16yo daughter has left home - worried sick!

busiscoming2

I wouldn't sign over the FA just like that and surely you have a right to know who you are signing it over to? If the BF is that well off why do they need your money and why couldnt the daughter just ask for it herself? If she didnt want to speak to the OP she could have written a letter asking for it. No matter how nice the BF seems, I think it seems a bit of a strange set up. I wonder what his parents think......

Jinx

whitewing wrote: »

I thought that you could only get married at 16 or 17 in England if it's signed off by someone with parental responsibility?

Could she be pregnant and setting up home, maybe get married, before they tell you?

(It's probably just that they want to be together and she wants to contribute towards the relationship)

LOL Good point! I'm in Scotland where we allow 16 year olds to get married and Humanist weddings are legal

Of course an English 16 year old could get married at Gretna Green.... NOT saying the OPs daughter is planning any of this....

whitewing

Your row may have been because your DD and her BF had decided to wait until she was 16 and have a very special evening together (not necessarily because they were definitely having sex, but because they might have if it had felt right at the time). The rest of it may just be that she was disappointed and embarrassed.

I agree with the others who say to give her the money (directly into her bank acct - don't make her beg for it), don't sign anything, and let her know she can come back home whenever. Also maybe make it clear that you do still like her bf, it's just that you feel that she is young to be leaving home. But I think you need to allow her some leeway and privacy (not expecting you to let them sleep together at yours).

Thank goodness my daughter is not 1 yet.

fantasia322

Fang wrote: »

How mature.

Am I wrong?;)

No, but think OP was morelooking for advice re daughter, not re child benefit. Did'nt mean to sound rude :eek: but I guess I did:o

Sorry

Tiggyroo

At 16, I hated my Mum and moved in with my boyfriend and his older sibling. Mum wasn't happy but never made much of a fuss. When it became too much of a struggle to run a house, earn money and go to school, Mum welcomed me and boyfriend home to live with her, (although she insisted on seperate bedrooms). Boyfriend is now my husband and we have our own, lovely house. My Mum is now my best friend.
My advice would be, she will do as she likes one way or another. If she thinks coming home will be admitting you were right and she was wrong, she will never tell you she needs your help and wants to come home. Maybe invite them over for tea often with the promise of no arguments, will help keep in contact and remind her of the comforts of living with you! Hope that makes sense!
Tiggy

Newly_retired

Child Benefit is only around £20. Did your daughter not get a monthly allowance/ pocket money from you, before she left home? so you can easily make an arrangement to carry on giving her some pocket money ie pay the equivalent of CB ( or more) into her bank account, without jumping through CB paperwork hoops. She may well come back before the paperwork was sorted at the DWP if you tried to formalise it too soon.

Keep in contact, try to be supportive, rather than judgmental, however you feel deep down.
No way should you be signing over PR at this stage. She is 16, so could marry, with your consent. Then you would have to decide if you would agree to that. You would then be giving her her independance, not handing her over to a substitute parent.

annibee

Legally you dont have to sign anything your her parent and i'm assuming you have pr (were you married to her mother at the time of birth or has it been granted to you or something).

Shes not the first and wont be the last to leave home at 16 - shes old enough to get a job now (when her ni comes through) so I would just leave her to it. If you think the boyfriend is not a particulary bad person then be thankful that shes not left home to live with a junkie.

Their relationship may or may not work out but as long as you always ensure she knows she can come home I think thats the best you can do - In response to payments I wouldnt sign anything like that over because its foolish itll be ending soon anyway - You could put it in a savings fund for her and give it to her as a gift on her 18th or something then she can do what she likes with it.

I know shes said she wants minimal contact but deep down thats probably not true shes just trying to justify her desicion a bit more. Send her a "new home" card and support her with her desicion - as long as its not having a negative affect on her life im sure itll work out fine. If she sees you actively supporting her with cards and texts every now and then shell always know she can come back

gl with everything

Blitz01

You can get married at 16

Not without your guardian's permission you can't.
Why is everyone saying she is an adult....she is a bloody child!!!!

Ideally I would rather she was seeing someone her own age, but there's only 2 years between them in age, and the boyfriend has always been a very good influence on her - if she goes to visit him at work he always makes her take some homework so that she can do some in his office while she's there!

Only 2 years between them>>>????
She was a MINOR until a few weeks ago.

Sorry, and I don't want to be 'holier-than-though', but you let your daughter who until recently was a child, have a relationship with an adult, and stood by and watched.

As for the 'cash' reference, would you have been as happy to let this slide by you if the BF was on minimum wage in a factory?

Can you not see where this all went wrong, and the reasons behind it?

One the other hand, maybe I am looking at this as a Dad.
I would probably pay the boy a visit, and be reasonable...and if that didn't work, damage him

caris

My heart felt sympathies with you OP.

Our eldest daughter decided at 15 that she was not moving with us when we moved house. The circumstances were different to yours in the fact that she had a child of 4 months at the time and she wanted to stay in the area to be close to her BF at the time (not the babies father) and her friends. We didnt move far, just the next county but it would have meant a change in schooling etc. Anyway she left home before we moved and took herself to social services and they told her that she was only just a few weeks from her 16th birthday and that she did not have to move with us, although, we would still be legally responsible for her until she was 18.

She totally cut off all contact with us and to start with she stayed with her baby at friends houses for odd nights and a couple of weeks at others and eventually moved in with the BF and his family, things didnt work out and she came back to us for a very short while, but made it perfectly clear that we were a last resort. We managed with the help of the council to get her a small cottage, but she left that without saying anything to anyone to go back to the BF, which caused an awful mess for everyone, including the landlord of the property. Again after a couple of months she came back, again not wanting to saty with us, but she had nowwhere else to go, so the council sorted her out a small flat, we helped her move in, her dad fitted out the carpets and wooden flooring as she wanted, but she never moved in, She gave that up after a couple of weeks!! Again moving back with us. We were put through the wringer every time, we could do nothing right.

She left home again and ended up in B&B and her son ended up in hospital. She was not coping and eventually moved into a flat share witha friend of her dads - not in a relationship, just as friends. This didnt work out either, she ended up moving in another BF and left the flat owner with debt and the threat of eviction.

This eventually ended up with us having residency of her son who was now 3, she went on to marry her BF, needless to say it didnt last, and she had had a few BFs since.

Its now just over 11 years on and things for us are no better, she certainly has not changed much.

There are so many "legal" people that tell youngsters that they can leave home and do this and that, but, when things go wrong they are not the ones to pick up the pieces its still the parents regardless of how old they are, parenting just doesnt stop at 18 it goes far beyond this.

I hope that your daughter will realise just how much she will need you and come back home, or at least have a better relationship with you.

We have been there throughout for our daughter through the good and bad, and there doesnt seem much hope of a good outlook for us, but I really wish you get what you want and your daughter comes home.

rozmister

I left home at 16 and was fiercely independent about not going home or giving up my freedom. My rent was paid through a special grant but I worked through college to fund myself. My mum did give me my child benefit which was £100 per month into my bank account. HMR & C never said anything if they knew I wasn't a resident at home permenantly.

When I first left I didn't speak to my Mum or Stepdad, a lot had happened and I don't think my Mum realised how profoundly I'd been affected. I received some counselling at college but I really struggled with my demons and got into some real scrapes at times (dropping out of college, hanging with the wrong crowd, etc).

However I'm now an independent adult that's a lot more capable and responsible than my peers at university. Yes I have debt and some emotional issues but those issues aren't from the time I spent away from my parents and while it wasn't ideal it has made me mature for my age. Guidance would have been nice but it sounds like the OP's daughter has this in her sensible responsible boyfriend.

I understand why people are alarmed by the idea of a 16 y/o fending for themselves. When I look at other 16 y/os who live with their parents now and I think about myself I wasn't an adult but in the eyes of the law a 16 year old can decide where, and who, they live with and can't be brought home. When you're 16 you feel like you know it all and being told you don't doesn't make a blind bit of difference. You can't do much but let her run her course.

As for the age difference with the boyfriend, don't be so absurd. 16 and 18 isn't a massive gap at all and she didn't suddenly become sexually mature on her 16th birthday making it suddenly acceptable to have an adult boyfriend. I'm not saying she is sexually mature now or was before I am saying you can't quantify a young person's rate of maturity, they all grow up at different rates.

OP my advice would be to invite her round, with her boyfriend, for dinner and a chat. Respect her decision to move out but say for the moment you would prefer not to pass over responsibility or CB responsibility just to give everything time to settle. Do offer to pay her the CB you receive directly into her bank account, probably by Standing order so she can rely on that money arriving. Give her space and time to calm down from whatever she perceives to be the problem and be supportive and non-judgemental. She may back down and come back, she may not but what is essential is she knows she can rely on her father for support and love rather than feeling that she should be against you or you aren't on her side.