one but that's more for practical reasons, i'd rather people were concentrating on my 8 year old so my family will be looking after him. my friends are mostly male and childless so they'd be useless lol! my in laws might want to be there, it's their first biological grandchild and the only one they're likely to have. i want some privacy though, if it takes a day or so then i don't really need anyone with me while i spend hours grunting, screaming and slowly dilating.for the actual birth bit i'd also like privacy, hubby will understand that and shoo people out if needs be. i don't want anyone seeing me or the baby covered in blood and gunk or him being plonked onto my naked breast in front of visitors. i wasn't aware of much last time but i remember feeling uncomfortable about all the visitors while i was being examined and all that, it was a very medical birth and they'd even got my father in, i hadn't seen him for a couple of years but he'd been told i might die and there he was in the room while i was vomiting, crying etc. and i really wanted some privacy. i don't know why i'm so squeamish but hubby understands, i would hate for somebody else to be there while i vomited, let alone anything else. it's okay for hubby to be there the whole time, at the head end (mine, not the baby) but i'd prefer for other visitors to have only short visits lol! when my boy visits i want him to see a clean baby and for me to be clean and talking, i don't want his first view of the baby to be associated in his mind with blood and mess (he's REALLY squeamish) and me not paying enough attention to him.

also, if you have strong opinions on anything that's in your birth plan i think hubby might be the best person to put your views forward. other women can be very supportive but i have yet to meet a woman who didn't focus on her own birth experiences and what she preferred, rather than yours. on the odd occasion when birth plans have been mentioned and i've said i don't want the injection that speeds up placenta delivery i've had everyone lecturing me about it and insisting that it's not painful. i want what i want, not what another woman thinks i should have. i trust hubby to persuade them to let me try for a while without it, but obviously i'll have it if necessary. that's the only thing i'm thinking about birth plan wise, but other women have some strong views on what they want, pain control etc. and i think men are more likely to stick to what you've agreed together.

hubby will probably go to pieces and faint though :-)

Bun

Hi Jellyhead,
Sorry your first labour was so traumatic- I've read a lot of your posts and I hope it all goes more smoothly next time!You certainly deserve it.
You are of course quite right - it is extremely difficult for other women to step back from what they had/did. We had the only lady at our antenatal classes who had a child already hijack every topic of conversation, and when I ended up having the same delivery she had gone on and on about I lost it completely and I'm sure that made it worse. If you have an idea of what you want it definitely helps if you can stick to it as much as is possible. My friends and I have decided that we will not pass on horror stories or views on pain relief as it just isn't helpful. Although the end of my delivery was traumatic many parts of the labour were good, I was in control, and it helps to pass thosebits on.
I also agree with you on the hubby sticking to your birth plan thing. We had a birth plan (although I don't really agree with a lot of what she says the Miriam Stoppard one is a good base) that was flexible (just wanted an active birth if possible and no pethidine but anything else went if necessary, which ended up being the case) Also discussed all eventualities with hubby so he knew my wishes and then said that if I couldn't make a decision he was allowed to. Enough to get what I would have liked but wide enough to cover what needed to be done, and I was pleased with that.

Bun

Sorry, forgot to say, the two birth partners was really from a friend who had two in rotation, I think two is just a distraction you don't need in that situation, which you have illustrated perfectly.

jellyhead

2 in rotation could be good yep, knowing hubby he'll stay holding my hand the whole time and won't go to eat etc. when he needs to, a second birth partner could force him to have a break from my swearing and hostility (although i can't imagine swearing i'm told that's the usual way of things lol!). i don't expect this birth to be anything like the last one (thanks bun!) but i am affected by drugs, painkillers make me really sleepy etc. so if i'm in a drugged haze i probably wouldn't be bothered to talk so it would be nice to have hubby there to talk for me :-) i don't see the problem with me wanting to try and avoid the placenta jab, i don't have any health problems that would affect bleeding so there's no reason why i should have it, i wasn't impressed when my sister and her friends started spouting about it and criticising my choice, telling me it doesn't hurt - women can be so full of their own opinions lol! my mum or mum in law would probably be okay, they didn't have the choices we have now so they probably don't have opinions about what i'd put in my birth plan. mum in law used to be a nurse so she'd probably be quite calming to have around. mind you she gave me an antihistamine last week when the doctor wouldn't, maybe she'd argue with them lol!

nobody in my antenatal classes had had a baby before, i forgot to ask about classes, hubby would like them. i hope they let second timers in, if they do i promise not to tell anyone my horror stories lol!