Desperate situation

KiKi

999xxx wrote: »

To be honest I don't know why I am still here, I know I am partly to blame for putting up with it time after time. Deep down I pity him as I know he will end up going to ruin if we leave. He cannot even make himself a sandwich, I do everything in the house and he seems to think this is fine because he is the head of the house (his words not mine). The abuse has always been verbal until recently, he has never hit me and has hit youngest once.

Thanks for all the information and advice. You read about this sort of thing all the time but you never feel like your own situation is bad enough to leave... I don't know why that is, because you're right, if it was someone else writing this I would be telling them to leave. Eldest and I will have a read through tonight as we definitely do not think this can go on any longer, it is miserable, and we aren't speaking (again). We are just a financial burden to him so if we leave, surely he will be happier?

Hi there OP

Well done to your daughter for saving up and deciding to leave. She's absolutely right.

I can't say that it's easy or that I know what it takes to leave someone because I don't. But you sound so unhappy.

It doesn't matter that the abuse has been verbal. And, actually, it hasn't. He keeps all the money in his name, you haven't worked for 17 years and you're kept in a cold house and your child is hit for asking to use the phone. It's controlling and a form of abuse.

I think you already know you need to go. He has created a dependency on you which is *also* controlling. You are miserable. You and your daughter sound like you're already discussing leaving together. I've no doubt it will be hard, you will be emotionally blackmailed to stay, and he will play the sympathy card.

But he HIT your daughter. He hit *HIS* daughter. It doesn't get better from here, I'm sorry. It doesn't sound like you love him, it doesn't sound like you want to be there, and actually, it sounds like you're quite happy to go, but were asking whether or not you have enough money. 12 months rent is plenty.

I'm not saying it's easy, I'm really not. But he's controlling you. Just imagine the sense of relief once you're gone and the happy life you could have with your children.

Do you have family on your side who can help?

KiKi

Barneysmom

Please don't let him hit the girl, it's terrible, she must be scared stiff now. Get out. Fast.

BitterAndTwisted

It doesn't sound like you are all in imminent danger, although the sort of behaviour your husband has demonstrated often escalates, especially once they realise their grip on you is faltering. So, please go and and see a solicitor to establish how much you should be looking at him to support your two youngest children. Ensure you know all the bank-account details for whatever money is held anywhere and get statements stashed somewhere safe, also the mortgage documentation and his pension details if he has one.

Try and open a new bank-account and withdraw as much housekeeping money you can get away with without arousing any suspicions and salt some away in your new account. Have the bank send correspondence for this new account somewhere other than where you live now, you will need this once you have made your escape.

sassyblue

Can't read and run. (((HUGS))) to the OP, but you need to GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT.

Even the anonymous username you chose speaks volumes..... 999

I know - KNOW - that you will make a success of your lives without him in it.

Yes it will be hard, but everything after that will be easy and happier.

You've only got one life so please do something now, l don't know you but can't bear the thought of you or your kids spending the rest of your lives with him as 'head of the house'.

Be strong, you can do it xxxx

balletshoes

Your husband won't go to ruin once you've gone - if he can't make himself a sandwich, he'll just have to learn won't he, just like all adults have to at some point in their lives.

Its going to be a great source of support to you that your eldest is more than happy for you all to leave together, she's an adult too so you can do this. Get yourself prepared, and then leave him.

meritaten

hi OP - you want to go, you know you need to go, youre PLANNING to go..........what you are feeling now is fear of the unknown. understandable I think. would you feel better if you and oldest child set a date by which:
you will have rented accomodation
you will have got details of his joint account and any insurance policies (dont worry if you cannot photocopy them, just jot down the a/c number and who the policy is with.
mortgage details (if any) and the a/c number.
you have as much money put aside as possible in cash and in a safe place.
the kids birth certificates, passports etc. and your certificates too.
then arrange transport for that date and work out the details of how you are going to get out and please make sure that you dont leave even the smallest clue of where you are. make sure that all correspondence for you is going to the new address before you leave the old one.
once you have all this in place then believe me hun walking out of there will be like lifting the world from your shoulders!
good luck and please keep us posted even if you have to have a new username each time! safer that way!

bright_side

Life is far too short to be living like this - either get out or get him out asap and start to make a new life for yourself and your children.....yes it will be hard but believe me it will be so worth it!!!!!!

Lola999

Just an after thought. If you hate this man but do not fear him then you could save a deposit and months rent and then move. I am guessing you would all be entitled to benefit and your eldest sounds like they are ready to move on anyway. She might actually want to stay on a bit longer with you if you at least got this creature out of your lives. Most people like him cant make a sandwich or wipe their bottom properly, thats why they are like this, the world frightens them. Life is short to be bogged down with this mans crap every day. Its being so happy that is keeping him going. Good luck. Ps he hits anyone again, you call the police. You do run the risk of social services getting involved if you remain in a situation where someone is abusing your children.

pupsicola

If you phoned the police now and told them he has attacked a 13 year old none of you would have to leave. He would be arrested and taken away. It would then be up to all of you to be prepared to give statements regarding his abuse and violence. There is actually no need for you to worry about finances or where you will live. Stay put. He would also be viewed very badly if he cut financial support to his kids. The police take violence and abuse against anyone, especially a child very, very seriously.

If you are brave enough you could all be out of this situation tonight. If it scares you, understandably that he might explode if he sees the police arrive, then wait till tomorrow. When he is out the house go to your local police station with the kids and tell them what he has done, all of it. They will take it from there and give you all the help you need. I do know how terribly hard it would be to follow this advice. Made me physically sick at the time when I did it. But I have never looked back and seeing my kids happy, safe and thriving is all I need to know that it was the right thing to do.

pupsicola

licky_face wrote: »

If you don't move out and allow the children to continue to be exposed to somebody who is abusive to them you are just as guilty as the abuser.

This is true. If social services knew of this abuse they would tell you to leave him or risk having the children taken into care.