Bizzare situation - Moving in with partner

FBaby

I really am in twofolds on this one. One one hand, I agree that it shouldn't be for tax payers to contribute towards the OP partner's children if they are going to be together, at the same time, I sympathise with the OP. These children are not his and as such he shouldn't be financially responsible for them. What he owes them by moving in with them is respect, not support. That's the responsibility of their mum and dad.

Saying that, here is a mum who is not taking benefits for granted. She is working full-time, something that few single parents with two young children do, so she should be applauded for her contribution. The tax credits she receives are probably mainly for her childcare costs and it seems unfair that by moving with her partner, it should become his costs. What is likely to happen is that if they move in together she will stop working and they will then claim CTC as a couple because they will be better off then than if she continues to work and pay for full-time childcare.

Of course, it wouldn't be right that the childcare element of WTC should continue to be awarded when a single mum moves in with a partner regardless of his income when this would not be the case in family where mum and dad are together.

If single parent's WTC were to be reduced to pay for childcare (which is what is happening I believe), even more single parents would be reluctant to go back to work.

The only solution I see is for them to remain in separate household until both children are out of nursery and she is entitled to WTC any longer (but no huge childcare costs any longer) and then they wouldn't be drastically worse off moving in together.

FBaby

zoesmummy_2006 wrote: »

Thats the attitude that scares me when it comes to blokes. In a single mum, my husband ran off with another woman and then went from her to another girl in 2 days. Theyre now having a baby-despite the fact that he pleads poverty when i ask for money towards his 2 kids he had with me. Actually had the nerve to say to me that this new baby wasnt what he wanted! Muppet, told him hes got 2 kids, he knows how not to get pg! Im now divorcing him and have submitted csa claim. But since he left sept 2009 ive been single cos im terrified of starting seeing someone, only for them to run when they find out i have kids. They will always come first with me (unlike daddy who would rather see gf than kids when he first got with her) and its slim pickings bloke wise anyway from the few times ive been out, never mind finding a bloke who wouldmt mind me having 2 kids!

I was on my own for 5 years after my ex and I separated. My kids were 18 months and 3 years old when we did. One thing that never set me back when dating was the fact I had children. Of course some men were not interested but most were ok with it, including those who themselves had children. I met my partner over 2 years ago. He was married and divorced but never had children. He was never put off by me having children -despite a bad experience with a previous girlfriend's daughter-. We have now moved in together and everything is going great. I do take the attitude that he is not responsible for them. They are my children and their dad, even though like your ex husband, he doesn't contribute a penny and decided to have another child with his partner... I am fortunate to hold a decent job and I can contribute towards them on my own. It's not that my partner considers he doesn't have to, but I don't think it would be right for me to expect it just because he has taken the three of us. Don't loose faith, there are some lovely and responsible men out there who don't run a mile away at the idea of children.

bundly

I cannot believe the first few responses to the OP. I hope he ignores them. There are a lot of moralistic people on here who love to attack other people's life choices.

I live apart from my partner of 7 years, and my sister has done the same for about 15 years (neither of us for "DSS" reasons.)

Get yourself a nice little bedsit near to your girlfriend and take her out on dates. You can think about living together when all her kids are grown up and self supporting.

seven-day-weekend

I don't think I would want to 'stump up' for someone else'd kids either. But in those circumstances I would not have a relationship with someone with kids. I agree that they are a package, you can't (nor shouldn't) move into her house and not be prepared to take on the whole family.

If you feel that strongly about it, then you should not have a relationship with someone with children.

As for the financial bit, why should she keep Benefits if your salary is coming into the household? Again, if you are going to be a family, then between you you should support that family. If you don't want to, then don't take on a family.

custardy

bundly wrote: »

I cannot believe the first few responses to the OP. I hope he ignores them. There are a lot of moralistic people on here who love to attack other people's life choices.

I live apart from my partner of 7 years, and my sister has done the same for about 15 years (neither of us for "DSS" reasons.)

Get yourself a nice little bedsit near to your girlfriend and take her out on dates. You can think about living together when all her kids are grown up and self supporting.

nobody is saying he has to move in
he is the one who is stating he wants to move,but retain his salary and the tax payer pay another £1K+ every month

elisebutt65

Nuclear_Tom wrote: »

Hi

I live apart from my girlfriend (60 miles!), but due to me getting a new job closer to where she lives are looking at moving in together.

I currently live with my parents, and will be earning circa £32k.

She lives in a Council house, and works 36 hours on minimum wage. She receives £230 a week (£997 a month) in working families tax credits, £395 a month in housing benefit, and £80 a month in council tax credit.

Looking at the various calculators, if I move in with her she stands to lose the lot, i.e. about £1500 a month. I'll be taking home about £1800 a month, so in reality if we move in together I'll have a whopping £300 a month after I've made up what she'll lose.


Am I right with this or have I made a glaring error? Are we going to be better off if I just rent a flat closer to where she lives?

This situation seems bonkers!!!

Any help/advice appreciated, cheers.

Those sums don't make sense? I'm on similar money - just over £200 a week and I only get £6/wk HB, no CTB, £190 WTC for a 3 bed council house + kids. Entitled to shows me that I could possibly get another fiver more HB, but not too bothered about that.

How the heck is she getting that amount of HB & CTB?

Torry_Quine

The thing that struck me is that he describes her as his partner. The fact that up till now they haven't even lived together and now they are thinking about it he objects to being fully supportive of her doesn't really suggest a partnership as I would recognise it.

jennikitten

SHIPSHAPE wrote: »

You've got a bloody cheek!

Why should the tax payer stump up the cash then? While you flounce around with your 32k.

But he is the tax payer

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I don't think I would want to 'stump up' for someone else'd kids either. But in those circumstances I would not have a relationship with someone with kids.

I agree. But I've been in the situation where I was expected to fund my boyfriend's living costs because he was unemployed. He couldn't claim any housing benefits because we were living together (even though we lived in a shared house with other people, we had separate bedrooms, and we don't have kids). I don't think that's fair either.

eyeinthesky

Gotta say I'm with the "comes as a package" camp. How can you discriminate against someone's children?

A long, long time ago, ( when the dead sea was only reporting sick, lol ) I met a gorgeous girl in a pub on a night out. Together with her friend and mine, we went on to a club and danced the night away. I was on a course, 700 miles from home, but I wanted to see her again, so I asked when that would be possible. She made me wait a few days, but I was over the moon that she agreed to see me again, I could hardly wait!

The day came at last, and we met up again, it was delicious! I found out that day that she had a child, a little boy around 3 years old. I was a little surprised, but it did not put me off in the slightest. We saw each other a few more times, and I met her little boy too. It was all wonderful!

My course ended, and I had to return home, but we kept in touch. A few weeks later, I had another course to attend, about 250 miles away from her, which meant I could travel to see her on the weekends. The course was about 5 weeks long, so I spent all my weekends staying with a friend of hers, so we could see each other as often as possible. Before I had to leave for the final time, I asked this gorgeous girl to be my wife, and she said yes! I was over the moon!

Some time later, I had holiday from work, and flew to be with her and bring her home with me for a holiday, and to meet my family. They all loved her too, and her little boy.

We had met in January and were married in December, and her little boy became my little boy too! They were a family, so I never gave it a second thought, and now we were a family too. I knew that we would not be well off financially, but I only cared that we would be together.

My new wife had been receiving benefits before we married, and also child maintenance ordered by court. The benefits stopped of course, I wouldn't have had it any other way, but the maintenance continued. I was not happy about this situation, and did not want my new wife to accept any money from her ex. He was only paying under duress anyway, so we started the process of me adopting her son, and the father jumped at the chance of not paying any more.

So, now we were a proper family, and I loved every minute! We were not well off, we struggled like many others, but we managed and we were happy. I treated her son as my own from the start, so the adoption made no difference whatsoever. A few years later, we had our daughter, and this made our lives complete. We had a boy and a girl, and our family was more than perfect!

Fast forward to when my son was 25 years old, and married for about 2 months, when he came home to tell us he had cancer. He fought this disease bravely, so bravely it humbled me, for about 7 months before he died. We were devastated, and from the day he told us, I spiralled into the depths of depression. I had lots of time off work, and was on anti depressants. I couldn't really function well, and to my shame, was probably not supportive enough for my wife. She had to cope with knowing that her son was probably going to die, and that I was not helping, being like a zombie and crying when I thought she couldn't hear. I used to talk to God, when I was walking the dog or any time I was alone. I always asked Him to take me and spare my son. I would have happily traded places with him, taken on his illness, this was what I prayed for every night.

My daughter has now gifted us 2 gorgeous granddaughters, and my world has been enriched beyond imagination.

Would I do it all again? in a heartbeat! What one thing would I change? that our son was still with us! I was not his biological father, but I was his father in every way that counts. I married the mother, but I took on a family, for better or worse. I have never regretted that for an instant! I went from being a single man with some spare cash, to a man with responsibilities, but with more real wealth than I ever imagined. Not money, I still don't have much of that, but I am rich beyond my wildest dreams!

meds12_2

eyeinthesky - you made me cry with your beautiful post. I'm so sorry about your tragic loss.

OP, the reason that your "partner" gets so much in benefits is that without them, on her own with children, and working only 30-40hours minimum wage, she would not be able to afford to adequately feed and shelter her children, or pay for childcare. This money is a safety net to stop her children from starving or going homeless. I'm not sure why you cannot see why it's obvious that your partner cannot continue to claim full single-parent benefits when you move in? She won't be a single parent, will she?

I have at times thought that it's a little unfair that single parents I know, with children, on benefits, get more monthly income than I do from working 40 hours per week - when you take rent / CT etc into account (and I work hard for my pay, and then pay for childcare on top, of tax, CT, travel to work costs etc). My first year of work after my daughter was born, I was working full time and taking home less than £100 per week - in a professional post, once working costs had been taken into account. But then I realise that I am just being petty, as I have a partner that works, and I know that single parents (and low income households) do need the extra financial support as the cost of living in this country makes it impossible for a low income parent to support a child alone.

£300 per month doesn't seem like a lot, but as others have said, as children get older, childcare costs go down. Perhaps, if you move in, your partner could work evenings and nights instead of days (if it is indeed the childcare WTC's that you would be losing) so she could look after the children in the day and you could watch them at night?