How can someone be so nasty?

Tropez

londoner1998 wrote: »

I NEED SUPPORT- why does it have to be ME , always me having to do the talking?


I'm sorry, I am really upset- I just feel that he has betrayed me by going for the cheap, nasty 'kick'em when they are down' strategy and thinks I should be the one trying to make ammends. Right now I wish he were not here and had gone away for good

What I would say here is that if you don't talk about it with him then you reinforce his behaviour - ie. if he angers or upsets you then he can simply stay quiet for a while and all will be forgotten.

It might sound wrong but if you're upset then it is up to you to bring it up with him and not only bring it up but make him, even force him, to sit there, listen to you and understand that what he says has a deep, negative emotional impact on you.

I wouldn't advocate emotional blackmail or anything of the sort but perhaps it is time that you said to him that unless he's willing to discuss these significant issues without resorting to childish insults, then you will be forced to seriously consider whether you want to remain in the relationship. As you say at the end of your post, perhaps it is time for you to consider other things.

What I'm wary of is that you have started out saying he's a nice man and gradually, perhaps due to reminiscing about past issues, labelled him as selfish, intolerant etc. These are important points and they need to be addressed. Perhaps if you start discussions you can bring these to his attention and make him understand that you are no longer willing to tolerate being made to feel betrayed, hurt or anything else because of his behaviour. If he truly loved you, he would be willing to work on himself to make you happy.

If you want the relationship then you're going to have to speak up to him, sooner rather than later, and make it clear that you're not willing to accept the silence-and-forget-about-it treatment anymore. If you however feel for whatever reason then you can't or should not start such a discussion then perhaps that is your answer.

Tropez

londoner1998 wrote: »

Update
we just exchanged a few words... he thinks he is right. I critisised his ideas and therefore, I am an evil witch who turn on people and deserves to be sacked. Yes, he said a halfhearted 'sorry' and still think it is true that I deserve to lose my job (I guess it is me and the other 650 that are going). Then he blamed me being upset on my yoga lessons (he always does this- he knows how important my yoga is for me) and then I just had it and told I am done with this. I just can not see they way ahead- I feel tired, unwanted at work (now at home as well as at work) and I am falling behind with my studies. And yet, it seems he thinks I deserve it.
Why? Why can't I have a partner who doesn't think I am a freak form being upset when I am treated nastily?

Things are being hard now, and will be for a few months- I might do myself a favour and make the load lighter.

You must have posted this as I was writing my reply.

It isn't my place to tell anyone what to do with their relationship but based on these comments I think you're in your right to question whether it is worth bothering with.

Being upset because of losing your job is perfectly natural especially in the current climate and if he fails to understand that then frankly he's living in la-la-land.

He doesn't sound very supportive, or dependable and I can't say I believe it would be conducive to your emotional wellbeing to be made to feel that way on a regular basis.

I think the fact you're considering the relationship speaks for itself - and per my previous post - it depends on whether you want the relationship now or not. If you do, then he needs to work to be what you need.

londoner1998

Hello again

well, I did go and ask him to talk. He did apologise and admitted that what he said was not true and very unfair, and that he said it 'to be horrible' . He said he regretted it because he loves me very much and it had been a very silly thing to say. He said he felt criticised and undermined and I explained how that wasn't my intention, but given the circumstances my focus is on keeping things going and getting it right. I explained in detail how much it hurt me and how , if this was the way, I would have to consider the relationship. Not because I don't love him, but because some things that are not a big deal to him, matter very much to me and really hurt. He seemed quite shocked at the way I was so upset, so I ennumerated: I miss my (deceased) dad, who would normally fuel me on with a few sweet words in my native language, I am not at my best in terms of self-confidence after the 'at risk' notice, I am falling behind my studies, I haven't slept at all for close to two weeks now and I want to have some quality time with him but I have deadlines that come first right now. I explained I felt betrayed and that he was supposed to be on my side, not judge whatever goes on at my workplace when he is not even there (and for the record my profesionalism is exemplary).

I went to sleep on my own because I still flet pretty raw, but this morning I felt better. We have talked and he apologised again.
I accepted his apology. I guess people make mistakes and in a moment of arrogance and exasperation we can say pretty stupid things. I do know he is a good man- he has been very good up until Saturday regarding my work situation and he just cleared a 1K overdraft purely out of hard work and of listening to my moneysaving tips. He also gave me 400 pounds he had as surplus to put in an ISA. This was unthinkable 6 months ago and for me is a great step forward (I posted here about it around Christmas) for us.

So thank you all for your help and advice- it is true that things need to be talked over, no matter who starts the talking...

Axx

Errata

I haven't slept at all for close to two weeks now

But that's not true, is it. If you hadn't slept for two weeks you would be seriously ill by now. Clearly you're not.

londoner1998

Errata wrote: »

But that's not true, is it. If you hadn't slept for two weeks you would be seriously ill by now. Clearly you're not.

Average of 3-4 hours a day, with 12 hour days and frequent nightmares...so ok, strictly not true, but hardly a recipe for health...

Tish_P

londoner, I hope you don't mind me saying this but there's a lot of black-and-white thinking showing in your posts. Bad sleep becomes no sleep at all, a hurtful remark becomes a fundamental betrayal, an awkward post-row atmosphere becomes evidence that you're unwelcome in your own home...

Perhaps it's worth bearing in mind that this kind of thinking can itself be a symptom of anxiety or depression. Either is entirely understandable in your situation (and there but for the grace of God go I) but if it's out of control - and if you're having trouble sleeping, it sounds like it might be - you might want to think about some counselling or other help. I hope things work out well for you and your partner, whatever happens.

londoner1998

Tish_P wrote: »

londoner, I hope you don't mind me saying this but there's a lot of black-and-white thinking showing in your posts. Bad sleep becomes no sleep at all, a hurtful remark becomes a fundamental betrayal, an awkward post-row atmosphere becomes evidence that you're unwelcome in your own home...

Perhaps it's worth bearing in mind that this kind of thinking can itself be a symptom of anxiety or depression. Either is entirely understandable in your situation (and there but for the grace of God go I) but if it's out of control - and if you're having trouble sleeping, it sounds like it might be - you might want to think about some counselling or other help. I hope things work out well for you and your partner, whatever happens.

Hi
yes, I became aware of the abnormally high level anxiety on Friday. I have been more or less ok until the weekend and then it all has become a bit too much. I made a conscious effort to get out to a yoga class on Friday night and then again yesterday morning. The sudden crying was the symptom that tells me I need to be careful. It is not easy, but I still think that such remark was unnecessary. It doesn't matter anymore, but it was still insensitive.

This week will be a bit easier, but this whole thing at work has knocked me for six...

GEEGEE8

My OH can be the most uncaring pig when he's in a mood and he has said things that have really hurt my feelings before, so I know how you feel.

On the other hand, I'm overly sensitive to criticism and find it hard to forgive and forget.

This seems to be a recipe for disaster and we keep having stupid rows over nothing.

Sometimes I wonder if he does it for attention, pushes me away to see if I will come back to him? He is very insecure.

I've decided to stop worrying about what he says so much, and try to be happy and healthy in myself. If he wants to be grouchy and put me down over something then he can, I just won't react to it. I'll tell him he is being mean/nasty/ignorant or whatever and then going to go and do something else away from him.

elvis86

OP, you sound like a nightmare and should count yourself lucky to have an OH who will tolerate you.

You must've just spent a couple of hours here wallowing in self-pity and stressing how 100% right you are and how 100% wrong your OH is. You could've done something more productive, like catching up on your sleep/working on your application/speaking to your OH.

If he's that bad - quit telling strangers online and just finish with him. Do him a favour, by the sounds of it!

Errata

londoner1998 wrote: »

Average of 3-4 hours a day, with 12 hour days and frequent nightmares...so ok, strictly not true, but hardly a recipe for health...

Fair enough, but if you exaggerate so spectacularly about one thing, people may suspect exaggeration in other things.