Friends want us to RSVP 6 months before big day!

ixwood

I'm pretty new to wedding convention and the like and it being regarded as way too early seems odd to me.

I assumed you'd just invite people once you know the details. Otherwise people might book holidays, or make other plans.

I gather it seems to be the done thing to send "save the date" cards to avoid this problem, but I don't see the point? If you know when the date is and you're asking people to save the date so they can come to the wedding, why not just ask them to the wedding?

RainbowDrops

ixwood wrote: »

I gather it seems to be the done thing to send "save the date" cards to avoid this problem, but I don't see the point? If you know when the date is and you're asking people to save the date so they can come to the wedding, why not just ask them to the wedding?

I think the point is asking your guests to RSVP well in advance.
Some peoples plans / sittuations change, so asking for a RSVP too soon might mean that numbers could change

And if you send the invite out early, but give guests a long time to RSVP they might forget, so the save the date gives them a chance to know more, then you can send more info for them to RSVP to later.

White_Sapphire

OP, re not being able to book time off till July, could you ask your boss to pencil you in? At my previous job if someone needed to book time off for the following year, before HR could formally agree it, it could usually be arranged within the department and confirmed with HR at the appropriate time. Would that be a possibility?

It is extremely early to send invites, but perhaps the couple didn't want to bother with Save The Dates so sent the invites early instead. And then, if you have too long a gap between people receiving invites and having to respond there's no sense of urgency so people have to be chased for RSVPs, hence the early RSVP date. I don't think that they've really thought through the implications re changing personal circumstances and ability book time off that far in advance, but it's not a major fail, imho.

Both 'gift lists in invites' and 'monetary gift' issues are complete minefields!!! The couple have been tactless in the way they have worded it, and I am not wholly comfortable with requesting gifts with the invites - most people do want to give something, but I prefer to keep that info for when people ask, or put it on the wedsite if there is one. Asking for gifts in the invites does smack a little of 'and this is what we expect from you', but I understand that a lot of people do it, and I am certainly not offended enough by it for it to be a deciding factor for whether or not I attend the wedding.

Queen_B_3

I'm getting married in September and currently thinking about designing our invites ready to go out mid April.

I agree with everyone else that the OP should initially accept the invite providing the time can be booked off work.

It is unlikely that the venue will want to know numbers now but it's nice to have that reassurance that people are wanting to attend, maybe so they have a rough idea of the costs? Or maybe because they can only afford to invite certain people to the day and they have a list of people that could be bumped up if necessary.

Or..... they may just be very very excited and want to be super organised

On the subject of gift lists it's not normal or abnormal, it's personal preference and choice at the end of the day, people don't have to adhere to it if they don't want to.

I think too many things get taken out of proportion these days....

LibbyR26

If you having doubts about going already, my suggestion would be to decline now. If they are being demanding now, months before the wedding, they could be insufferable by the time it comes round. Whatever you do decide, don't allow yourself to pressurised by them. Good luck with your decision.

shellsuit

FlowerPower wrote: »

Shellsuit - no it wasn't directed at you. It does seem rude/thoughtless of them to miss some of your children out! I've heard some people specifically don't invite children at all - but to invite one but not the other two?!

It just made me aware when reading through that people can get upset enough to not go to the wedding because of the gift list/cash request, and I was horrified at the thought that I might have inadvertently caused such a reaction from my guests too... I really hope not, as that's the last thing I'd want. It just didn't occur to me that people might be offended by it - I just thought gift lists were normal. If I could redo them, I think I'd take out the gift list bit now

They must have just assumed there was just me, hubby and the baby. I don't know them from Adam, they are old friends of my husbands, but you might have thought that they would have done a little bit more digging on facebook (where they would have found we had 2 more children, ok not my husbands bio children, but still..) or just invited me and my husband, or just wrote the invite to 'my husband and family'.

I don't mind receiving gift lists, I might not buy anything from them, but I don't mind receiving them because they have been going for a long long time, mainly when people still had a bottom drawer at home and only moved in together once they were married so are considered the norm.

Now couples mostly live together beforehand, so of course vouchers and cash would be more welcome, but I just personally think it's rude to ask for something. (and that goes for bdays and Christmas too!)

ixwood

shellsuit wrote: »

They must have just assumed there was just me, hubby and the baby. I don't know them from Adam, they are old friends of my husbands, but you might have thought that they would have done a little bit more digging on facebook (where they would have found we had 2 more children, ok not my husbands bio children, but still..) or just invited me and my husband, or just wrote the invite to 'my husband and family'.

..

Personally, I wouldn't have even thought about checking something like that on facebook. I bet they didn't realise and will be mortified when they find out.

I'd subtlety make it obvious there's extra members of your little family via facebook somehow or a carefully crafted text message and see what happens.

shellsuit

ixwood wrote: »

Personally, I wouldn't have even thought about checking something like that on facebook. I bet they didn't realise and will be mortified when they find out.

I'd subtlety make it obvious there's extra members of your little family via facebook somehow or a carefully crafted text message and see what happens.

They must have looked at facebook to know we'd had a baby and to see what his name was (the babies name was on the invite), as my husband hadn't told them.

To save me typing it again...(cos I'm a lazy moo lol)

My husband did send a message to them to decline the invitation as we didn't have anyone to watch the other children (hint hint!) but he didn't hear anything back from them until about 3 weeks after the reception where they said 'oh you should have brought them with you anyway!'

I'm not going to take the children somewhere they haven't been invited, to have the hosts think "who the hell are these?".

monkeymonkey_3

shellsuit wrote: »

I just don't like people asking for gifts at all, full stop.

I received an invite with a gift list, but I ignored it and put cash in their card.

I don't like being told what to do with my money because it's rude.

If however I ask someone what they would like and they say, cash, voucher, a kettle, a bath towel etc, then that's fine because I've asked, but for someone to TELL me what they suggest we buy/give them, is a big No in my eyes.

I don't like gift lists and I don't like poems in cards either.

I feel the same. I personally find mentioning gifts of any kind in an invite to be presumptious. I don't have anything against gift lists as such, but I don't see why a general list couldn't be left in the care of a parent or best man etc, for if/when someone might ask if there's anything the couple would like for a gift. But even then I feel a bit uncomfortable about having a list myself :cool:

Idiophreak

shellsuit wrote: »

I just don't like people asking for gifts at all, full stop.

I received an invite with a gift list, but I ignored it and put cash in their card.

I don't like being told what to do with my money because it's rude.

If however I ask someone what they would like and they say, cash, voucher, a kettle, a bath towel etc, then that's fine because I've asked, but for someone to TELL me what they suggest we buy/give them, is a big No in my eyes.

We'll be sending out 80(ish) invites to our wedding. The idea of having to have the "what would you like as a wedding present" conversation 80 times over fills me with misery, for the sake of writing a single line on the invite.

My fianc!e, however, has the same feelings as you on gift lists, so we won't be using one...

Personally, I get irritated, if not offended, when I receive invitations without gift lifts - sometimes they're for people you don't particularly know that well, work colleagues and so on - and it just seems a complete waste of our time and money to spend time thinking about what to get them, spend the money on the thing - and know full well that whatever tat we end up giving them will probably sit in the box in the attic for the rest of their married life. I don't like having to ask people what to get them, is embarrassing.

Providing a gift list just makes life easier for everyone - guests need not put time and effort into thinking of a present the bride and groom might like, the bride and groom get things they want - and avoid having to have the "what do you want?" conversation over and over. Some people will *want* to buy something particular for the bride and groom, but I don't think anyone ever *insists* you use the gift list, so you're never *told* what to buy - it's just there to guide you if you want/need help with ideas.

Another problem we have is that we *just don't have space* for much more stuff - our little flat is full! (or, at least, full enough) My fianc!e thinks it's fine and that people will give cash anyway, but I know there are a worryingly large number of people in my family who, left to their own devices, will think they need to buy us "something to keep" - and the whole house will be overrun with lillipution houses, crystal vases and champagne flutes (which, incidentally, we already got 4 different sets of when we moved in together )..the whole thing's a nightmare!

It's an issue that people feel surprisingly strongly about, anyway - it's the only thing my fianc!e and I have argued about re: the wedding...and that being the case, I think it's best just to accept there's no "right answer" with this and just accept that people are probably just trying to do the right thing.