Desperate situation

licky_face

If you don't move out and allow the children to continue to be exposed to somebody who is abusive to them you are just as guilty as the abuser.

BitterAndTwisted

999xxx: PLEASE do not forget to log-off before you leave this site!

pupsicola

You are all suffering abuse. It sounds as if there has been emotional abuse going on for years. Now things are escalating and he has inflicted physical abuse on one of your children. How bad has it got to get before you leave? Domestic violence only ever gets worse. Phone the police and tell them what has happened. Pack your bags and leave.

I left an abusive relationship 4 years ago with two tiny children. The police told me if we hadn't left when we did it would only have ended one way.

You shouldn't have to live in fear of anyone. None of you should. Do you have any family or friends who can help you.

Dont know if you are aware but you can block the history on your computer so he cant see that you have been on this forum asking for help.

pupsicola

You could find that the situation is taken out of your hands. If the school your child attends pick up on the fact that she is being abused mentally and physically they will call in the authorities. Children display signs of abuse in all kinds of ways. The terrible atmosphere and fear of what may happen next will be effecting your kids.

balletshoes

999xxx wrote: »

Hello,

I would really like some advice. Please be as brutally honest as you like.

We are a family of four - mother and three children (21, 13, 15) living in an awful situation caused by one person. This person has recently got worse, although they have always treated us badly and flip out over the tiniest of things.

He kicks up about literally anything, and he is frightening when angry. In recent months he has hit one of the children and said he will do it again if she steps out of line - even though all she did was ask if she could phone her friend.

We live like paupers - no holidays, freezing cold in the winter, and still he complains that we cost him too much. Whenever the bills come in he stomps around like a madman, turning everything off. Before you ask he earns a colossal salary and does not have any debts, so it is not as though we need to live like this.

The problem is that the person is the breadwinner so that keeps us here. The fear of going it alone after so many years. I am a housewife and eldest is seeking work but we have enough savings to rent somewhere for at least 12-months (I think), giving us time to hopefully find employment and sort ourselves out.

To be honest I'm not even sure how the renting situation works or if we will even be able to rent somewhere while both of us are unemployed.

I'm writing this now as I know that the bills are due soon and I dread it. There's an awful atmosphere in the house and noone ever speaks. The children hate him and I hate him. He will never admit that he is in the wrong or that he is a hypocrite with double standards. What tends to happen is there's an argument, we threaten to leave, and then a few days later we start speaking again and pretend that nothing has happened, until the next time.

I really don't know what to do for the best. I can't bear the thought of spending the rest of my days with this person and do not think this person will ever change, no matter what they say. I've thought so many times about just packing a bag and leaving, but it's not that easy is it?

No its not easy, but it seems to me to be the absolutely best thing you can do, for everyone involved. To be honest i'm not sure why you've stayed so long with this person who everyone hates, but i'm sure you had your reasons.
If you've planned so much that you have savings, and if you can stand it for another couple of weeks, sort yourself out another place to stay before you leave. If you have the money for rent for 12 months you should be a perfectly acceptable tenant for most landlords, and if you're not working, and not receiving any income, you will get housing benefits and other benefits for your children aged under 16.

belfastgirl23

One person is not causing all this. Sorry to be harsh, but you are making a choice every day to stay in that situation. There are ways of getting out - see all the good advice posted above. You have choices. If you stay, that's one choice. If you leave, that's another.

Don't sit feeling helpless, recognise that you can do something about this! And there are people there to help you...

Good luck!

Lola999

you said be honest.

This will not get any better, it will only get worse.

He has hit your child.... he will do it again. There has been some great advice here for you but it isnt as easy as that.

You need to dig deep and find some courage and belief in what is right and wrong.

There is help out there and you can either put together a plan so that you leave yourself in the best situation or you can wait till something tips this bully over and he does something.

Your paperwork, passports and driving licence are important. Can you give these to a trusted friend or family member with no bias or links to him, for the time being. Just get them out of the house, you will need them later.

Dont use the home internet to research leaving. Get out of the house and try to use the free service at the library.

Look at womans refuge and all similar organisations in your area. Give them a call and find out how they do things.

Dont leave a trail where he can come and visit you and the children and intimidiate you or emotionally blackmail you.

Good luck my dear, the fact your asking for help shows you are on the first steps to protecting your children.

pimento

Why should you leave? Call the police, have him arrested for assaulting his child and change the locks.

999xxx

Thank you for all the replies. I am using eldest's pc, he doesn't have access to it.
Sorry if it wasn't clear - he is the father of all the children, we are married and have been for a considerable time.

I have not worked for 17 years. The savings belong to eldest, she too is fed up of the constant walking on eggshells and wants out. She is going on her own anyway, even if I do not go with her. All finances are in his name apart from the joint account where his salary goes in, no doubt he would make it so that I do not get anything if we leave.

To be honest I don't know why I am still here, I know I am partly to blame for putting up with it time after time. Deep down I pity him as I know he will end up going to ruin if we leave. He cannot even make himself a sandwich, I do everything in the house and he seems to think this is fine because he is the head of the house (his words not mine). The abuse has always been verbal until recently, he has never hit me and has hit youngest once.

Thanks for all the information and advice. You read about this sort of thing all the time but you never feel like your own situation is bad enough to leave... I don't know why that is, because you're right, if it was someone else writing this I would be telling them to leave. Eldest and I will have a read through tonight as we definitely do not think this can go on any longer, it is miserable, and we aren't speaking (again). We are just a financial burden to him so if we leave, surely he will be happier?

whatatwit

I couldn't read this and not reply, you are not just a financial burden to him, you are also a status symbol "look at me....my wife has no need to work" the fact that the outside world does not how dreadfully you are treated does not enter into his mind.

You and your eldest are lucky that you are both of the same mind and are there to support each other.

Please do start to gather the bare essentials (if you can without him noticing) but things can be replaced whereas your sanity and that of your children will be far harder to get back.