Who's being unreasonable here?

rachbc

YOu sound perfectly reasonable to me. Your sister shoud be very grateful for not only the gift but to have someone looking out for her

Mojisola

smartpicture wrote: »

My sister is a lot, lot younger than me and just looking at buying her first house with her boyfriend. Several months ago, when she first mentioned this, I agreed that I would give her £3000 towards the deposit, so long as she put some sort of agreement in place with her boyfriend to protect herself if it went wrong (because she is putting in 90% of the deposit).

If she didn't like these terms, she should have said so at the time. By not refusing your offer with the strings attached, she has, in practice, accepted them.

Pixiechic

I think that you are in the right here and standing your ground on the agreed conditions is fine. It is a lovely gift that you have offered and you are right to want to protect it. The deal seems pretty fair and straight forward to me, especially as she is putting in 90% of the deposit.
I am very close to my sister and I would understand those agreed conditions. I would be grateful beyond belief and go out of my way to uphold her terms. Afterall, you don't have to give her anything. The last thing you want is her to come crying to you if the romance ends and she doesn't have any cash left to show for it. We see many of those kinds of posts on here.

smartpicture

Tropez wrote: »

However, clearly your sister feels that this is some sort of slight on her relationship (have you given her any indication you dislike her boyfriend?) and is perhaps a suggestion on your part that things will go wrong.

I don't dislike her boyfriend at all, he's good company and we get on fine. However - I don't trust him financially. For example, when they first saw the mortgage broker, he said he had £5000 in savings, and the broker found them a deal based on that (together with her much larger savings). Then when he looked, he 'discovered' he only had £1000, and had 'forgotten' he had spent the rest. That's mostly why she asked me for a loan in the first place. He's nice, but he's very young and foolish, and yes, I do think things might go wrong.

jackieglasgow wrote: »

A gift with conditions is no gift at all.

That did make me feel bad reading that. But while I'm happy to gift £3000 to her, with no reservations, whether it works out or not - I'm certainly not happy to gift even half of that to some young lad I barely know, which is what could happen if they split up in a year or two.

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I suspect that young love is blinding her and it ain't 'romantic' to bring up issues of trust and possible break-up.

I think maybe you're right, and he's not even aware of the deal we made. I only spoke to her about it, and I didn't put precise conditions on what sort of agreement they had between them, precisely because I didn't want to appear as some sort of interfering bossy control-freak. I just wanted to make her think about what could happen and protect the money we'd both worked hard to save

barbiedoll

This is a difficult one. I can see your point about protecting her and her money, we see countless threads on these boards about people being ripped off after buying property together and I can understand that you want to give her the benefit of your financial wisdom, my sister is much younger than me and I'm always telling her to keep an eye on her money (her partner has a lot of debts)

On the other hand, if the money is a gift to help to pay for her first home, then, as long as she doesn't use it to buy a designer handbag, I don't see how you can expect to put other conditions on it's use. She IS using it for a deposit, if she trusts her boyfriend then she would be upset that you don't. (Despite what you may or may not think about him)

To be honest, if push came to shove, surely the solicitors documentation and copies of bank statements, cheques and so on, should be enough proof that she has paid the majority of the deposit. Make sure that she gets copies of the relevant documents and that she keeps them safe, keep them for her if you have to.

Then do a bit of grovelling (otherwise you'll miss out on the housewarming party!) and let her make her own mistakes. It's the only way she will learn and if it all goes horribly wrong, don't give her any more money!

Tropez

smartpicture wrote: »

I don't dislike her boyfriend at all, he's good company and we get on fine. However - I don't trust him financially. For example, when they first saw the mortgage broker, he said he had £5000 in savings, and the broker found them a deal based on that (together with her much larger savings). Then when he looked, he 'discovered' he only had £1000, and had 'forgotten' he had spent the rest. That's mostly why she asked me for a loan in the first place. He's nice, but he's very young and foolish, and yes, I do think things might go wrong.

Well, on the bright side, at least he has some savings! I know plenty of my friends who are all around my age (27) with zip in the bank and broke before their next payday. :rotfl:

It is always going to be a bit difficult to apply a condition to what is essentially a favour, especially when it relates to something so emotional. It is hard to imagine the "what if it goes wrong" scenario sometimes, more so perhaps when they're about to do something that rubber stamps their relationship as being solid. I suppose it is just finding a way to make her realise that you want everyone concerned to be protected so that they can begin their life together without any hassle.

photome

I think you are in the wrong.

A gift should be just that..a gift with no strings attached.

If it was a loan I would say you were in the right.

Has anyone ever given you a gift with strings attached?

tsstss7

I don't think you are being unreasonable - you want to give the money to her. If no conditions are attached and no documents drawn up to say so too then you are effectively giving the boyfriend half of that (well slightly less if you say he is putting up 10% of the deposit). It can't be that hard for her to say to her Boyfriend that you won't loan the money unless certain condiotions are adhered to.

paddy's_mum

Deleted - too easy for what was meant to be a joke to be misinterpreted.

Tish_P

I think she is being unreasonable - however, buying a house is so stressful I'd cut her some slack for losing her temper. Especially buying for the first time.

Maybe you could call her (or email if it makes it easier to write things down, where you can read over your words) and explain that you like her boyfriend but don't know him very well as yet, and while you are looking forward to getting to know him better, right now you would prefer to make your gift to her as an individual, and not to them both as a couple, as you explained before.

Then leave the ball in her court. If she needs the money, she may have to swallow her pride and make the agreement with her chap, and if you want her to do that she'll probably need a way to take her words back without losing face.