advice wanted re new bf and his family

bonjovibel_729

hiya am just looking for a bit of advice.....i been seeing my bf for the last three months things are going well between us he has two kids and i have three and they all seem to like each other and his kids like me and vice versa......now comes the tricky bit he lives about 45 mins away from me so due to time and money restrictions we can only see each other once in the week then on a friday every other week my kids go to their dads so i go stay with him friday night then the next week his kids go to his mums so he comes to see me......

since we been seeing each other his brother has been coming down in a saturday night..i knew this when we got together but as they smoke somethin i dont like i told him i didnt want to be in their company while they are doin this.....

last weekend i decided to stay down and see if i cud tolerate it as they were playin computer games and smoking all night i was entertaining his little boy and then read my book....my bf informed me today that if i want to stay down there again when his brother is there i need to make more of an effort to get to know him and also make an effort to get to know the rest of his family.....

havin already been in two failed long term relationships i know how hard it is when you split up and you not only lose ur bf but also the family u have grown to love and have told him i am not prepared to do that again so only wish to spend time with him and not his family for now....but he sees this as a big issue and is insistant that i make more of an effort with his family....

another thing that annoys me is we only get every other weekend to spend together at his house and one of those days he choose to spend with his brother when he cud be with me i challenged him about this and he said as he has been doin this with his brother way before he met me he is not prepared to change it...i asked him to change it to one weekend he spend ds with me and one with his brother but he wont budge



any advice wud be appreciated as think this is going to be a major stumbling block for us ,,that and the fact that he is pushing me to move closer to him even tho we only been together 3 mnths and i wud have three kids to uproot if i did.....

Barneysmom

Run. Now.

He smokes 'stuff' while his son is in his care, would you like the same for you own children?

tanith

I agree with Barneysmum give it up now before you become too attached , you don't want to be subjecting your children to that stuff ....... no no no!!

ellay864

Whatever you do, DON'T even think about moving yourself and 3 kids. The two of you need to do a lot of talking and sorting things out, and you giving up your home and uprooting 3 kids is going to put more pressure on the relationship, not less. And he expects you to move house...a pretty major change...but he won't change his plans with his brother, and would rather smoke and play computer games. He needs to grow up and not be so selfish, you need to stick to your guns and if he won't compromise don't make all the running

Edit: I gave OP the benefit and read it 'he smokes, something I don't like' i.e. I don't like smoking...if it really is he smokes stuff I don't like then yep, get out now!

bonjovibel_729

thnks yeah it does worry me a bit he smokes but he never does it in front of the kids they are always in bed i know thats not an excuse.....as i have been through break ups in the past am not willing to move my family to a new area and another new skool when i have only known him three mnths cant see where the compromise is tho as he does not want to live in my area as its quite secluded and not close to any shops

twinkle1981_2

Run for the hills.

Jinx

Just cos him and his brother have always done this does not mean it cant be changed to adapt to a change in relationships. Surely you are important enough for him to put first occasionally? As to the getting to know family, yes if you are together long term its important, however 3 months isnt long.... I think stick to your own pace.

And if you dont like him smoking well is he showing any signs he wants to give up?? May be on a hiding to nothing on that one!

Bennifred

Honestly? He isn't prepared to put you before his brother, this early in the relationship - move on.

Glitzkiss

One thing that jumps out at me is you only live 45 minutes from each other which is no distance at all but he wants you to move closer. And he wants you to make more of an effort with his family. Successful relationships are all about compromise and these are the ones he wants you to make. Which compromises are he making for you?

lostinrates

Its interesting that lots of us think run, but for different reasons. To me, three months with dates mainly once a week on friday...thats 12-14 times meeting...is early to know the kids well, rather the time you might start about meeting them/introducing them to a new partner.

Its certainly too soon to be playing second fiddle to a brother (but not to children) let alone regularly. (though I think its right he continue hobbies with a brither, but not the weekly on a night you can see each other)

three months cannot be compared to a long term relationship. Its too soon to feel committed, especially to man smoking in a house with children...whether you are entertaining them or not.

somethingsgottogive

You've been seeing him for 3 months, but you've only been able to spend time with each other twice a week - so if you add it up, you've really not been 'together' long enough for him to reasonably ask you to upsticks and move

If he doesn't understand that, as well as you not wanting to disrupt your children's lives, then he's probably not someone you could be in an fair, equal and supportive relationship with further down the line