Stepson stealing- advice please..

jasons_2

Hi all,

and am sorry for the long post..

Anyway I'm at my wits end with my 11 year old step son...

I/we (as in my wife) have had ongoing issues with her/our son for the last few years and its getting to the point now where I just dont know what to do anymore.

We got together when he was just over 3, and his real father has never had any involvement in his life, leaving my wife when she was pregnant with no contact after that.

When we got together my wife and her son were living with her parents and from what I can see, let him do what he wanted without any form of discipline- this extends now to when ever he spends time over at their house- a recent example from this last weekend is when he was falling asleep at 3pm on sunday afternoon because they let him stay up to whatever time he wanted to on the previous night.

Anyway, I've been having things going missing for a while now, money off the side, my nintendo DS, our 'treats' from the cupboard, my daughters sweets etc,etc.

We caught him when he stole from another child in his class a while ago-he stole his watch and we returned it to the teacher who said that they though it was him who had taken it at the time, he's also been caught out on holiday last year when he took another childs toy figures which we saw he had in his hand.

Anyway he shows no remorse or guilt over this and blatently lies when questioned.

It came to a head yesterday when I went out to pick my daughter up from after school club- I've noticed on most occasions when I leave to get her he is up at his bedroom window waiting for when I leave, so I set up my webcam to see what he was up to when I was out.

I was hoping it would show nothing (aside from me maybe being unfairly harsh), however I was wron).

As soon as I was out of the door he appeared in the kitchen grabing handfuls of biscuits, taking sweets out of 'our' treat box, taking my daughters sweets from her tin (leaving his own), trying to get cake out of a box that my mother bought over the day before, searching round for money from my wallet.

He had several trips to the kitchen in the 10 or so minutes we were out.

When I got back I checked the laptop and then asked him over 4 times if he had been taking things from the kitchen and he flatly lied to my face that he hadnt.

When I told him that I knew he had been taking things he still denied it- I gave him one last chance to admit it and he said he had taken just 2 biscuits- in reality he had taken more than 7 and chose to ignore the sweets as he thought he had got away with it -
this whole time he had this arrogant sneer on his face- it almost like he feels he can do what he wants.

He's been grounded/ lost his TV etc so we're not really sure what to do next.

When my wife got home I explained what had gone on, but it wasnt untill I showed her the laptop that she got really upset and said that she didnt know why he does it or why he lies about it.

The thing is this has been going on for months as its only recently that I've been working at home so around in the afternoons when he gets home from school- normally he's home for about 2.5hours until we get home.

He hasnt asked for anything to eat when he does get home, just waits till he's on his own and then goes round searching for what he can take or steal.

My parents admitted today that they have caught him taking stuff when he's been over at their house as well..


So we've told him this morning that we'll be speaking to him tonight after dinner, but I'm at a complete loss as to what to do next..

He shows no remorse, doesnt apologise, blatantly lies to your face and just can't be trusted. When asked why he keeps on doing it he says he doesnt know, but still doesnt say sorry.

I 'think' he may not be welcome at our local games workshop as well as he used to be really into it but it isnt mentioned anymore, like his friends who went down there with him who also dont have any contact again with him now- I cant help that think that he's been taking things from them as well.

He's had his TV taken away, been grounded but nothing seems to make a difference..

I'm at a loss as his behaviour is begining to cause problems in the whole family and causing tension between my wife and I as he just cant be trusted..

RAS

HAve you actually shown him the footage?

penguin7

Probs an age thing. Reassure him you are all there for him if he needs or wants to talk to anyone.

jasons_2

Not yet, we were waiting to go through it tonight..

belfastgirl23

I think it would be worth contacting this organisation http://familylives.org.uk/ to talk through your concerns. They will have heard and seen it all before (probably a thousand times!) and will be able to give you better advice than we can. They do have a helpline that's 24/7

Primrose

Do you think he's doing it because he's lacking attention in some way? Or is hungry? Why not consider setting up a communal snack box to which he can have access and make it clear that other foods are out of bounds?

Perhaps it's a phase, or he's just trying to pit himself against the system. However, you do need to nip this in the bud because petty stealing in your own home, or in the home of his grandparents can soon lead to petty thieving from shops, shoplifting, or stealing money from the houses of friends whom he visits, etc.

So you need to ask him WHY he's taking these things and understand what's driving him. Don't accept a stubborn silence, but don't be too aggressive with him. You want to get to the bottom of why he's doing it. Tell him that people who behave in this way always get found out in the end and the public humiliation of being exposed can lead to them being ostracised by friends at school or relatives, and that he notches up his behaviour and starts stealing money he runs the risk of being reported to the police.

Explain to him that once he gets a police record, it could later on count against him in many ways such as being unable to get a good reference for a job he really wants in later life, or being refused a Visa for a country he might later want to visit on holiday, such as USA. Young though he is, he needs to understand the consequences of his actions. It sounds as if his young friends may already have found him out and they and their parents are freezing him out, so he needs to learn how to become a team player again, perhaps in a different group of people such as cubs/scouts, etc.

You also need to explain to his grandparents that his habits are becoming a family issues and ask for their support in ensuring that the same discipline is displayed in their home when he visits as applies in your own home. If they understand why you're asking for their support, it shouldn't be an issue but if they don't comply, then perhaps you should curtail his visits there for a while. You and your wife need to have a common approach here. If he suspects he can play one against the other, he'll exploit this to the full.

ailuro2

I had a sibling who was like this, they just never seemed to be able to resist an opportunity to steal something - biscuits from the tin, or a chocolate bar when we got sent to the local shop, as time went on it was stealing from our grandmother, from school and bags of change from the till at a Saturday job.

Of course it was all denied and most of the time it was never really resolved and we would both get punished for the theft. One time the pennies bottle had been raided I was stopped from going to a school disco because my parents genuinely thought it was me!

So we grew up, sibilng had kid who behaved exactly the same way... and I reminded them that they had always blamed all the thieving on a lack of attention from our parents and suggested that my sibling needed to pay more attention to the child who was now stealing instead of brushing it off as "only a packet of sweets" or "only a few pounds"

My sibling just couldn't see it was a problem, and when my husband saw the child steal from another kid he banned my sibling's child from our house.

Harsh treatment, he did it to provoke some kind of reaction from the parent ( hoping they'd see some sense, I think), but instead of taking it on board that all the thefts were having consequences my sibling simply stopped talking to all of us, and banned all the kids from visiting....

To this day I believe that some people just don't "get" that stealing is inherently wrong, and that lying and blaming stuff on other people is a reasonable enough way to talk oneself out of trouble.

Sadly, the child of my sibling is now a teen and is well known to the local police ( I know this because we see them regularly bringing the teen home.)

So, what advice can I offer you?

Is it a genetic trait, is it upbringing, is it that an unsettled childhood provokes attention seeking behaviour?

If I had the answer to that I would be working to help families in this situation.

If you lock things away, does he steal from other people? Maybe spending some one to one time with him would help him see it's not his sibling who is getting all the attention, and give him some time with you AND his mother while the sister is at after school club.

I'd not leave him on his own in the house either, he's only 11, and doesn't sound like he can be trusted when left alone.

Best wishes, sorry to ramble on so long, this really struck a chord though.

macchicken

What at nightmare!
My nephew was caught stealing at school and my SIL took him down to the police station (she explained before hand to the police the situatuion) and got them to put him in a cell and gave him a right talking to!
He never stole again!
All I can advise it the usual, praise good behaviour to reinforce it and swift consistant punnishment for bad behaviour (without making it attention)
Good luck!

cavework

Look I am really sorry if this offends but here goes..
You have set up a web cam to check on your 11 year old step son while you are out?
This lad has never met his Father .. you are the only Father he knows..
He is 11 years old and going through what all 11 year old boys go through , growing up.
He is stealing to get attention from you and if you really care for him quit the web cam and sit down and talk to him man to man .. do not treat him as stupid.
Give him a bit of one to one time ..alone, you are after all the only male role model he has and at the moment all you are doing is reinforcing his belief that he is bad.
Sorry
x

Dave101t

no one suggesting beating him? is 5 years he'll be in prison at this rate.

DKLS

Dave101t wrote: »

no one suggesting beating him? is 5 years he'll be in prison at this rate.

That thought had crossed my mind, the old fashioned way would be to tan his backside and bed with no supper. Job done, now we have to communicate "man to man" and understand him.

Wanders off shaking head but quite like the taking him down the cop shop to scare him silly option, if beating him within an inch of his life isnt an option.