How can someone be so nasty?

londoner1998

ali-t wrote: »

You sound like hard work!

You are assuming in the post above that he meant to hurt you and that he should know how difficult it is for you but your final sentence in the post above is that you don't want his issues to deal with and don't even know what his issues are.

Take a step away from everything, chill out and go back to the application in a couple of days. A good friend of mine says that tasks like that (applications, essays, reports etc) are 90% inspiration and 10% perspiration. I never get the inspiration when I am sitting trying to work on it but rather it comes when I am out walking, cleaning the house or doing something else totally unrelated.

Good luck and I hope you get a new job sorted soon.

Thank you for the replies- while I take the comments on board, I don't think that anything justifies him saying what he said out of the blue. I did ask how was his daughter and it all seemed fine, so if there was anything amiss, I haven't been told. I didn't ask for a solution either- I asked for help with brainstorming. I love this man, but he is one of the ones that are always right. His a creative type, you see, (musician) so you have to tread carefully when it comes to his creative input. But this was not about him it was about me asking for help. If he couldn't he should have said. And I don't think I am reading too much into it- he said it clearly and repeated it: so yeah, I guess I am hard work (I would say that I work hard) and because I expect my partner of 8 years to support me when I need help, that justifies being able to undermine your woman in that way. The same woman that picked up his daughter form nursery when he had to work and his ex refused to ... I guess I am asking for too much. Is it really too much to ask to expect certain people not to turn against you when you need them? May be is cultural, but I am not used to partner being vicious for no reason whatsoever and hitting where they know it hurts.
But like poet said, I have too much on to be worrying about someone who just thinks about himself pretty much all of the time

londoner1998

ali-t wrote: »

You sound like hard work!

You are assuming in the post above that he meant to hurt you and that he should know how difficult it is for you but your final sentence in the post above is that you don't want his issues to deal with and don't even know what his issues are.

Take a step away from everything, chill out and go back to the application in a couple of days. A good friend of mine says that tasks like that (applications, essays, reports etc) are 90% inspiration and 10% perspiration. I never get the inspiration when I am sitting trying to work on it but rather it comes when I am out walking, cleaning the house or doing something else totally unrelated.

Good luck and I hope you get a new job sorted soon.

That good advice, but the deadline is tonight, so not much time for faff around...I am having a bite to eat and the off to finish the task... the rest of the application is done.
I have noticed though, everytime he goes to his daughter's grandmother's house he comes back with a nasty attitude...I'd rather stay away

poet123

londoner1998 wrote: »

Thank you for the replies- while I take the comments on board, I don't think that anything justifies him saying what he said out of the blue. I did ask how was his daughter and it all seemed fine, so if there was anything amiss, I haven't been told. I didn't ask for a solution either- I asked for help with brainstorming. I love this man, but he is one of the ones that are always right. His a creative type, you see, (musician) so you have to tread carefully when it comes to his creative input. But this was not about him it was about me asking for help. If he couldn't he should have said. And I don't think I am reading too much into it- he said it clearly and repeated it: so yeah, I guess I am hard work (I would say that I work hard) and because I expect my partner of 8 years to support me when I need help, that justifies being able to undermine your woman in that way. The same woman that picked up his daughter form nursery when he had to work and his ex refused to ... I guess I am asking for too much. Is it really too much to ask to expect certain people not to turn against you when you need them? May be is cultural, but I am not used to partner being vicious for no reason whatsoever and hitting where they know it hurts.
But like poet said, I have too much on to be worrying about someone who just thinks about himself pretty much all of the time

You see, we don't know that, we can only go on the isolated situation you detail here. If this is one in a series of incidents where he has been insensitive or thoughtless (which only you can answer) then you may have a point, and maybe he is not meeting your needs despite you loving him. Your OP came across as you being a bit harsh on him for a comment made in exasperation, not that this was the norm or even common.

Good luck with your job search.:D

January20

londoner1998 wrote: »

The he dropped the bomb- ' ... that's why they don't want you in your department'. I tried to pretend it didn't matter what he said, but I am in floods tears- last thing I need is to be made feel like this. He has been wonderful lately, really really supportive but he couldn't help himself. Talk about kicking somebody when they are down. I know he probably regrets it already but the damage is done. I don't know why he has to be so spiteful. All I am doing is trying to find a new job, keep my existing one if possible and get on with my studies, And the talks to me like this, out of the blue...

I feel awful.

Why did you pretend that it didn't matter what he said? When it obviously is a big deal to you? It doesn't matter whether he meant to or not, he did it. Why not actually emphasise how much he has hurt you? Why let him get away with it, not understanding that you are hurt. If he doesn't know the extend of the pain how can you expect him to stop?

londoner1998 wrote: »

He has done this before, a long time ago, but I certainly didn't expect it now. Hitting below the belt like this is nasty. My confidence is low enough as is, I don not to need this kind of treatment. It is vicious, it is meant to hurt and it does. I am not one for holding grudges, but he know how hard this is being for me (I haven't slept for ten days now and I am putting a lot of hours trying to move forward) so I don;t think I am the one that needs to do the apologizing. I know I am a bit of an alphe female, but I dont; think I have to apologise for trying to do things right.If he can't get beyond his own insecurities right now, I don't need this. It is hard enough without being told I am not wanted... I already know that.
God know what is going on on the other side with his daughter and his ex... but I don't deserve to be dumped with it in cryptic ways when I have more than enough on my plate.

Does he really know how low your self esteem is? Are there problems with his daughter and his ex that make him like this? Is it new or has it been like this for the past 8 years? Does he share his problems with you or just bottle it up and then releases his frustration on you? others?

londoner1998 wrote: »

The below the belt remarks happened a few times when we were not getting on well at all. I had a lot of trauma to get over with and spent three years having counselling (wich I must say turn me inside out) and when we had an argument and he didn't know what else to say he would go for it' yeah and you pay 50 quid for someone to tell you what you want to listen to' or 'but you have never been happy, you don't know how to be happy'. Now, he is a lovely man, but not the most emotionally articulate. I picked up a very strange vibe from home as he came in. We have worked together before and this has happened- he just doesn't like to be told 'this doesn't work'. But to start attacking me saying I have no ideas and that it is no surprise they are getting rid of me it is not only unfair, but in the circumstances, vicious. I am also doing a Masters degree and since I heard that my job is at risk ten days ago I am really struggling. I know it is not his fault, but I don't think people can understand how hard it is to work and study at the same time, let aline trying to find a new job too.
It is not his fault, but if he can't see that those remarks are cruel, well... I am really, really upset about this. He knows what he has done, yet he will not apologise. He started to come up with suggestions for my work ten minutes after, but by then I was just not in the mood . I am still very upset and I don;t want to even see him. When the selfish side comes out, it is not pretty.

And here I was thinking we were doing really really well...why does he need to turn against me when I need him most?
I'm out for a yoga class for the whole morning and this afternoon I will finish the application... I don;t even want to see him.

Thank you all- I am just feeling very low and lonely these days...I had been warning him this might come since October but he dismissed it saying I was very 'safe' in my job...

Ax

The first bit: the comments about your counselling. It really sounds like he could do with some counselling himself rather than mock you for seeking help. What a silly man who appears to think himself superior because he doesn't go and see a counsellor for help with his problems!

The other bits: you keep saying it's not his fault. Why is it not his fault? He says those nasty things doesn't he? He is an adult isn't he? Not a child who is not aware of the power of his words. Stop making excuses for him. Stop hiding from him how much it hurts you. If he doesn't realise his remarks are cruel it's because you hide the pain from him, you allow him to say those things to you and then carry on regardless.

You may love him but to me he sounds like a man who when he struggles with his feelings, expressing himself, any hint of criticism, will lash out and hurt the woman he is supposed to love. Not very adult, mature or caring. Not what I call a nice man, sorry!

Of course as you keep saying what a nice man he is and how much he loves you, it could all be your own perception of the situation and he could be a perfect man, after all.

katebl

Hi londoner, I read one of your previous threads about your job situation and just wanted to let you know I completely understand how you feel. I too work full time and am studying and also job hunting (admittedly at my own leisure rather than under pressure like you). It sometimes feels like there are not enough hours in the day doesn't there?

Just wanted to wish you the best of luck, and maybe your OH doesn't quite understand how under pressure you feel. If this is something that has been all consuming for you the past couple of weeks it may be that he has 'had enough' of hearing about it - I know my OH gets bored listening to me ramble on - sadly I think it's a man thing not having the attention span

londoner1998

January, you are right on some things you say, very right. LIke his remarks about my counselling or me not showing how much it hurt me. I guess I just tried to not to waste too much on it, but I did cry and he saw it- he tried to apologise but by then I didn't want to know. When I sai'it is not his fault', I mean it is not his fault I am at risk of losing my job. Like i said, we have had very tough times in the past, but with a lot of hard work we have come out of it. I must say that all those character traits (selfishness and not being able to express his feeling, inmaturity) are true. But I also must say that he has changed a lot on the past year and in the last few weeks he has been markedly more mature and supportive to me. So yes, he is not perfect but I still love him. He is selfish , stubborn and often unsensitive, but also has a very big heart and I know cares deeply about me. The empathy bit is where we always get stuck. And yes, he does struggle with his feelings, and he has even admitted it to me (his dad hardly speaks to him and they never have had a meaningful conversation- this seems to be a sticking point for him). RE: my counselling- agreed, completely ignorant comments that I guess at the time were aimed at getting a reaction rather than being a genuine reflection of what he thinks about it. I guess yesterday was one of those days when i didn't have my reserves with me and he reacted stupidly.
He knows I am struggling a bit, but I don't think he understands just how much is affecting me. I haven't spoken to him yet today and I am not intending to. I feel too tired. He will have to make an effort and articulate whatever he is thinking or feeling. I am not doing it this time- it is always me who opens up the conversation. And this is not me being difficult, it is just that he will not understand how much it hurts me unless he sees it. The fact he hasn't even tried to talk to me today I think says a lot about him and his attitude towards these things. He never has the problem. Yes, I agree he could do with tons of counselling- I might have hard tought times and needed counselling (I found my mother's dead body in her room at 13, that shoudl give an idea), but I have a fully functional live and I know very well the state of my mental health.
I had been unhappy for a bit in my job (in spite of loving the job, the team dynamics has been quite hard to handle) and now this came as a bomb. I Guess I feel betrayed, unloved and uncared for at work and needed a helping hand...

sjc3

I just wanted to wish you lots of luck in your pursuit to find a new job. Im sorry you are going through such a stressfull time right now. I can understand you being upset at your OH comments, they were not kind or necessary. As others have said maybe he had a rough day with his daughter and was not in a balanced frame of mind. Not an excuse really but we all have off moments. All I can advise is to sit down with your OH and explain to him calmly how he made you feel. Otherwise this may eat away at you and cause resentment.

My hubby is a chef and can be stressed out sometimes. I learnt very early on to time when I asked for his help. Not because he wouldn't help or be concerned. Rather that I knew I would get a better response from him if he was a bit relaxed and chilled out first.

Good luck OP

Tropez

londoner1998 wrote: »

I haven't spoken to him yet today and I am not intending to. I feel too tired. He will have to make an effort and articulate whatever he is thinking or feeling. I am not doing it this time- it is always me who opens up the conversation. And this is not me being difficult, it is just that he will not understand how much it hurts me unless he sees it. The fact he hasn't even tried to talk to me today I think says a lot about him and his attitude towards these things.

What if he doesn't "make the effort"?

By your own admission, you didn't tell him that what he said was very hurtful to you and while I'm sure someone will be along soon to explain that men think like this and women think like that and both genders can be placed in entirely exclusive neat little groups, the simple truth is, if you haven't told him that what he has said is hurtful, then how is he supposed to know?

You've said that he has been making an effort to improve himself and be a better partner to you and yet you are failing to assist that improvement by sitting down and talking to him. How are problems supposed to be solved in your relationship if you cannot speak to each other and instead opt for the silent treatment? Of course, you're angry and upset about what he said, maybe he was angry and upset about what you said though? When you were telling him that the input he is given wasn't useful to you, did you explain why properly or did you simply repeat yourself? Were his comments borne out of frustration about being expected to understand something he is unfamiliar with and then feeling hurt himself that he was criticised? He did, after all, attempt to help you when you asked for it, did he not? Did you try and help him understand what you needed?

I'm not going to excuse his comments as if they hurt you then they hurt you and it is important for you and your relationship that things can be remedied but it does seem that there are communication issues in your relationship that could possibly be the cause of many of these hurtful comments. Sometimes, when somebody feels criticised they also feel belittled, small, insignificant etc. and then, unfortunately, feel they have to react to reassert themselves - perhaps your partner is like this, and if so, then the only way you'll ever move beyond petty snipes is to sit down and talk and if you can't sit down and talk then you need to be asking yourself why?

My partner and I are very open with each other, most of the time at least. We disagree on various things but respect each other's emotional boundaries enough to have a discussion about something rather than an argument. If I ever said anything to her that caused the hurt you are describing then I would want her to tell me about it because otherwise I might make the same stupid mistake again. I, and I hope she too, values our relationship enough to know that not talking about any potential problems just exacerbates things, turning what could be easily resolved into something devastating instead. A relationship cannot be about "he needs to speak first" sentiments because then problems are not highlighted and then not resolved. A relationship is about making each other happy and if one partner is not happy then the other should be open and willing to discuss what needs to be done in order to rectify this problem. Without the ability to communicate and trust each other to communicate openly, what is there left?

londoner1998

Tropez wrote: »

What if he doesn't "make the effort"?

By your own admission, you didn't tell him that what he said was very hurtful to you and while I'm sure someone will be along soon to explain that men think like this and women think like that and both genders can be placed in entirely exclusive neat little groups, the simple truth is, if you haven't told him that what he has said is hurtful, then how is he supposed to know?

You've said that he has been making an effort to improve himself and be a better partner to you and yet you are failing to assist that improvement by sitting down and talking to him. How are problems supposed to be solved in your relationship if you cannot speak to each other and instead opt for the silent treatment? Of course, you're angry and upset about what he said, maybe he was angry and upset about what you said though? When you were telling him that the input he is given wasn't useful to you, did you explain why properly or did you simply repeat yourself? Were his comments borne out of frustration about being expected to understand something he is unfamiliar with and then feeling hurt himself that he was criticised? He did, after all, attempt to help you when you asked for it, did he not? Did you try and help him understand what you needed?

I'm not going to excuse his comments as if they hurt you then they hurt you and it is important for you and your relationship that things can be remedied but it does seem that there are communication issues in your relationship that could possibly be the cause of many of these hurtful comments. Sometimes, when somebody feels criticised they also feel belittled, small, insignificant etc. and then, unfortunately, feel they have to react to reassert themselves - perhaps your partner is like this, and if so, then the only way you'll ever move beyond petty snipes is to sit down and talk and if you can't sit down and talk then you need to be asking yourself why?

My partner and I are very open with each other, most of the time at least. We disagree on various things but respect each other's emotional boundaries enough to have a discussion about something rather than an argument. If I ever said anything to her that caused the hurt you are describing then I would want her to tell me about it because otherwise I might make the same stupid mistake again. I, and I hope she too, values our relationship enough to know that not talking about any potential problems just exacerbates things, turning what could be easily resolved into something devastating instead. A relationship cannot be about "he needs to speak first" sentiments because then problems are not highlighted and then not resolved. A relationship is about making each other happy and if one partner is not happy then the other should be open and willing to discuss what needs to be done in order to rectify this problem. Without the ability to communicate and trust each other to communicate openly, what is there left?

Tropez
he does know he hurt me because said so and I was in floods of tears. I made it clear that I wasn't criticising his ideas, it was just that they didn't fit the bill. He is the kind of guy that feels criticized if he makes a super-spicy dish that I can't eat, or don't particularly like. He takes it personal, rather than appreciating that it is just not my cup of tea. By saying' are you surprised they don't want you in your department' he went straight to the things that concerns me most and matters most at the moment. It was a cheap shot and a very hurtful one. I don't feel like talking to him because He didn't go to bed crying, I did. He is not having a hard time right now, I am- he is just biding time because he know I will be along soon and he will have forgotten about it. And that is the problem- it doesn't get talked about. And now I just about had enough of having to go along like this. I NEED SUPPORT- why does it have to be ME , always me having to do the talking? You hit on the nail, a relationship is making each other happy- I haven't schosen to be like this.
I am sorry, but i wouldn't make comments like that to him when he has had bad times at work, because I know it wouldn't help. And because I woudln't want to hurt him. Just as I went to a counsellor and worked on my issues, I would expect him to be at least, kind. What I am not happy to go along with is that just because it doesn't bother him, I have to put up with it.
I am hurt, and I feel betrayed- is that what he really thinks, that they want to get rid of me and they have reasons to do it? then he has been lying to me all along when he said' I have all confidence in you'- there were just words.
I'm sorry, I am really upset- I just feel that he has betrayed me by going for the cheap, nasty 'kick'em when they are down' strategy and thinks I should be the one trying to make ammends. Right now I wish he were not here and had gone away for good


This might well be the time not just to find a new job, but to rethink a whole more other things

londoner1998

londoner1998 wrote: »

Tropez
he does know he hurt me because said so and I was in floods of tears. I made it clear that I wasn't criticising his ideas, it was just that they didn't fit the bill. He is the kind of guy that feels criticized if he makes a super-spicy dish that I can't eat, or don't particularly like. He takes it personal, rather than appreciating that it is just not my cup of tea. By saying' are you surprised they don't want you in your department' he went straight to the things that concerns me most and matters most at the moment. It was a cheap shot and a very hurtful one. I don't feel like talking to him because He didn't go to bed crying, I did. He is not having a hard time right now, I am- he is just biding time because he know I will be along soon and he will have forgotten about it. And that is the problem- it doesn't get talked about. And now I just about had enough of having to go along like this. I NEED SUPPORT- why does it have to be ME , always me having to do the talking? You hit on the nail, a relationship is making each other happy- I haven't schosen to be like this.
I am sorry, but i wouldn't make comments like that to him when he has had bad times at work, because I know it wouldn't help. And because I woudln't want to hurt him. Just as I went to a counsellor and worked on my issues, I would expect him to be at least, kind. What I am not happy to go along with is that just because it doesn't bother him, I have to put up with it.
I am hurt, and I feel betrayed- is that what he really thinks, that they want to get rid of me and they have reasons to do it? then he has been lying to me all along when he said' I have all confidence in you'- there were just words.
I'm sorry, I am really upset- I just feel that he has betrayed me by going for the cheap, nasty 'kick'em when they are down' strategy and thinks I should be the one trying to make ammends. Right now I wish he were not here and had gone away for good


This might well be the time not just to find a new job, but to rethink a whole more other things

Update
we just exchanged a few words... he thinks he is right. I critisised his ideas and therefore, I am an evil witch who turn on people and deserves to be sacked. Yes, he said a halfhearted 'sorry' and still think it is true that I deserve to lose my job (I guess it is me and the other 650 that are going). Then he blamed me being upset on my yoga lessons (he always does this- he knows how important my yoga is for me) and then I just had it and told I am done with this. I just can not see they way ahead- I feel tired, unwanted at work (now at home as well as at work) and I am falling behind with my studies. And yet, it seems he thinks I deserve it.
Why? Why can't I have a partner who doesn't think I am a freak form being upset when I am treated nastily?

Things are being hard now, and will be for a few months- I might do myself a favour and make the load lighter.