Who's being unreasonable here?

smartpicture

I've fallen out with my sister and now I've cooled down I'm wondering if I was the unreasonable one after all, so welcome any thoughts before I decide whether to grovel or not!

My sister is a lot, lot younger than me and just looking at buying her first house with her boyfriend. Several months ago, when she first mentioned this, I agreed that I would give her £3000 towards the deposit, so long as she put some sort of agreement in place with her boyfriend to protect herself if it went wrong (because she is putting in 90% of the deposit).

Today, she said she needed to hand the money over to the solicitor, so could I transfer the £3000. No problem, except when I asked whether the agreement with the boyfriend was in place, she said no, she'd decided not to do that after all. When I reminded her that was part of our deal, she lost her rag and said I was a bossy control-freak who had never liked her boyfriend and her relationship with him was her business. I said I agreed with that, but she had agreed the terms of the deal months ago and couldn't change them at the last second without telling me, that I was only trying to protect her, and that if I was handing over £3000 then it was my business. She then told me it was my fault they'll lose the house and I can stick my money where the sun doesn't shine and hung up.

So... any thoughts, good or bad please, because I'm really starting to feel guilty now.

shell_girl

Where you gifting the money to her or was it a loan?

busiscoming2

Had she told her boyfriend:
a) where the money was coming from and
b) the conditions surrounding it?

If not maybe she is/was embarrassed to tell him?

Tropez

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

As you say you are giving £3,000 (not lending) to your sister to help her pay for a deposit then you have a right, in my opinion, to ensure that the money is used wisely and protected. However, clearly your sister feels that this is some sort of slight on her relationship (have you given her any indication you dislike her boyfriend?) and is perhaps a suggestion on your part that things will go wrong. That is not to say how you feel but possibly if she is already stressed (and buying a house can be very stressful) that is how she is irrationally understanding the terms of the deal.

Personally, I think you need to sit down and discuss things over a coffee or something. Three grand is a lot of money to give to somebody and she needs to understand that you want to ensure the security of it and that it has nothing to do with disliking her boyfriend or believing her relationship won't last.

You're being more than fair offering her money in exchange for a relatively uncomplicated deal. It would be rather foolish of her to allow pride or insecurity to jeopardise that.

smartpicture

It was a gift.

She did ask for a loan of a larger amount originally, but I said that lending money can cause trouble between families (haha!) and also I didn't want them struggling financially to pay me back in the future as well as the mortgage etc so I'd rather give her an amount outright.

jackieglasgow

I kind of see where you are coming from, you love your sister and want to look after her interests; but if she thinks he is the man for her and doesn't need a "pre-nup" as it were, then its really not your business to interfere? A gift with conditions is no gift at all. Maybe you could have been a bit more diplomatic about it. How about you lend her the money and get to to sign something to the effect that if they split up and sell the property, the money should be returned to you, as a loan and explain to her that this protects her in the event they do split up, as you could claim the money back (even if your real intention is just to stop him getting it) On the other hand if your sister is old enough to get a mortgage she is old enough to make her own decisions about partners, and to save £3000 towards her deposit.

paddy's_mum

She is!

How it is stupid to want to protect your own kith, kin and money? I suspect that young love is blinding her and it ain't 'romantic' to bring up issues of trust and possible break-up.

However, if you wanted to give her boyfriend £3k, you could have done that for yourself months ago - why wait for the trouble to arise and then fork out loads more money in legal fees trying to keep your money within your family? In the same vein, would she find it a horrible aspect of your personality if you made a will so that what you own goes exactly where you want it to go ...?

pattycake

If someone was giving me £3K I would be extremely grateful not stroppy.

It probably feels like a gift with strings attached to your sister but I think your older and wiser head is correct to try to protect her from future upset.

pigpen

I may adopt you as my sister...

But as she wants you to uphold your end of the deal but is unwilling to uphold hers I think you are both probably being a little unreasonable and pig-headed (that is not a bad trait I am thoroughly guilty too)

Have you reminded her on 1000 occasions what your terms were? My sisters are much younger and would need that!

If those were your terms then she should have been made aware you were actually serious about it as she obviously didn't believe you..

In 10 minutes a thread will go up.. My sister promised £3000 and now won't pay..

I don't know what to suggest, but I think you and she need to sit down and neither be angry or hysterical but talk this one out.. you are trying to potect her investment maybe she is so wrapped up in the insanity of housebuying and new love she cannot see that.. but she is now scared she may lose her 'dream home' though I am sure a small clause in the contract stating she is paying X amount deposit is possible in a short space of time.

DVardysShadow

It is your money to start with, so whether you are giving it or lending it, if you have conditions, then they should be complied with. If they do lose the house, you should not feel guilty, provided you have explained your terms clearly.

Orrin

Don't feel guilty. She knew the terms of the offer and should have said no straight away if she wasn't happy. You've a right to give or lend under whatever conditions you like, just as she has a right not to accept them. It sounds like she wanted the money without the conditions attached and hoped that you'd let it go if she didn't say anything until the last minute.

Whether you were right to insist on the conditions in the first place is another issue, but personally I think it's a good idea. If they are unmarried and don't make any specific provision when buying the house then in the event of a split it would be divided 50/50 so she could lose out if she is putting in more for the deposit.