How can someone be so nasty?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

londoner1998 wrote: »

Not only I am at risk of losing my job, I also have to listen to OH say 'and you are surprised they don't want you in you department'. Or something like that, because I didn't hear the whole thing.
...He started helping me, but when I repeated what I needed, he started to get all offended that I 'didn't like' his ideas and started to accuse me of not having any. I said there is no need to be precious about it, ... I don't know why he has to be so spiteful. All I am doing is trying to find a new job, keep my existing one if possible and get on with my studies, And the talks to me like this, out of the blue...

londoner1998 wrote: »

...Hitting below the belt like this is nasty. My confidence is low enough as is, I don not to need this kind of treatment. It is vicious, it is meant to hurt and it does. I am not one for holding grudges, ...If he can't get beyond his own insecurities right now, ...
God know what is going on on the other side with his daughter and his ex... but I don't deserve to be dumped with it in cryptic ways when I have more than enough on my plate.

Has it occurred to you that he is at the end of his tether with you? You describe yourself as a bloody dog. You're not a pack leader, you're a human being, and if you have that attitude, perhaps he feels that you regard him as beneath you?

All the way through your posts, there are lots of comments suggesting that he doesn't know what he's doing, that he's incapable of responsibility, he is only being mean to you because someone else has done something to him, it couldn't possibly be your fault, he has to know exactly how you feel about everything, he's just a creative type, whereas you are a leader...

Plenty of people study and work at the same time. It's called the Open University. So 'people' do understand what it's like.

It could be that you respond to suggestions that do not fit in with your opinions by going on the attack. It certainly sounds like it in these posts. When looking for people to make redundant, an employer will sometimes look past the Apprentice-style twits who talk about hierarchy and other such tree-p***ing exercises and choose to retain the people who are able to interact with others without belittling them.

So he could have a point there, that they kept someone able to accept suggestions, work as part of a team (rather than taking over as they are 'the alpha') and not respond to criticism with tears, tantrums, threats and general histrionics.

If your job is so important to you, and looking for another job takes all day sitting at home (doesn't his daughter like you?), and your yoga is so important to you, and your other problems are so important to you, and your studies are so important to you...where exactly does he fit into all of this?


Obviously nowhere, as it seems that as soon as he loses the submissive role you portray him as taking, you order him around and tell him you will leave him. You may as well say 'Bad Dog!' and sent him out to his kennel.



Being a musician is not the same as being a infantilised sap. It requires negotiation, reading non verbal cues, communicating through eye contact, following someone else's lead. You give the impression of the 'I'm the lead singer, so I'm the star so I know exactly what we are going to do and you all just have to stand at the back and do as you're told', which doesn't go down well with the rhythm section, but is usually tolerated in the interests of the music until it isn't fun anymore.

londoner1998

elvis86 wrote: »

OP, you sound like a nightmare and should count yourself lucky to have an OH who will tolerate you.

You must've just spent a couple of hours here wallowing in self-pity and stressing how 100% right you are and how 100% wrong your OH is. You could've done something more productive, like catching up on your sleep/working on your application/speaking to your OH.

If he's that bad - quit telling strangers online and just finish with him. Do him a favour, by the sounds of it!

Wow, Elvis... your are entitled to your opinion, and I respect it. But you don't know me at all, so I don't know how you can say I should count myself lucky that my OH tolerates me. I was having a hard time and came here to vent and listen to advice from people that would have an more impartial view of the situation, aware that I have been tired and stressed, forgive me for that. There was some very good advice in here and I listened to those who said i should talk even though it might not have been what I wante dto listen to when I first posted.

By the way, I have done all those things- finished and submitted my application, spoke to my OH and made ammends and yes, also caught up on my sleep. I think you will also notice, if you read the thread (which I am not asking yo to do, that's up to you) that I have thanked people for thier advice and made an effort to talk to my OH and listen to what he had to say, as well as explaining to him why I was so upset.
You are free to air your opinions but I think you if are going to be so angry and offended about other people asking for help, you might not want to read at all, let alone reply. You could also do other 'more productive' things.There are quite a few posts of people feeling down/lonely or having trouble at home. I don't know what it is about mine that sets you off in that way.

One thing I am grateful for and that is to be well enough not to be affected by your harsh and judgemental post. Others having a toughted time might not be so lucky.

Thank you those who posted with genuine advice and concern, it did help me to regan perspective.

Ax

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

londoner1998 wrote: »

Wow, Elvis... your are entitled to your opinion, and I respect it. But you don't know me at all, so I don't know how you can say I should count myself lucky that my OH tolerates me. I was having a hard time and came here to vent and listen to advice from people that would have an more impartial view of the situation, aware that I have been tired and stressed, forgive me for that. There was some very good advice in here and I listened to those who said i should talk even though it might not have been what I wante dto listen to when I first posted.

By the way, I have done all those things- finished and submitted my application, spoke to my OH and made ammends and yes, also caught up on my sleep. I think you will also notice, if you read the thread (which I am not asking yo to do, that's up to you) that I have thanked people for thier advice and made an effort to talk to my OH and listen to what he had to say, as well as explaining to him why I was so upset.
You are free to air your opinions but I think you if are going to be so angry and offended about other people asking for help, you might not want to read at all, let alone reply. You could also do other 'more productive' things.There are quite a few posts of people feeling down/lonely or having trouble at home. I don't know what it is about mine that sets you off in that way.

One thing I am grateful for and that is to be well enough not to be affected by your harsh and judgemental post. Others having a toughted time might not be so lucky.

Thank you those who posted with genuine advice and concern, it did help me to regan perspective.

Ax

Quod Erat Demonstrandum.


Any criticism is instantly met with attack.

elvis86

I think JoJo summed it up far more eloquently than I could. You sound like you have a really bad attitude, are very self-pitying and brilliant at recognising all the "problems" you have in your own life but incapable if making allowances for anyone else (ie your OH, who, for all you knew, could've just returned from a stressful day himself with his ex and DD).

It all sounds a little abusive to me, to be honest. If the shoe were on the other foot and he treated you the way you describe having treated him, people on here would be declaring you a victim of domestic violence. But presumably because he's a man, he's expected to put up with your violent mood swings and emotional abuse because your "issues" legitimise your behaviour towards him..?

floss2

londoner1998 wrote: »

....But you don't know me at all.....

But we do know what you have chosen to tell us.

nad1611

londoner1998 wrote: »

The below the belt remarks happened a few times when we were not getting on well at all. I had a lot of trauma to get over with and spent three years having counselling (wich I must say turn me inside out) and when we had an argument and he didn't know what else to say he would go for it' yeah and you pay 50 quid for someone to tell you what you want to listen to' or 'but you have never been happy, you don't know how to be happy'. Now, he is a lovely man, but not the most emotionally articulate. I picked up a very strange vibe from home as he came in. We have worked together before and this has happened- he just doesn't like to be told 'this doesn't work'. But to start attacking me saying I have no ideas and that it is no surprise they are getting rid of me it is not only unfair, but in the circumstances, vicious. I am also doing a Masters degree and since I heard that my job is at risk ten days ago I am really struggling. I know it is not his fault, but I don't think people can understand how hard it is to work and study at the same time, let aline trying to find a new job too.
It is not his fault, but if he can't see that those remarks are cruel, well... I am really, really upset about this. He knows what he has done, yet he will not apologise. He started to come up with suggestions for my work ten minutes after, but by then I was just not in the mood . I am still very upset and I don;t want to even see him. When the selfish side comes out, it is not pretty.

And here I was thinking we were doing really really well...why does he need to turn against me when I need him most?
I'm out for a yoga class for the whole morning and this afternoon I will finish the application... I don;t even want to see him.

Thank you all- I am just feeling very low and lonely these days...I had been warning him this might come since October but he dismissed it saying I was very 'safe' in my job...

Ax

Wow some people are really harsh, you came on here for bit of advice and look what you get!!
Anyway,you know people are complex things, as another person has said you don't know how he was feeling and perhaps he's actually feeling worried too about you losing your job.
My husband will sometimes says things which can be upsetting but I know and he knows he doesn't mean them. A lot of it is because he's feeling a certain way and the only way to vent is to say something nasty. Or he's just not sure what to say or do, to make things right. He rarely feels good about it and always feels bad and apologises for it.

Does he depend on you quite a bit for support, if he does then as said it could be that he is feeling worried about you losing your job and not feeling up to the job of being able to support you as well as you support him, which could be making him feel inadequate. It could be anything.

The main things is he doesn't sound like a mean person and sounds like someone you can talk to. As he's already apologised it may be something you have to accept for all the other days when he does get it right.Good luck with the job by the way.

January20

Tropez wrote: »

You must have posted this as I was writing my reply.

It isn't my place to tell anyone what to do with their relationship but based on these comments I think you're in your right to question whether it is worth bothering with.

Being upset because of losing your job is perfectly natural especially in the current climate and if he fails to understand that then frankly he's living in la-la-land.

He doesn't sound very supportive, or dependable and I can't say I believe it would be conducive to your emotional wellbeing to be made to feel that way on a regular basis.

I think the fact you're considering the relationship speaks for itself - and per my previous post - it depends on whether you want the relationship now or not. If you do, then he needs to work to be what you need.

I agree with most of the above and would like to add that it's worrying me that he is attacking what helps you/ matters to you: counselling sessions, yoga lessons, etc. like he is trying to keep you down, lacking self confidence?

londoner1998

nad1611 wrote: »

Wow some people are really harsh, you came on here for bit of advice and look what you get!!
Anyway,you know people are complex things, as another person has said you don't know how he was feeling and perhaps he's actually feeling worried too about you losing your job.
My husband will sometimes says things which can be upsetting but I know and he knows he doesn't mean them. A lot of it is because he's feeling a certain way and the only way to vent is to say something nasty. Or he's just not sure what to say or do, to make things right. He rarely feels good about it and always feels bad and apologises for it.

Does he depend on you quite a bit for support, if he does then as said it could be that he is feeling worried about you losing your job and not feeling up to the job of being able to support you as well as you support him, which could be making him feel inadequate. It could be anything.

The main things is he doesn't sound like a mean person and sounds like someone you can talk to. As he's already apologised it may be something you have to accept for all the other days when he does get it right.Good luck with the job by the way.

Yes,people are complex and I have been mega stressed and it turns out he was worried too. We went for coffee after work and he told me how sorry he was. I apologised if I came across too bossy, but really needed to finish the application. He said he should have never said what he said: he admitted surprise and shock at the threat of redundancies and said he didn't know how he would react if he were in my situation. He also said he felt awful about 'pushing my buttons' (ie, yoga). It turned out that he was a bit distracted as he went for a job interview on Thursday but didn't know whether it would be a good decision to accept it our not, as the hours are criminal and involves working most weekends.
I am really pleased I followed one posted advice (Tropez? ) and decided to talk to him instead of waiting.
Although my initial post was written in anger and in avery upset frame of mind, I agree some people have over stepped the mark- I don't think that to call somebody a 'bloody dog' helps in any way. Suddenly my whole relationship came up for scrutiny, when all I did was to write about a particular situation that upset me. It is an open forum so I guess we get exposed to that when we write here.

I have also learnt that it is very easy to take things out of context- to say that my OH is not important to me, is simply not true. He is the most important person in my life, but I also have a real passion for my job, yoga and many other things. But it seems some people take a real passion in poster-bashing.

Yes people can be harsh and perhaps some of us need to be careful- some posters have been very helpful (even when initially I might not have agreed with or liked their advice ). Some others could have really upset somebody in a more fragile state than mine - and I am saying this as someone who used to self-harm a a long time ago.

londoner1998

GEEGEE8 wrote: »

My OH can be the most uncaring pig when he's in a mood and he has said things that have really hurt my feelings before, so I know how you feel.

On the other hand, I'm overly sensitive to criticism and find it hard to forgive and forget.

This seems to be a recipe for disaster and we keep having stupid rows over nothing.

Sometimes I wonder if he does it for attention, pushes me away to see if I will come back to him? He is very insecure.

I've decided to stop worrying about what he says so much, and try to be happy and healthy in myself. If he wants to be grouchy and put me down over something then he can, I just won't react to it. I'll tell him he is being mean/nasty/ignorant or whatever and then going to go and do something else away from him.

You are so right, being healthy in yourself allows you to cope better with whatever comes your way. I should have chosen my time better on Saturday night, I know that now...

londoner1998

January20 wrote: »

I agree with most of the above and would like to add that it's worrying me that he is attacking what helps you/ matters to you: counselling sessions, yoga lessons, etc. like he is trying to keep you down, lacking self confidence?

I think the couple of times he has done this, it was to get a reaction more than anything else. He is always very supportive of anything I do. That is one of the things that has never faltered...cofidence isn't his strongest point, but we bolster up each other...