How can someone be so nasty?

londoner1998

Not only I am at risk of losing my job, I also have to listen to OH say 'and you are surprised they don't want you in you department'. Or something like that, because I didn't hear the whole thing.

I am preparing an application form and I asked him for a bit of brainstorming help with some extra work I have to write for the application. He came in from seeing his daughter, while I have been home all day doing this. He started helping me, but when I repeated what I needed, he started to get all offended that I 'didn't like' his ideas and started to accuse me of not having any. I said there is no need to be precious about it, it is not about him, I am just asking for a bit of help because my brain is fried. The he dropped the bomb- ' ... that's why they don't want you in your department'. I tried to pretend it didn't matter what he said, but I am in floods tears- last thing I need is to be made feel like this. He has been wonderful lately, really really supportive but he couldn't help himself. Talk about kicking somebody when they are down. I know he probably regrets it already but the damage is done. I don't know why he has to be so spiteful. All I am doing is trying to find a new job, keep my existing one if possible and get on with my studies, And the talks to me like this, out of the blue...

I feel awful.

Plans_all_plans

We all have bad days sometimes and maybe he had been having one. We all also say things we didn't really mean, just to get at someone. You are under a lot of stress and these things will be amplified for you at the moment.

In your situation, I'd speak to him and say that you appreciated him trying to help, that you didn't mean to seem like you were getting at him but that you'd appreciate it if he'd apologise because you are hurt at his comments.

londoner1998

He has done this before, a long time ago, but I certainly didn't expect it now. Hitting below the belt like this is nasty. My confidence is low enough as is, I don not to need this kind of treatment. It is vicious, it is meant to hurt and it does. I am not one for holding grudges, but he know how hard this is being for me (I haven't slept for ten days now and I am putting a lot of hours trying to move forward) so I don;t think I am the one that needs to do the apologizing. I know I am a bit of an alphe female, but I dont; think I have to apologise for trying to do things right.If he can't get beyond his own insecurities right now, I don't need this. It is hard enough without being told I am not wanted... I already know that.
God know what is going on on the other side with his daughter and his ex... but I don't deserve to be dumped with it in cryptic ways when I have more than enough on my plate.

balletshoes

at what point in the conversation did he say "and you wonder why they don't want you". was it just after you'd told him that what you needed from him with the brainstorm you hadn't got (i'm guessing this is what he heard when you repeated what you needed and then told him it wasn't about him).
it sounds to me like you were both a bit fraught in this discussion, and while he certainly could have picked his timing loads better, if he's only given you an off-the-cuff remark which has hurt you twice in the entire time you've been together, I don't think you're doing that badly, realistically.
Could it be that he was in fix-it mode, you know, find the solution without considering emotions - men do tend to do that more than us women (and I know I'm generalising, and that not all men do, and some women might too).

I guess how he deals with it now is what matters - ie if you've told him you feel he's been very unsupportive with his comment and its really hurt you, will he apologise sincerely and take it on board?

Maybe you need to take a break from your paperwork too for a little while, blow away the cobwebs and come back to it with a fresh pair of eyes. Sounds like trying to rest a bit might help you too.

londoner1998

The below the belt remarks happened a few times when we were not getting on well at all. I had a lot of trauma to get over with and spent three years having counselling (wich I must say turn me inside out) and when we had an argument and he didn't know what else to say he would go for it' yeah and you pay 50 quid for someone to tell you what you want to listen to' or 'but you have never been happy, you don't know how to be happy'. Now, he is a lovely man, but not the most emotionally articulate. I picked up a very strange vibe from home as he came in. We have worked together before and this has happened- he just doesn't like to be told 'this doesn't work'. But to start attacking me saying I have no ideas and that it is no surprise they are getting rid of me it is not only unfair, but in the circumstances, vicious. I am also doing a Masters degree and since I heard that my job is at risk ten days ago I am really struggling. I know it is not his fault, but I don't think people can understand how hard it is to work and study at the same time, let aline trying to find a new job too.
It is not his fault, but if he can't see that those remarks are cruel, well... I am really, really upset about this. He knows what he has done, yet he will not apologise. He started to come up with suggestions for my work ten minutes after, but by then I was just not in the mood . I am still very upset and I don;t want to even see him. When the selfish side comes out, it is not pretty.

And here I was thinking we were doing really really well...why does he need to turn against me when I need him most?
I'm out for a yoga class for the whole morning and this afternoon I will finish the application... I don;t even want to see him.

Thank you all- I am just feeling very low and lonely these days...I had been warning him this might come since October but he dismissed it saying I was very 'safe' in my job...

Ax

floss2

londoner1998 wrote: »

He has done this before, a long time ago, but I certainly didn't expect it now. Hitting below the belt like this is nasty. My confidence is low enough as is, I don not to need this kind of treatment. It is vicious, it is meant to hurt and it does. I am not one for holding grudges, but he know how hard this is being for me (I haven't slept for ten days now and I am putting a lot of hours trying to move forward) so I don;t think I am the one that needs to do the apologizing. I know I am a bit of an alphe female, but I dont; think I have to apologise for trying to do things right.If he can't get beyond his own insecurities right now, I don't need this. It is hard enough without being told I am not wanted... I already know that.
God know what is going on on the other side with his daughter and his ex... but I don't deserve to be dumped with it in cryptic ways when I have more than enough on my plate.

You don't know what sort of day he had just had with his daughter, you asked him to help as soon as he came through the door, and you then rejected what he was saying (with fresh eyes, not those that have been working on it all day) and you expect to be suddled & cossestted because you are losing your job & you feel he won't help you?

Sorry, but I think as others have said, you need to take yourself away from it and try to relax. Your OH may well be worried about how you are you pay your bills without your salary.....there is no guarantee that you will get another job straight way, no matter how hard you try.

I don't think your OH meant anything by his comments, I think you took his comments (you actually admitted you only partially heard) out of context and you were probably both not in the right frame of mind to tackle an application form at that time.

londonsurrey

Generally, males approach things in a different way from females. For the most part, when told of a problem, a male's reaction is to suggest solutions. That's it. Question, answer. Whether you like the answer or not is not his problem.

Females have an unwritten code that when someone tells you of a problem, you help them, but are also sympathetic, hold their hand, are nice to them. This is civilised, caring, the natural and proper mode of behaviour.

The most productive thing I can think of is not to expect anything other than a straight answer from him any time you ask him a question.

I'm not unsympathetic - I'd hate to be having someone like him as my potential handholder in the next time I wanted my hand held, so I suppose that the answer is NOT to expect him to be a handholder, so I wouldn't feel slapped in the face the next time I was feeling low, and reaching out for someone.

DVardysShadow

londonsurrey wrote: »

Generally, males approach things in a different way from females. For the most part, when told of a problem, a male's reaction is to suggest solutions. That's it. Question, answer. Whether you like the answer or not is not his problem.

Females have an unwritten code that when someone tells you of a problem, you help them, but are also sympathetic, hold their hand, are nice to them. This is civilised, caring, the natural and proper mode of behaviour.

The most productive thing I can think of is not to expect anything other than a straight answer from him any time you ask him a question.

I'm not unsympathetic - I'd hate to be having someone like him as my potential handholder in the next time I wanted my hand held, so I suppose that the answer is NOT to expect him to be a handholder, so I wouldn't feel slapped in the face the next time I was feeling low, and reaching out for someone.

I would agree with this, but there is a little more to be said. If you want the answer to a question, ask a question. If you want your hand held, ask to have your hand held. Blokes deal with what comes in their ears, not with what they think is in the other person's head, because generally we have no idea. Where there is a mismatch between what is in your head and what a bloke hears, he will be lost. Over the long term, he may stop listening, or, as in this case, he may have half a go at sizing up the picture, with bad results.

poet123

I dont wish to offend but the differences between the sexes mean sometimes we women "hear" a different nuance and depth to a comment to that which a man intended to make. Also, in my experience those who have been exposed to counselling, either being counselled or being the counsellor, have a tendency to dissect everything a little too much, certainly if it is something man has said.

Men rarely have a deep agenda, and he was probably just exasperated tht you were not taking his ideas onboard. It sounds to me like you have enough to think about at the moment without looking for more by being a bit touchy, let it go, tell him he upset you and then move forward.

Errata

(I haven't slept for ten days now and I am putting a lot of hours trying to move forward)

If you've gone without sleep for that length of time your judgement will be seriously flawed. Get some sleep and tackle the problem when you're refreshed and able to think properly.

ali-t

londoner1998 wrote: »

He has done this before, a long time ago, but I certainly didn't expect it now. Hitting below the belt like this is nasty. My confidence is low enough as is, I don not to need this kind of treatment. It is vicious, it is meant to hurt and it does. I am not one for holding grudges, but he know how hard this is being for me (I haven't slept for ten days now and I am putting a lot of hours trying to move forward) so I don;t think I am the one that needs to do the apologizing. I know I am a bit of an alphe female, but I dont; think I have to apologise for trying to do things right.If he can't get beyond his own insecurities right now, I don't need this. It is hard enough without being told I am not wanted... I already know that.
God know what is going on on the other side with his daughter and his ex... but I don't deserve to be dumped with it in cryptic ways when I have more than enough on my plate.

You sound like hard work!

You are assuming in the post above that he meant to hurt you and that he should know how difficult it is for you but your final sentence in the post above is that you don't want his issues to deal with and don't even know what his issues are.

Take a step away from everything, chill out and go back to the application in a couple of days. A good friend of mine says that tasks like that (applications, essays, reports etc) are 90% inspiration and 10% perspiration. I never get the inspiration when I am sitting trying to work on it but rather it comes when I am out walking, cleaning the house or doing something else totally unrelated.

Good luck and I hope you get a new job sorted soon.