Who's being unreasonable here?

Errata

Given the BF has already led little sister up the garden path by telling a porky about his savings and only admitted he'd 'forgotten' he'd spent all but £1k of them (the price of a two weeks holiday in the sun) when his back was against he wall, it would seem sensible to ensure a safety net is in place when he carries her over the threshold in case he drops her.

lostinrates

It seems to me only sensible that unmarried people have a written agreement when making big financial investments....however lovely both people involved are. worth having plans in case not only of break up, but redundancy leading to inability to pay share of bills, and long term ill health or even death. That should extend to protecting the different investments they put in too.

You hope of course, its never needed. It is a reasonable expectation (and one perhaps that should be considered mandatory even when no generous financial gift is involved.)

Danfuss

Totally agree with lostinrates.
You might find it useful to check the advice on Living Together advice now government website which explains the basic lack of legal protection people living together have when compared to married couples. It also recommends couples discuss and agree how they would deal with their finances and their respective possessions in the event that the relationship fails. There is a template cohabitation agreement available.
As far as protecting the relative contribution made to the purchase of the home is concerned, your sister would be well advised to seek independent (and separate) legal advice on how best to do this.
As other posters have already suggested, your sister is probably caught up in the romance of it all and the last thing she wants to consider is the likelihood of it breaking up, let alone the consequences.
What you have offered to do is both generous and in your sister’s very best interests.
Good luck.

Sammy_Girl

Personally, I think she is being very unreasonable and probably blinded by love. You are being very kind in gifting her £3k towards the deposit of her home, and she should be grateful. I would go see her and just try to explain that you have her and her boyfirend's best interests at heart, and that she shouldn't be confusing heart with head.

Fwiw, when we bought our house as first time buyers, DH and I were not married, not even engaged. He put up £10k of the deposit and I put up £20k, so not equal shares. We just had a simple "Tennants in Common" agreement drawn up by the conveyacing solicitor, so if we split and sold the house, we would both get our respective shares back. Obviously, now we're married so it doesn't matter.

She needs to understand that it is a serious financial transaction and not just a whim!

Good luck

pinkshoes

If your sister didn't like your terms and conditions, she shouldn't have agreed to accept the money, and should have bought a house without relying on it.

I think you should stand your ground on this, and don't be tempted to give in, just because she's left it too late.

bargainbetty

smartpicture wrote: »

I'm just very sad that trying to do a nice thing for someone I love has caused so much upset :(

Anyway - she sent me a text saying "Sorry x", so I'll probably just send an email explaining I was trying to protect her because I love her, then give her a call later and find a way to give her the money.

It is not your conduct that has caused this problem - you offered to help her with an investment, but under a specific condition. She agreed to it, but has now reneged on the deal. Her problem, not yours. You are perfectly within your rights to say that you are uncomfortable with giving him money without legal protection for her/you.

Find a way to give her the money that contains either the agreement you originally made, or call it a loan and have done with it, with a formalised repayment schedule. People fall out over money all the time, because there are not written agreements or contracts in place to ensure each person knows what is expected. You tried to avoid it. If she tries to avoid your request, don't give her the money.

Personally, unless she produces a signed agreement and you know the BF is aware of what is happening (why should he not be fully aware of the committment his GFs family are making) I would withdraw the offer and tell them to find another house when he has managed to save up that £4000 he 'forgot he had spent'.

Everyone needs to grow up sometime, and there will be another house out there for them later.

FatVonD

I would have done exactly the same as you, OP, (the world needs control freaks!) but I do agree your sis is probably just embarrassed to tell her BF.

conradmum

I would make up but not give in.

Is sis' boyfriend already aware of the condition and putting up a fuss? Is she being pressured from both sides? If he's objecting, that can only say that he isn't to be trusted. Your sister isn't imposing these restrictions, you are, so he can't be offended by any lack of trust. Why should you trust him? You aren't in love with him.

Neither he nor your sister has any right to object to strings attached to such a generous gift. It's your money - you decide what conditions are attached to it.

paddy's_mum

In these circumstances, I'd probably still give the money since the repercussions for the larger family may well be endless if sis loses her dream home, despite the fact that it's her own tardiness and lack of integrity that has caused the problem.

However, I cannot agree more strongly with Elvis's choice of word earlier in this thread that she is emphatically not entitled to the money (despite what she appears to believe) and her actions up to date, as well as her attitude, would make me swear to myself that I will never again give her the chance to make such big waves as this upset has done. My trust in her sense of honour would have been irreparably damaged.

I despair sometimes about where so many people learn this perpetual wail - 'it's not fair'!

BitterAndTwisted

I learned at a very early age to never, ever cry out "It's not fair!" within earshot of my father. He had a rather impolite and possibly un-PC retort to that. I can't even think it now without hearing his voice in answer.

Is "It's not fair" the same thing as an appalling sense of entitlement? Please don't get me started on that. *potential rant*