Stepson stealing- advice please..

cavework

:rotfl: Fang don't try and get personal, it makes you look a bit silly..

I am not saying ignore anything , I am just suggesting that maybe asking why these things are going on and looking a little bit harder before resorting to physical violence ( which we all know achieves nowt)
might be a better way of handling things.

jfdi

''my 11 year old step son...

I/we (as in my wife) have had ongoing issues with her/our son''

and then ''my daughters sweets''.

There, I think, is your problem in a nutshell.

You've been the only Father he's known for 8 years at least - but there's still a difference in your subconscious in the way you treat your kids.

Until the lad can SEE you are treating both him & his sister the same he'll keep crying out for attention, love and someone to care. I suggest you discuss this with him, his sister (if she's old enough) and your wife - it's obvious from the post you love him - but does he know? Is he always 2nd best? He needs to be 'significant' in your eyes - & if he doesn't get recognition from positive actions (ie - Well done Tom v Oh! You're such a good little girl, aren't you clever?) then he'll get you to notice him by being bad.

Good Luck.

conradmum

Fang wrote: »

Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't they the right terms? He is his step-son and she is his daughter.

Why are you trying to excuse this child's behaviour? It's no one's fault, but his own, especially after being repeatedly informed that his behaviour is wrong.

The OP took the child on when he was 3. Now he's eleven and he has no other father. So, no, I wouldn't expect him to be referring to him nor acting towards him as a stepson. The child is either part of the family or not. If you marry someone with children you should be prepared to treat them as your own, especially if the birth parent is out of the scene.

Why do you think the boy's stealing? Was he born a thief? He's already been punished and challenged over his behaviour. Do you honestly think hitting him is going to put right whatever it is that's making him steal in the first place?

PhilipP_2

He is looking for attention. Bring him to counseling.

meritaten

apart from the last post - no-one has mentioned counselling! but I would recommend 'family' counselling as the last things this kid needs is to feel more of an outsider! OP - I feel that you do love this kid but are trying to be PC in your posts. you have been patient and you are now feeling out of your depth! understandable. this child has issues and he doesnt have them in isolation. the whole family are affected so the whole family should get counselling! go through your gp or if you can afford it ask for a private counsellor who SPECIALISES in family counselling.
I know what I think is wrong, but I wont say it on here and I think you love this kid enough to do this!

merlin68

I hardly think taking food is a big issuse, why are there seperate sweets for gawd's sake. My kids help themselves, I wouldn't class it as thieving. I also wouldn't leave a child that age on his own either. I would say he just borrowed your DS. My kids borrow my things.

merlin68

Does he have pocket money?

DVardysShadow

jfdi wrote: »

''my 11 year old step son...

I/we (as in my wife) have had ongoing issues with her/our son''

and then ''my daughters sweets''.

There, I think, is your problem in a nutshell.

You've been the only Father he's known for 8 years at least - but there's still a difference in your subconscious in the way you treat your kids.....

Well, it is a good point. But at the same tiem, for a description here, it is probably important to be precise about the relationships, so people have the true picture.

jasons_2

Thanks for all the input/comments all.

I must say I'm surprised by some of the comments like this though...

''my 11 year old step son...

I/we (as in my wife) have had ongoing issues with her/our son''

and then ''my daughters sweets''.

There, I think, is your problem in a nutshell.

You've been the only Father he's known for 8 years at least - but there's still a difference in your subconscious in the way you treat your kids.....


I thought I'd set the scene as it were as to the relationship, as I've read so many threads where people miss the point or assume so much without reading...

Anyway we sat down with him last night, he still denied stealing things until we showed him the webcam footage, he did apologise and said it was because he had got in with a different set of friends at school who did it, but seeing that he;s only been in a new school since September that doesnt really cover off all the issues.

I'm waiting to speak to his form tutor today to see if he has had any issues with him recenlty as my wife found his homework record yesterday evening (which he had been hiding) as it turns out he hasnt been doing his homework when he said he has..)

In terms of how I treat the children then I can honestly say they are treated equally, they arent spoilled but the dont want for much- in fact its fair to say that he actually gets more than our daughter- even down to a 4 week holiday to see his cousin in Australia at easter with his grand parents. Paying for the flights etc meant that we didnt have enough in the 'pot' for a family holiday for the rest of us.

With regard to this:

I hardly think taking food is a big issuse, why are there seperate sweets for gawd's sake. My kids help themselves, I wouldn't class it as thieving. I also wouldn't leave a child that age on his own either. I would say he just borrowed your DS. My kids borrow my things.

Our children have their own sweet tins that they fill after we go shopping each week- I'm not a huge fan of gummy sweets, so I have a bar of dark chocolate, we have also taught the children to ask before taking anything, my issue is that he doesnt ask, waits till he is alone and then gorges on everone elses, not his own.

With regard to my Nintendo DS- it wasnt borrowed, it was taken, never to be returned...

He's been told he is on his final warning now, after that, I dont know what will happen next.

Thanks all.

belfastgirl23

jasons wrote: »

Thanks for all the input/comments all.


Our children have their own sweet tins that they fill after we go shopping each week- I'm not a huge fan of gummy sweets, so I have a bar of dark chocolate, we have also taught the children to ask before taking anything, my issue is that he doesnt ask, waits till he is alone and then gorges on everone elses, not his own.

It's not just that though, he lies about it too - as a sweetie fiend TBH I kind of understand him taking the sweets, and even him trying to get away with a lie, but holding onto the lie is serious. Obviously taking the sweets to start with is wrong, but kind of understandable. I don't understand the lying though...I do think you need to keep working at this OP. Well done for trying to go into it in a considered way.