Update from me (and I need a chat!)

kathfisch

Hi guys! Sorry if this is terribly self-indulgent and not at all moneysaving (except for me!!).

I was replying to the thread about the emotional aspect of spending... and I ended up typing a long reply and crying by the end

So I thought I would post it here instead and ask for advice and things... I don't know what I'm asking for really I just thought I'd post an update that I can look back on. I came so far on the dfw journey and I'm right back at the beginning... or so it seems

The story so far: my spending was triggered by a very difficult and stressful relationship that I was in... which in itself was connected with my low self esteem and depression, it was a very dependent relationship.

My lightbulb moment was scary as anything... I collected all money for gas bill from my housemates but it was gone into the hole of my overdraft/overspending before I payed the bill... but thankfully a student loan payment saved me!! I learnt my lesson though, found this site, adopted the dfw ways and the feeling was amazing!!

Being in control again, doing something constructive and which I could feel proud of, it was better than the (small) high from spending. And my confidence increased to the point where I ended the difficult relationship and gained so much more respect for myself in the process.

But again I am in a position of spending too much... not disastrously much too much... not compared to before... but I'm not really ok about it. I've been looking for work since I graduated and hence having very little income. I managed to leave uni with no debt except student loan but no savings either meaning I'm back to living with my parents and finding it very difficult to budget. I've felt really bad about myself for being unemployed and have fallen into buying things as a treat/because I deserve it.... not sure how that works since I don't think I deserve anything?! I have had absolutely no respect for myself because I haven't been able to find a job, I've felt no motivation to keep at my practise as an artist and I've generally wasted the last few months.

Well, this week I found a job :j , but only a temporary Christmas one in a shop. Which feels much better than signing on (a thousand times better!) but I still manage to put myself down for it, to think its not good enough, and to not respect myself for it.

I'm £400 in debt (0% overdraft) and hopefully I can sort that out asap with work and money for nothing challenge but I'm so scared that I'll just be in the same position again very soon, unless I manage to get a job that feels worthwhile (like I'll get somewhere or achieve something).

I've got an appointment to meet with the editor of a major art photography magazine... he might be interested in publishing my work... no payment involved but still would be a fab thing to have on my cv and get my name known! :j So I'm flying up to Sunderland and back in a day next weekend to see him (flights cost about £55)... can't take time off from my job and that's cheaper than the petrol for 650 miles anyway! And so now I feel positive about my photography, but still can't quite find the motivation to start any new work. It would take so much time and effort and determination to carve out a career in photography.

I'm so afraid of failure that I am paralysed by it. I've always had very high standards but I've never seen the effect of it quite like this before.

As I said before... I don't know why i'm posting this really... except its helpful to write it down. Sorry its so long, any comments gratefully received!

Kath x

bride2be2006

HI there! I am new to MSE, just read your post, well done on getting a christmas job and dont worry about it not being the best job in the world just be proud of yourself for getting out there and doing something, I worked as a cleaner for a while and loved it and did a couple of years as a checkout operator in morrisons on an evening which was great fun cos they were all in the same boat as me - young mums. Good luck for your interview, it sounds very promising and while it may not be profitable financially it could get you some good leads to other things.

Oh and congratulations on getting out of a bad relationship, i had a desperately bad one 3 years ago, what a total nightmare but I plucked up the courage to leave and then met my hubby (got married four weeks ago!) and I am so happy (just the debt to work on now!!!)

Greenwellies_2

(((Hugs)))

When you're out shopping and feel you need a treat, really weigh it up. would that new lipstick, handbag etc (or whatever) make you feel any better? You already know the answer.

It would be great to put that money in a jar / savings account and watch it grow. It's really made me get a saving bug.

As for the work, sometimes it's not where you work, but who your colleagues are that make a job worthwhile. So defo don't beat yourself up about it.

Motivation wise, the leaves are changing colours, the parks look wonderful in the frost morning, esp on a sunny morning, would they not give you inspiration?
And being serious, I have no idea what type of work you do, nor do I know anything about art and styles, but could you get your 'stuff' displayed in the local library / tea room / art store?

Chin up, these things can be overcome

GW

duncans-mum_2

Hugs babe. Sounds to me like you are putting too much pressure on yourself to have everything done and sorted.If you perhaps tackle each issue seperately, you may not feel quite so overwhelmed with it all. You may not feel you have the "best job in the world" at the moment, but its a job and no matter what it is you should not feel worthles because you are out there earning money. I would say continue with the photography thing in Sunderland, okay it might not be making you any money, but this will boost your self worth and confidence in your abilities. You've still got money coming in to pay your bills. When thats all sorted, then look at the next task, of finding other work, just think of this as tiding you over until something better comes along.

Take a step at a time. I myself mentally tell myself that I have so much to do, and end up not having the motivation to do it because I never know where to start (like today, a day off work with loads to do, but I have been sat at the computer for the past 2 hours. I'm calling it me time!)

Try not to be too hard on yourself.

Annie_Fanny

What kind of photography did you do? Fine Art? Documentary?

I did photography at Uni too but binned it off as soon as I left my degree as I knew that it would be a long hard struggle to make a decent living. I would have had to do another 2 years at college to actually get some technical skills because Uni taught us very little about this. Not that I am saying this is the thing to do just simply that it was my choice.

I struggled for years to find a job that would let me use my artistic skills/love of the environment/and using technical skills but also get me on a career path that would actually make me a real living wage. It has taken a long long time but hopefully I can get there. I returned to Uni to study Landscape Architecture and am now on a year out placement (which pays!!!) and will return to Uni next year to qualify.

Anyway enough about me. You are obviously one of those people like me that are really badly affected by being unemployed (just like me). I know it is hard but you will have to get yourself out there and push yourself forward. Try looking at adult education classes on assertiveness and self-esteem - they will definately help.

I am writing this because I totally relate to what you are saying. Fortunately I have a partner who tells me to "get off my !!!!!!" and doesn't let me wallow in self-pity. Although this can sometimes be brutal I do respond well to this because I know deep down that she is right.

Gosh I've rattled on a bit. Hope this makes sense?

Annie
Xx

goonergirl

Hi
I don't know why Im posting this really cos its probably stupid (like me!) but I having a down day today too!
well done on your job never know what it might lead to sometimes they take on temp staff then if you good they keep you on so might tide you over for a while??
also (this is the stupid bit!! so don't laugh!) you say you artist/photographer I just wondered if you took some cool pics and tried selling them one Ebay? you know the sort of thing thats in at the mo (brown flowers mostly LOL) the sort of art canvas stuff?? do you know what I mean (prob dumb idea) or maybe (if you can do it ??) doing portraits from photos for xmas for people locally ? pets is a good one they give you photo you do pencil drawing then charge them?
feel free to disregard all of the above if it makes no sense!

Good luck
a
x

annie-c

((Hugs Kath))

I've noticed so many of your caring, compassionate posts to others and wondered if you were a real-life debt counsellor... But it seems you are just like many of the rest of us: able to see others through compassionate eyes, but setting the bar really high when it comes to what you can tolerate in yourself. You don't deserve the hard time you are giving yourself, though I am a bit the same myself, so I can imaging how/why it's come about that you feel this way.

To be honest, reading your posts, I feel you're further along than me, even though I'm a little bit older (I guess) and in a more stable financial position. You seem to be doing really well (conratulations on that job!), but you are finding it so hard to accept yourself as a human being, and you seem really disappointed to be finding that the lightbulb moment wasn't quite a once for all experience, but a part of a process of learning. But life is about making mistakes and learning, and picking ourselves up time and time again if we need to. You don't have to feel bad about yourself for being human.... it may well be actually that something you need to do in order to conquer your 'debt' problem (if you really have one), is to first conquer your 'perfectionism' problem - and it is a problem if it is making you afraid of the future.

I'm saying all this and feeling quite tearful myself, because I ache to read your problems... even at the same time that I'm saying to myself 'but she's only young, she has an excuse for feeling this way, I should be further along the way than her at my age'. Something that people like us have to do is try to stop using the word 'should' so often and try giving ourselves an easier time. Someone on this forum (I think) has a signature which says 'Imagine what you might try if you thought you could not fail'. It's worth thinking a while on that one.

I'm blethering a bit now, because I don't know what to say, but I just wanted to post to say I care and that I'll be hanging around this thread if you want to talk more.

Take care,
Annie xx

Storm

Hi kathfisch,

Sending you a huge hug firstly:grouphug:

The Xmas job may well turn into something longer term - even if it's not what you want to do in the long run at least it will give you some money coming in.

I'm guessing you're a photographer then? What sort of pictures do you do (art/fashion etc)? I'm guessing it's a very difficult field to break into, but at least you've got someone interested in your pictures.

It sounds like you're very down at the moment, so if you'll excuse the teacher in me coming out (sorry, i do this exercise with my learners who have low confidence/self-esteem): Write down 10 positive statements about yourself personally (and tell us all what they are!) they can be anything from 'I'm a good mum', 'I take beautiful pictures', 'I'm very good at speaking French' etc. It's very easy for us to focus on the negatives within ourselves rather than the positives. THEN, if you're feeling brave, ask friends to write down what they think are your positives.

I'll start one for you:

Kathfisch cares about the other people on this forum, giving good advice and support whenever she can

Storm x

Christmasshopper

Hi Kath,
Just a couple of little thoughts that might be useful:
Do you think you could pluck up the courage to ask if the magazine would pay anything towards your travel expenses? Explain that as you have recently left uni you haven't had much opportunity to save money yet and it would be really helpful if they did contribute towards your expenses.
And the other thought I had was...Do you think you would get the same high from spending if you were to spend some time on the I Wanna Board? You could look what people want and help search for the best bargain for them. It would be like virtual shopping and the person you help would spend their money instead of yours and then thank you for your help.

annie-c

Kath, on a practical note, please don't think of your Christmas job as not being an achievement. I work in a management role and I oversee the work of quite a lot of people who are bright people in responsible jobs, who have very poor skills when it comes to dealing with people. If I could have my way, I'd send them all out to get Christmas jobs in a shop in order for them to learn how to work in a team and behave politely to customers and learn to do things 'just because' instead of always bickering and fighting and feeling themselves above any task too trivial. You meet with people from all walks of life working in a shop - which you can't say for your average graduate training scheme. I'm not knocking those who take more high-flying paths from college than mine and yours, but what I am saying is that like you, I started out as a graduate shop assistant and I value the skills I learned then as much as any I've learned since. I never loved being a shop assistant. I always wanted more. But I'm glad I did it, and I expect a down-to-earth person like you will be absolutely loved by the other staff and you'll get some experience that you can use throughout the rest of your career.

kathfisch

Thank you all, its so nice to know other people understand and i'm not totally crazy!

Bride2be - thank you for reminding me that I shouldn't be so critical of this job! The people have actually been really friendly so far (2 shifts!) and I'm not too nervous about going in any more.

Greenwellies - you are right, I must get back into that mindset of 'do I need it, will it make me happy?'. I think I've just been unable to be hard on myself in that area cos I feel so down generally, if that makes sense.

Duncan's mum - snap! I've been on here hours now and feel down on myself for that too :rolleyes: but I do need some 'me' time I think... or time to really think about me anyway.

Annie Fanny - the course was basically fine art photography, although I did a bit of documentary early on. My work is usually about sociology (sp?) and the ways people behave... I'm a people watcher!! I have also based some projects around myself and my emotions which have been well recieved but are require much more emotional investment from me! I'm thinking along the lines that I will do some photography if I feel the need but really it doesn't distress me if I don't make a career out of it. I will never stop taking photos because they act as a kind of therapy for me... if you know what I mean?

Goonergirl - that's not a silly suggestion at all! I have taken quite a few nice landscape shots and could definitely take more of the sort of thing that would sell... I just don't really know how to go about it. But that's no excuse... I will look into it!

Annie-c - thank you so much for you post. It is strange that you mention debt counselling as that is something that I've thought about doing. I'm definitely a 'caring profession' kind of a person... don't always feel positive about that though. I've always helped other people and taken responsability for them (read - dependent relationship) out of a deep-seated belief that I wasn't worth knowing in my own right. But I do genuinely like helping people and would feel fulfilled in a career where I was 'making a difference' rather than just 'making a profit' IYSWIM? Both parents and all 4 grandaparents were/are teachers... what hope do I have?! :rotfl: I'd love to be a lecturer or... later on... an art therapist. You are absolutely 100% right about the 'perfectionist' problem, and telling myself I 'should' be doing x y and z all the time. Funny thing is I'm a really self-aware kind of person, always analysing myself and others, always trying to understand everything. But there's an element of that which is about control... I feel anxious when I'm not in control of things, I want to understand and be in charge of things Gosh, I sound like some kind of tyrant! but I can't exactly pinpoint why. Your post made me cry but also think so thank you

Storm - believe it or not I've worked as a mentor with kids who have low self esteem. And have done very similar exercises with them.... I promise to write them (and on here) as soon as I've replied to everyone Thank you very much for your lovely one to start me off

Christmasshopper - I will see if it seems appropriate to ask about travel expenses, thank you. Its normally the kind of thing I'm not brave enough to do but I could give it a go! I must check out that board.... have never seen that before! You learn something new about MSE every day

annie-c - you are absolutely right, again! I know the job will give me more skills (and update my retail experience) that are useful in all jobs. And employment is better on the cv than unemployment

Gosh, thank you to you all