What is the point in my being alive?

2manybooks

Hi Sim

Just popping on to let you know someone else is thinking of you and is so proud of what you've done so far.

Your health comes first - everything else can be sorted after that.

RAS

Sim

i am going back a bit but amongst people I know who (mis)used various substances, many did so to get away from pain, physical, emotional or mental. I suspect that a lot of people self-medicate but only some get into serious problems.

Amongst these folk who were trying to get sober/clean/straight, there was one recurrent narrative about the early months. Having used substances to reduce their pain, when they cut the substance out, suddenly they felt stuff much more acutely than they had for a long time. Emotional highs and lows were all amplified because their previous range had been moderated through substances. It was pretty much recommended that folk did not get into relationships for the first year because they would love and lose like they had not experienced in a long time.

I am not suggesting your start self-medicating again, but if you understand what is happening it may be easier to cope with, just knowing that this is a normal part of getting sober, even if gettig sober is hard. And it may amaze you but it is possible to learn conciously to dampen down the extreme ends of your emotional range if you want to.

Have not listened to your link, but watched a bit. I can understand why he inspires you.

One of my favourite bits comes from Touching the Void (the book not the film). Scene: Jo has fallen into a crevasse a a glacier, landed on a snow bridge, has two broken ankles and cannot climb out. There is no help anywhere. He is going out of his mind with fear/terror/whatever you want to call it.

He decides it he cannot go up he will go down, into the crevasse. Lowers himself down and discover that below him there is a floor formed of ice suspended above a deep chasm. He has no idea how deep that chasm is. He lowers himself down and ends up sitting in his rope just above the floor terrified of putting his weight onto the ice floor, in case it collapses and he is hurtled into the abyss and terrified of losing his chance of getting out. Eventually he lets go.

Now I am a control freak, so you can guess how that spoke to me?

You will guess from the fact that there is abook that he got out.

On a practical night, if Friday and Saturday are more difficult, you need a strategy to deal with them that keeps you occupied and not alone, whether it is sober company or a committment to do something.

And longer term, whatever creeps into your life those nights need to be dealt with, however you want to play it.

Spiritedwolf

Glad to see you are back on the thread Sim.

If you've got some time and are up for motivational You Tube videos, then I'll share my favourite with you. It's a long one, the last lecture by Randy Pausch, an American college lecturer at Carnegie Mellon, called "Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams". It talks a little about his work (which I find interesting too), but it's really about life in general.

I can't post links yet (too new) but you should be able to find it. The title is "Randy Pausch Last Lecture: Achieving Your Childhood Dreams" and the user is "CarnegieMellonU" and it's a little over an hour long.

There are walls in your way, but they are to keep the other people out.

mrs-stressed

Spiritedwolf wrote: »

There are walls in your way, but they are to keep the other people out.

That is a brilliant way to describe all this stuff thats going on with Sim and alot of us who are in similar bad places in our lives.....

toinfinityandbeyond

Hi Sim x
You say you have tried aa but it wasn't for you,maybe it was just that meeting? I have family members that have gone to ca and for one,they found it overwhelming and that they "weren't as bad as that" but that is where the meetings come in,to stop you from getting "that bad". They went to a meeting in the next town and instantly connected with someone speaking about their personal experiences,and thats where it made sense. To have a sponsor at a time like now,when things get on top,would be great for you.Maybe go on their website to see where else meetings are held? x

SimIsOnTheUp

Hi Ladies and Gents,

Hope you've all had a good day, and are now having a relaxing evening.

I couldn't sleep at all last night, and then ended up sleeping in until about 11.30am. Shattered, but forced myself up, as I'd stayed in bed almost all of Monday and didn't want to do that again.

Not up to typing much sorry.

Thank You so much for all your support.

Quick update regarding today -

1 / Called Doctor's and made an appointment to see my GP this Thursday morning (I was in disbelief. There's usually a two week wait!)

2 / Called NPower - Asked them if I could go back onto their 'SAFE Team' payment arrangement of £11 per week until I can afford more. They refused, as I was on it before but defaulted.

The girl in NPower's Collections Dpt advised me that the lowest they can go to is £16 per week = £64 per Month (based on my usage of £34 per month + £30 towards the arrears of £704 over 24 Months).

I kept my cool and told her this would be unaffordable long term, and politely asked if they could lower that / spread it across a longer term. She again refused. I said I'd have to call them back tomorrow.

I also checked the stage we are at re the Electric debt. Long and short of it is if I don't agree to the £64 per Month, then NPower will have to fit a Prepayment Meter. At this stage there would be no costs, if we agreed for this to be
fitted within the next 3 - 4 weeks. If I don't agree to them fitting a Prepayment Meter, then NPower will then apply for a Warrant of Entry from the Court and force entry to fit it (adding approx £300 in costs).

Need to give this some serious thought, as I am 99% certain I'm now going for a Debt Relief Order. I'll then include this debt in the DRO, and so I have to be careful that I don't show 'preference' to one creditor over another so close
to the DRO... which brings me onto -

3 / Called CCCS for more advice re the DRO. Couldn't get through on their dedicated DRO / BR number. Tried 3 times. Will call back first thing tomorrow morning.

4 / Called Working Tax Credits. Made sure that my four week run on of WTC is confirmed. It is. Huge relief as at least I now know that I'll be getting £100 per week for the next four weeks while I sort everything else out. Next payment of £100 due next Monday, and I also made sure this is going into my new (old) basic account with Bank of Scotland (not connected with any of my other debts).

5 / Called Money Shop re PayDay Loan, as couldn't find statement / dates when cheques are due to go through Santander account. Confirmed next Monday, Tues, Wed, Thurs and Fri = £100 per day = £500 PayDay loan debt then gets transferred to Santander debt.

6 / Also, last night, I set up a Skype account where I can make free calls to landlines for £4.58 per month. I also set up 'call recording' software (to email MP3's of the calls to my employer), so now I'm all set up to do my self - employed Telephone Survey work for Optimum Contact (Market Research) starting tomorrow.

7 / Still waiting for a refund of £110 from Orange (stupidly ordered a mobile I could ill afford two weeks back). They have really taken the p iss.. They'd confirmed delivery of the phone by email on Tuesday 18th Jan, saying that it would reach me by courier on Thursday 20th Jan.

I then had a text from the courier 6am Thursday morning, saying it'd be delivered that day between 3pm and 4pm. It never came.. I called Orange (they hadn't included a 'consignment number' in their original confirmation email!) and they said the phone had actually been returned to Orange due to their 'security team'... The supervisor I was on the phone to said she'd call me back that same evening after checking if they could get the phone to me after all. She never called back.

At no point, did either Orange or their courier text / email / call to let me know of this.

Refund was then going to take 7 - 14 WORKING days :-/

I called last Wed 26th Jan for an update, and another equally unhelpful supervisor told me that there was nothing they could do to speed the refund up as it had only been actioned on Tues 25th Jan.. and could take 7 - 14 working days to credit back to my account.

Asked him what he could offer by way of compensation...? Nothing! I have to write in..

I realise I was stupid to order a £110 Android smartphone, when I have debts to pay but I am where I am and now I'm just trying to get my money back.

Is it me or does 7 - 14 WORKING DAYS seem unreasonable to you?!

Anyway, all in all a fairly productive day.

Just need to get some surveys done tomorrow on Skype, and bring some money in.

I have £35 in my wallet, nothing in my Santander a/c, and will hopefully have £100 in my basic bank account tomorrow / Thursday (I transferred it from Santander yesterday, as I was worried the PayDay loan cheques would eat the money up..). I'm then waiting on the Orange refund and that's it until next Monday. So hopefully, I can do a big Tesco online food shop tomorrow / Thursday and pay my first NPower instalment (need advice from CCCS about paying this first though).

Told you I wouldn't type much.. ;-)

Cheers,

Sim x

PS - Forgot to say, that I had a bath too, for the first time in 4 days :-/ Talk about feeling fresher :-)))

SimIsOnTheUp

PPS - Anyone think I need to simplify things?! ;-)

littleowl

SimIsOnTheUp wrote: »

Hi Ladies and Gents,

Hope you've all had a good day, and are now having a relaxing evening.

I couldn't sleep at all last night, and then ended up sleeping in until about 11.30am. Shattered, but forced myself up, as I'd stayed in bed almost all of Monday and didn't want to do that again.

Not up to typing much sorry.

Thank You so much for all your support.

Quick update regarding today -

1 / Called Doctor's and made an appointment to see my GP this Thursday morning (I was in disbelief. There's usually a two week wait!)

2 / Called NPower - Asked them if I could go back onto their 'SAFE Team' payment arrangement of £11 per week until I can afford more. They refused, as I was on it before but defaulted.

The girl in NPower's Collections Dpt advised me that the lowest they can go to is £16 per week = £64 per Month (based on my usage of £34 per month + £30 towards the arrears of £704 over 24 Months).

I kept my cool and told her this would be unaffordable long term, and politely asked if they could lower that / spread it across a longer term. She again refused. I said I'd have to call them back tomorrow.

I also checked the stage we are at re the Electric debt. Long and short of it is if I don't agree to the £64 per Month, then NPower will have to fit a Prepayment Meter. At this stage there would be no costs, if we agreed for this to be
fitted within the next 3 - 4 weeks. If I don't agree to them fitting a Prepayment Meter, then NPower will then apply for a Warrant of Entry from the Court and force entry to fit it (adding approx £300 in costs).

Need to give this some serious thought, as I am 99% certain I'm now going for a Debt Relief Order. I'll then include this debt in the DRO, and so I have to be careful that I don't show 'preference' to one creditor over another so close
to the DRO... which brings me onto -

3 / Called CCCS for more advice re the DRO. Couldn't get through on their dedicated DRO / BR number. Tried 3 times. Will call back first thing tomorrow morning.

4 / Called Working Tax Credits. Made sure that my four week run on of WTC is confirmed. It is. Huge relief as at least I now know that I'll be getting £100 per week for the next four weeks while I sort everything else out. Next payment of £100 due next Monday, and I also made sure this is going into my new (old) basic account with Bank of Scotland (not connected with any of my other debts).

5 / Called Money Shop re PayDay Loan, as couldn't find statement / dates when cheques are due to go through Santander account. Confirmed next Monday, Tues, Wed, Thurs and Fri = £100 per day = £500 PayDay loan debt then gets transferred to Santander debt.

6 / Also, last night, I set up a Skype account where I can make free calls to landlines for £4.58 per month. I also set up 'call recording' software (to email MP3's of the calls to my employer), so now I'm all set up to do my self - employed Telephone Survey work for Optimum Contact (Market Research) starting tomorrow.

7 / Still waiting for a refund of £110 from Orange (stupidly ordered a mobile I could ill afford two weeks back). They have really taken the p iss.. They'd confirmed delivery of the phone by email on Tuesday 18th Jan, saying that it would reach me by courier on Thursday 20th Jan.

I then had a text from the courier 6am Thursday morning, saying it'd be delivered that day between 3pm and 4pm. It never came.. I called Orange (they hadn't included a 'consignment number' in their original confirmation email!) and they said the phone had actually been returned to Orange due to their 'security team'... The supervisor I was on the phone to said she'd call me back that same evening after checking if they could get the phone to me after all. She never called back.

At no point, did either Orange or their courier text / email / call to let me know of this.

Refund was then going to take 7 - 14 WORKING days :-/

I called last Wed 26th Jan for an update, and another equally unhelpful supervisor told me that there was nothing they could do to speed the refund up as it had only been actioned on Tues 25th Jan.. and could take 7 - 14 working days to credit back to my account.

Asked him what he could offer by way of compensation...? Nothing! I have to write in..

I realise I was stupid to order a £110 Android smartphone, when I have debts to pay but I am where I am and now I'm just trying to get my money back.

Is it me or does 7 - 14 WORKING DAYS seem unreasonable to you?!

Anyway, all in all a fairly productive day.

Just need to get some surveys done tomorrow on Skype, and bring some money in.

I have £35 in my wallet, nothing in my Santander a/c, and will hopefully have £100 in my basic bank account tomorrow / Thursday (I transferred it from Santander yesterday, as I was worried the PayDay loan cheques would eat the money up..). I'm then waiting on the Orange refund and that's it until next Monday. So hopefully, I can do a big Tesco online food shop tomorrow / Thursday and pay my first NPower instalment (need advice from CCCS about paying this first though).

Told you I wouldn't type much.. ;-)

Cheers,

Sim x

PS - Forgot to say, that I had a bath too, for the first time in 4 days :-/ Talk about feeling fresher :-)))

Sim - you're doing fine! Well done with all you have achieved. Just keep going and you will crack it. Do have a good night's sleep and remind yourself of all you have achieved today.

[Deleted User]

SimIsOnTheUp wrote: »

PPS - Anyone think I need to simplify things?! ;-)

Lol!

Very productive day, given how you've been feeling its f*cking amazing! Well done.

Thanks for keeping us updated.

Marru

Well done, keep the tasks ticking over but remember to do something enjoyable for yourself: watch film, listen music etc...