Friend wants to borrow £10k - please help!

sarah*a

sp1987 wrote: »

2. If her family haven't lent it to her this could be because they know they will not see it again.

That is exactly what I was going to say too :T

OP it sounds like you have made up your mind not to lend it to her and are worried more about telling her than the actual decision. Along with using what you have already explained to us you could also add that if she needed to tighten her belt for a bit to pay off this first loan you could maybe help by passing on any bits and pieces your baby has grown out of? Sort of sweeten the disappointment a little and let her know you will support her but not financially

:cool:

ERICS_MUM

sofietrouble wrote: »

Oh dear, I thought someone may say that...
She won't go to the bank, if she hasn't got the money she will just tell her sister in law that she will have to wait for it.

I already told her I would give it to her though, I would feel so bad to let her down at the last minute.

She is from Pakistan and that is how Asian families work, borrowing and lending to each other rather than going through banks (this is all new to me as I am British and not used to this at all!) She said she approached all her family already and no-one has it to give to her at the moment.

I do feel nervous about lending such a big sum that I struggled to save for (I am the only breadwinner in my family, my husband looks after our baby). But I will feel so terrible if I let her down.

These 2 points contradict themselves, so it looks like her family aren't being particularly true to their beliefs. If her family can't or won't help then I really don't think you should. Your money is vital for your family's future and this is much more important to you than the financial future of someone not related to you. Don't jeopardise your family's future.

Good luck - you know that refusing the request is the right thing to do, but you also know it'll be tough telling her.

Linda xx

ERICS_MUM

Has your friend/her SIL contacted asian banks in the UK to see if they offer loans in line with islamic law ? For example:

http://www.islamic-bank.com/


Linda xx

dulcey

just wondering, do you have a husband and if so what is his opinion on this ?
it is so easy to lend money but so very difficult to get it back thats if you ever do get it

BitterAndTwisted

Yes, the OP does have a husband and it sounds like she might have agreed to lend this HUGE amount of hard-earned cash before she discussed it with him. Have you discussed it with him now?

Angel, if you had a quarter of a million lying around in cash doing nothing I'd tell you to lend it if you wanted to help your friend and would be OK about never seeing it back. But you haven't. Think about the damage this loan could do to your relationship if she defaulted. And I'm absolutely convinced that she will. As said already, her own family won't advance it to her. What more compelling evidence do you need that this is a really terrible idea?

bluenoseam

If you're still struggling it may be worthwhile seeking spiritual guidance from atleast a respected elder at your local Mosque, while i understand this may not be the easiest of things to go about (i'm not clued up on Islam, and well, my Dad was the local minister, so no requirement to go looking for him in the church either!) he will atleast be able to give the religious aspect of things - the majority of us will purely give the secular view that it looks bad on a number of different levels.

atrixblue.-MFR-.

i would just say sorry no i cant loan you any money.

Lucy1973

sofietrouble wrote: »

Oh God, think I have got my answer. Not one person has said 'yes go for it!!' It's not going to be fun letting her know... I just hope I haven't lost a friend.

About the religious aspect, there exist shariah compliant 'mortgages' so maybe there are loans? Though I don't much see the point of these products because they still cost you money to borrow money, even though it is not classed as interest.
Islam teaches that Allah allocates everyone a certain amount at birth - a certain amount of intelligence, health, looks, wealth etc. And to borrow money distorts or changes Allah's 'plan' for that person, and changes the balance of money in the world. Interest makes rich people richer and poor people poorer. So borrowing money and interest is banned, and if you want or need more money, you have to use what you have been given to begin with to create more, legally and ethically. I guess that is my answer also....

If you lose your friend because you said no,just be so thankfull you never leant her the money. I true friend would understand.:)

ailuro2

Would it be acceptable in your faith to tell a lie in order to stop Allah's plan being messed up?

In other words could you tell her you can't give her the money as it's tied up in a five year bond, but that you'll be happy to sit down and help her go through her finances to see if she can save a bit of money and arrange for faster repayments to her sister in law...

ceridwen

sofietrouble wrote: »

Oh dear, I thought someone may say that...
She won't go to the bank, if she hasn't got the money she will just tell her sister in law that she will have to wait for it.

I already told her I would give it to her though, I would feel so bad to let her down at the last minute.

She is from Pakistan and that is how Asian families work, borrowing and lending to each other rather than going through banks (this is all new to me as I am British and not used to this at all!) She said she approached all her family already and no-one has it to give to her at the moment.

I do feel nervous about lending such a big sum that I struggled to save for (I am the only breadwinner in my family, my husband looks after our baby). But I will feel so terrible if I let her down.

From which I presume that you are British yourself?

It may well be that this is the cultural norm amongst Asian families - I have no idea how it "works" in that context...

BUT - I imagine that, in that case, there are cultural norms in place also as to the "methods" used to enforce repayment of such loans and you may not be fully au fait with this and therefore unable to use whatever "social sanctions" they use to put pressure on to ensure the money is repaid.

It may even be that you have been "set up as the fall guy" that EVERYONE ELSE thinks she should go to to borrow this money. They may be in no worse position than you are - and possibly even in a better position than you - but the decision has been made that YOU are to be the one who lends to her. I do think its possible that the group as a whole has decided that she should try and borrow from YOU (not them) - rather than this just being HER decision alone to approach you.

It takes a lot of time to work out exactly how any cultural group works and until one has spent MANY years in place learning the norms as to how the group works - then you are at risk of making mistakes the rest of the group wouldnt.

Don't lend it.

She will have to accept our cultural norms that our first priority for any savings that we have to one side is to buy ourselves a home if we are still in need of one. In our culture - our first financial responsibility is to ourselves and any children we have and we only use "spare" money to help (ie not money we need ourselves).

She is the one in a different culture - not YOU. Therefore SHE is the one who adapts accordingly and has to learn to be as financially self-sufficient as the prevailing norm here.

You have taken on board your husband's faith - you've done a lot and all you need to do. For the rest - the adaptation process goes the OTHER way...