Stepson stealing- advice please..

Fang_3

conradmum wrote: »

The OP took the child on when he was 3. Now he's eleven and he has no other father. So, no, I wouldn't expect him to be referring to him nor acting towards him as a stepson. The child is either part of the family or not. If you marry someone with children you should be prepared to treat them as your own, especially if the birth parent is out of the scene.

Why do you think the boy's stealing? Was he born a thief? He's already been punished and challenged over his behaviour. Do you honestly think hitting him is going to put right whatever it is that's making him steal in the first place?

I haven't said anything about hitting him, and I don't think that is ever the answer.

Fang_3

cavework wrote: »

:rotfl: Fang don't try and get personal, it makes you look a bit silly..

I am not saying ignore anything , I am just suggesting that maybe asking why these things are going on and looking a little bit harder before resorting to physical violence ( which we all know achieves nowt)
might be a better way of handling things.

It doesn't make me look nearly as silly as someone like you who can't read.

I haven't even mentioned physical violence. That's all in your head.;)

grey_lady

By telling him that he's on a final warning and best not do it again kinda thing , that isnt actually punishing him or making him face the consequences of his behaviour and in the long run that might not do him any favours - he's got away with it and blaming a new crowd of friends certainly isnt taking responsibility for his own actions.

I actually think that the OP should consider family counselling to see what's behind this behaviour.

matj16

wow this scenario brings back all the wrong memories.

I'm currently 18 and behave myself, which has not always been the case!

when i was about 13 or so my local tesco's must have lost an absolute fortune in takings, because almost every week i would be in there and would remove items illegally without paying for them, which is worse than doing it in the household, but the level of stealing is irrelevant.

I always used to do it not really thinking about the consequences, or whether it was wrong or not, untill i got it drilled into my head by my parents. Mine are, and were at the time, divorced. This presented problems when it came to them both ensuring that dicipline is delivered in the way in which it should be, and im not speaking of physically.

There were two ways in which they resolved the problem, the first was a reward based system... which i would argue failed. I would also assume that it would fail in your situation as well, considering that your son doesn't care if his TV is removed or not i think he would take the same approach as me and not care about the reward.

The other was more effective. My parents had always frowned upon physical punishment but felt that it had to be used to an extent. Instead of beating however they sat me facing the wall with my hands on my head. I realise that this method may be frowned upon by other board users, and can understand that, But in reality it does no harm but does punish very effectively.

There was a third way, which was more of a fluke than anything else. My brother, being two years older, was also doing the same as myself. He was caught. When he was caught by the security and cautioned by the police it hit home; why do something with such big consequences?

I can understand that police officers are incredibly busy, but i have heard on numerous occasions that they will attempt to help were they can. It may be worth looking into whether he can be spolen to by an officer or even a school assembly run by one about such things. I remember having a few (which were after i had done it) which were rather alarming.

memories... i had forgotten about them.

All the best of luck sorting it out though,

Mat

I_know_my_ABC_and_my_CMYK

conradmum wrote: »

Am I the only one dismayed to read the OP's reference to 'my stepson' and 'my daughter'. This child has no father and the only person who could act like a father to him clearly doesn't even like him. No wonder he's stealing things.

Try treating him like part of your family rather than an unwanted burden and you might find him more responsive to you in turn.

He also said her/our son

conradmum

jasons wrote: »

Thanks for all the input/comments all.

I must say I'm surprised by some of the comments like this though...

''my 11 year old step son...

I/we (as in my wife) have had ongoing issues with her/our son''

and then ''my daughters sweets''.

There, I think, is your problem in a nutshell.

You've been the only Father he's known for 8 years at least - but there's still a difference in your subconscious in the way you treat your kids.....


I thought I'd set the scene as it were as to the relationship, as I've read so many threads where people miss the point or assume so much without reading...

Anyway we sat down with him last night, he still denied stealing things until we showed him the webcam footage, he did apologise and said it was because he had got in with a different set of friends at school who did it, but seeing that he;s only been in a new school since September that doesnt really cover off all the issues.

I'm waiting to speak to his form tutor today to see if he has had any issues with him recenlty as my wife found his homework record yesterday evening (which he had been hiding) as it turns out he hasnt been doing his homework when he said he has..)

In terms of how I treat the children then I can honestly say they are treated equally, they arent spoilled but the dont want for much- in fact its fair to say that he actually gets more than our daughter- even down to a 4 week holiday to see his cousin in Australia at easter with his grand parents. Paying for the flights etc meant that we didnt have enough in the 'pot' for a family holiday for the rest of us.

With regard to this:

I hardly think taking food is a big issuse, why are there seperate sweets for gawd's sake. My kids help themselves, I wouldn't class it as thieving. I also wouldn't leave a child that age on his own either. I would say he just borrowed your DS. My kids borrow my things.

Our children have their own sweet tins that they fill after we go shopping each week- I'm not a huge fan of gummy sweets, so I have a bar of dark chocolate, we have also taught the children to ask before taking anything, my issue is that he doesnt ask, waits till he is alone and then gorges on everone elses, not his own.

With regard to my Nintendo DS- it wasnt borrowed, it was taken, never to be returned...

He's been told he is on his final warning now, after that, I dont know what will happen next.

Thanks all.

Sorry if I jumped the gun but that was my first impression on readling your post. You did seem to be making a distinction between your daughter and your wife's son, and whether that's subconscious or not, it is something that he'll pick up on.

You say they're treated the same but then talk in monetary terms, which actually isn't very meaningful to children. Are you able to put your hand on your heart and say you love him as much as your daughter? It would be hard when he's clearly a lot more trouble to you, I would say.

These things feed into one another. Possibly he feels like second best and so is acting out his role as the naughty one. Children will usually live up or down to our expectations of them.

You need to break this cycle of behaviour and I don't think you'll do it with punishments, especially if they're the kind of vague threats you seem to be giving. Punishments aren't working and now he accepts them as part of his life.

I would start with not setting him up to fail by having tempting things around then telling him he can't have them. Either allow him free rein of whatever's in the house or don't have anything in that's a 'treat'.

Don't leave him alone to give him the opportunity to steal.

When he does steal (as he inevitably will, as the habit is set up now), react calmly, ask him to give back whatever he's stolen and apologise, and then don't talk about it anymore.

Make sure he feels welcomed, loved and included in your family. Think long term about this. He won't change overnight.

I know this advice will seem strange. The point is to alter the way he sees himself and his role in your family.

freda

Is he lonely?

Your post mentions a lot of times when he is somewhere without his mum or dad -

- left behind when you picked his sister up from club
- home alone 2.5hours 5x per week - 50 hours a month - after school
- going to Games workshop with friends and no adult supervision
- staying all night at grandparents (nothing wrong with this in itself, but implications are that he is sent there a lot? Apologies if this is incorrect)


To be honest, I think he is being treated too much like a grown up. He is only 11! I would hope my kids will be with me pretty much all the time at that age, still. I'd expect to know the ins and outs of their school life, their social life and to know by sight most of their friends.

I think your son may be doing what 11 year olds do naturally, i.e. taking advantage of being home alone so much to get a sugar high on things he's not allowed access to normally. This has grown into a taste for nicking things.

How to nip it in the bud? I think I'd spend more time with him, not let him be home alone or out with mates alone. I would insist that I either went to the Games Workshop and sat in with them or at least had a coffee next door, and I'd arrange for a childminder to have him for the 2.5 hours after school. I'd sit with him while he did his homework to encourage and support him and try to help. Get him involved in making tea, making cookies and cakes, making home made sweets etc.

Basically, I'd treat him like an 11 year old, not a 16 year old.

heretolearn_2

This is such a tricky situation and you are right to be worried.

Boys can be such idiots at that age. I agree perhaps you should stop leaving him unattended so much - not that I think there's anything wrong with leaving an 11 year old - but he is immature and can't be trusted on his own.

I'd agree with the other posters about asking at the police station if they would have a word with him. I've heard they are always happy to do this as if they can spend 20 minutes stopping this in its tracks, it's time well spent. they won't be horrible to him, but my goodness he will finally understand how serious stealing is. It'll be a shock to him and it'll probably work wonders!

lizziebabe

Hi - my son was caught stealing at school when he was about 10. I was furious as he is a very priveleged boy in the sense of stuff and attention from both his Dad and I.

We sat down and had a long chat about it - once I had calmed down. He said he didn't really know why he did it - but his friend had the collector's items he wanted. I said that he was at risk from losing his friends if he carried on and how would he have liked it if one of his friends had stolen from him.

He was punished (not physically) and he learned his lesson. Thank Goodness. I told the teacher what I had done and he felt I was being a bit harsh - but I told the teacher that this needed to be nipped in the bud, so to speak.

Also I arranged for my son to meet his friend away from the school and apologise.

I think that this boy is too young to be left for long periods on his own and I agree with the other poster he should be given more attention. Do things with him as a family - fun things need not cost very much.

At his age he is finding it hard to communicate his feelings and as a result I think that his behaviour is a reaction. I also think that family counselling is a very good idea. Go for it and all the best.

duchy

Eleven is a bit of a funny age-they are top dog in their primary schools one minute then bottom of the heap at secondary schools-long term friendships fadeand some kids find it hard to make new ones..........Maybe the "new friends who do it" is his way of trying to get in with other kids ? Does he have friends who come to the house ....or just "mates" at school and other places away from home ?

Having said that I don't agree it's "just his age" most eleven year olds don't steal especially not from friends or family.

I think he does need greater supervision -but not as in "We need to watch you" but more doing stuff as a family-not expensive stuff but just more interaction. As for a child minder-most childminders don't want eleven year olds as the ones that need minders still are often the problem kids.

Have you tried asking him what HE thinks would be appropriate punishment.....and how he intends to repay you for the stuff he has stolen? Make it a family discussion maybe. You might get some interesting insights.