Friends want us to RSVP 6 months before big day!

Chardonnay

We've put little cards in with our invites, with a link to our gift list, which is for Marriott vouchers to go towards our honeymoon, plus we're giving 10% to Cancer Research, for very personal reasons, which some of the guests will know about, some won't.

On the website, I have written a note to say that there is no need to buy gifts and it's their presence we require blah blah blah, but if they still feel they would like to buy something, the vouchers would be very much appreciated (but worded much better than that )

The thing is, my fiance and I don't live together yet and so have two houseful's of stuff, so really don't need anything else, but neither of us are exactly flush and struggling to pay for the wedding, so this means we should be able to have a short break for our honeymoon. I did think of asking for money, but fiance didn't like that idea so we decided vouchers were better, plus with the donation to charity it's like giving something back.

Loads of people have asked me if I'm putting a gift list in and I've made it clear there's no obligation to buy. I am the least pushy person around and would hate to think that I would have offended anyone by putting the cards in with the invitations! As far as I can remember, most weddings I've been to have put in a gift list with invitations, and I've never even given it a second thought! I've always bought a present or vouchers (or money if requested) if attending a wedding anyway, so I'd welcome the ideas on what to buy!

I guess we are all different!

As for the early RSVP - it is very early but I guess maybe they are trying to get an idea of numbers and cost? Maybe as others have said, you could send a conditional RSVP that you will be there as long as you can get the time off work?

WastingMyTime

I've had invites that contain a wedding lists and invites that don't. Personally, I prefer to have a wedding list in my invite.
It saves me time trying to think of what the bride/groom would like and need. I spend a significant amount of money on a wedding gift in comparison to my earnings and therefore I would be gutted if my alternative gift was wasted/not wanted for any reason.
Putting a wedding list in my invite does not mean that my attendance is dependent on me buying a gift. I just want to be thanked for the gift that I have given, if I have given one.

AppleCore

I think sending an invite out 9 months in advance is too early, and the RSVP needing to be 6 months before the date? I can't imagine many established weddding venues needing to know final numbers so far in advance. Debrett's actually advises that invites should be sent out 10 - 12 weeks before which makes the OP's friends very early.

Sounds like they're super-organised and don't realise that its actually a little inconvenient for their guests. It may end up being a big mistake on their part if people RSVP in March only to subsequently let them down closer to the time. I personally would rather have my RSVP's all in a few weeks before the date and feel reassured that this is unlikely to change unless something drastic happens.

I have to admit that instead of sending out save the date cards I just either phoned or emailed friends to let them know the date before the invites were sent - cheap and actually more personal than cards.

As for asking for money as a gift? I think its what we've come to expect these days but I have to admit that I do find the idea of mentioning the words 'bank details' in a wedding invite to be a bit tactless.

redfiesta1979

Hi everyone,
The gift list is a thorny issue and we wrestled with it for a long time. I'm genuinely interested in some independent feedback on what we have settled upon as a solution.
We had always said that we wouldn't have a gift list, having lived together for 3.5 years etc etc but when I have mentioned this to various brides I was strongly advised to give an indication of some sort. I initially objected but several different couples said that, which I'm sure is true, some people will want to give you gifts regardless of your wishes because they equally feel it is the 'right thing to do' and that not giving some direction is a sure fire way to end up with numerous silver photo frames etc which you neither want nor need and therefore any thank you is not genuinely heartfelt.
We have opted for the honeymoon contribution option, but we have gone to great lengths in researching activities that we would like to do, many of which we would have to let pass us by if we were funding it all ourselves as we would have had to budget. We also have another caveat in that we are not asking for any assistance in flights there and back or accommodation whilst we are there as we were (personally, no judgements on others here), uncomfortable with asking people to actually pay for our holiday, if no-one bought anything from the list we would still be going - just doing less things. It is important to us that as with a normal gift list, we can thank people for the experience they gave us and so whilst some larger items have been split down eg, tickets to a show, we can thank them and talk about that specific thing rather than 'our holiday' as would be the case with asking for cash contributions with no link to items. We have broken things down to either single or multiple items, the smallest being £10 and the largest £45 with the average being £25.
We have written the following wording to explain our decision but haven't yet gone to print or finalised the website we will use yet ..... what do you all think?

"Having spent a very happy three and a half years living together, we are not looking to our guests to support us to set up home in the traditional sense. There is nothing we really need and for you to share a fabulous day with our family and friends to celebrate our wedding is all that we ask. However we are mindful of the fact that you may wish to give us a gift and if so, would probably prefer it if we gave some guidance on what would be helpful to us. If you would like to give us a gift, we have put together an alternative gift list inviting our guests to select from a list of activities and experiences which we would love to be a part of our honeymoon. This will help to make us to really make our honeymoon experience into the holiday of a lifetime. We are travelling to New York, Washington DC and Key West. Please see our alternative gift list at ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, for further details.


Another thorny issue - we are not inviting children as the potential 17 extra little ones would impact both budget and invites to others, when many of these children are either very young or we don't actually know them...
Again, genuine feedback welcome on the wording that we are thinking of incorporating. We don't wish to offend anyone and I do appreciate there are some strong views on this subject.....

"Our whole day will be spent at the venue and we are not inviting further guests in the evening. We want to spend all our day with all our guests. Regrettably, our invitations do not extend to children as we couldn't accommodate those of all our guests and it wouldn't be fair to invite some and not others. We do hope you understand and are able to make arrangements to share our special day with us."

???? Both are very wordy I know to go on the back of an invitation, but it is so hard to convey either of these in the spirit with which they are intended!
Thanks in advance

Toothfairy4

I think that is really well written, infact as we are having a honeymoon gift list I might have to steal it and change a few details lol!

Treadway1

My Fiancee and I are getting married in July this year and have only started sending out the invitations now. Even that is probably a little early but as we're ahving around 250 guests, we wanted to try and get them out at least, so we knew where we were. We've also made a wedding website which we've directed people to on the invite. We're asking people to RSVP on the site as it makes it a hell of a lot easier to collate than RSVP cards.

As for the gift thing, I appreciate where the OP's friends are coming from, I just think they've been a bit tactless with the wording. We've also told our guests not to buy any gifts as having lived apart from our parents for around 7 years each, there's nothing we really need that is suitable for a wedding gift list. That said though, people will always feel obliged to give something, which is why we're asking if they do feel inclined, then they can make a contribution to our 'Honeymoon Fund'.

I dont think that's a sad indcitment on society, as some have alluded to, just a reality that not all couple's need anything for the bottom drawer when they get married anymore, and as some people will always feel they have to give something, what else is there?

silverchair

Personally I dont think saying that if you want to give a gift money is cheeky. I can understand that they dont want to end up with a load of presents they have no need for. In the end its their wedding & they can do as they please. Also if you're not sure you want to commit to the day of the wedding it sounds like you dont really want to go.

redfiesta1979

Toothfairy4 wrote: »

I think that is really well written, infact as we are having a honeymoon gift list I might have to steal it and change a few details lol!

Go ahead toothfairy!!!! Thanks for the vote of confidence.

minerva_windsong

Too early to confirm for the invitations in my view - I could understand if they were getting married in the summer due to not wanting to clash with people's holidays, but for September the end of March feels way too early for people to say, "Yes we're coming".

The bank detail thing is a bit cheeky though in my view - I've got no qualms about giving people money if it's what they want, but I would much rather put a cheque in a card because just giving the card and saying, "Oh and we put £50 in your bank account" feels too impersonal.

LEJC

Redfiesta.....
I agree totally with your sentiments regarding gift lists and the exclusion of children at your wedding...afterall its your day and should be how you want it....
however...
as a parent of child receiving that type of invitation that is directed at just my husband and I would cause me to have to decline your invite..sorry.
Under that circumstance I would most certainly send you a card...good wishes...maybe even a small present or gift but my presence wouldnt join you for your day.

Personally I wouldnt hold it against you for not inviting my child but it is a contentious issue and all guests may not be as gracious as me.....do perpare yourself for your guests potential to decline your invite on the grounds that the children are not invited.