My Friend

McCuddly

atrixblue.-MFR-. wrote: »

TBH it could be a mixture of things causing his depression,

1. could be you, (dont mean in a nasty way) you mentioned partner, is this something recent? like about the time he started to distance himself from you? he may have feelings for you stronger than you anticipated! and you getting with someone may have triggered him to distance himself not to hurt himself while around you and your partner.

Ive been with my partner for several years now, Not recent, He said at the time he was happy for us, I do alot with him away from my partner.

2. as above but with money trouble, he may find that the job doesnt cover the rent, council tax, gas, water, electricity, phone(s),broadband, and shopping, and been using his credit card to keep him affloat and now he's realising that he's dug himself a financial hole, he will decline a offer of a loan as he cant pay off his own, and wouldnt want to take your money knowing he may not be able to pay you back.

This is what I'm thinking but I'm not going to be a bank and say "Pay me this much back by then" I've been there when you've had no money, when someone offers that you want to accept but scared as to if they are going to use it against you. But I won't and he knows that

3.the two above and finding it hard at work, it maybe a job he is struggling with, despises it, or not trained/studied for, or studied for it and realised he doesnt like it and not what sort of job he had in his mind, feels like all the studying and years of prep have been a total waste of his time and efforts.

This job is basically answering the phones for a major mobile network, He has aspirations to be an engineer, I'm also thinking he is feeling the "why did I bother studying" a bit

4. he may have something wrong with him that he's thinking the worst over and wont go to the doctor wich could confirm its nothing or needs investigating!

hmm, how would I get him to go to the doctors?

hey may not of wanted to open up with your partner there, or fear that youll tell someone like your partner.

have a deep think about how he interacted with you to try and confirm it maybe that he has strong feelings for you.


did he always go out of his way for you, support you, and be there when others wouldnt get involved, give you little looks that you noticed but passed off? sometimes became flirty but then backed off?

I really didn't notice, he did always want to see me more than others, we talked alot but he admitted he could talk to me easier as I never judged him. He knows my partner aswell, they went to the same school Ive seen him a lot just him and me. Thats how we usually go for coffee

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

first of all it's great that you're trying to support your friend in his time of need.

I'd say it might be worth trying to fit in a visit or two alone - it's much easier to open up to one person that to two, especially if you don't know one of them so well.

the other thing I'd suggest is when you're out with him, try to make sure he gets a bit of exercise etc, eg perhaps say you'd like to get fitter and see would he come walking with you a couple of times a week. Make it seem like he's doing you the favour, it would help to turn around his feeling of being a person who needs help into a person who is helping someone. It's also amazing how issues can come out when you're walking with someone, partly because you're not looking directly at each other and partly because the rhythym of walking somehow is soothing. Maybe worth a try?

thats a good idea, maybe when he comes up to see me or I'm back home we could go to the park or to the docks and walk and talk.

Thanks for your input!

atrixblue.-MFR-.

McCuddly wrote: »

Ive been with my partner for several years now, Not recent, He said at the time he was happy for us, I do alot with him away from my partner.

This is what I'm thinking but I'm not going to be a bank and say "Pay me this much back by then" I've been there when you've had no money, when someone offers that you want to accept but scared as to if they are going to use it against you. But I won't and he knows that


This job is basically answering the phones for a major mobile network, He has aspirations to be an engineer, I'm also thinking he is feeling the "why did I bother studying" a bit



hmm, how would I get him to go to the doctors?

This is what I'm thinking but I'm not going to be a bank and say "Pay me this much back by then" I've been there when you've had no money, when someone offers that you want to accept but scared as to if they are going to use it against you. But I won't and he knows that


thats a good idea, maybe when he comes up to see me or I'm back home we could go to the park or to the docks and walk and talk.

Thanks for your input!

Ive been with my partner for several years now, Not recent, He said at the time he was happy for us, I do alot with him away from my partner.
perhaps he was hoping you and your partner was just a thing, after so many years of waiting he may have woken up to your not going to split as to open the door for him.
AS FRIENDS WE ARE ALWAYS PLEASED THAT OTHER CLOSE FRIENDS HAVE FOUND HAPPINESS, but when we have feelings for that friend we get disapointed also.

This job is basically answering the phones for a major mobile network, He has aspirations to be an engineer, I'm also thinking he is feeling the "why did I bother studying" a bit.
wow i'd feel like slitting my wrists being in a call centre being abused by customers who want things for done yesterday, knowing your not really going to go up the promotion ladder and working for NMW it also in the opposite direction to engineering.

hmm, how would I get him to go to the doctors?
you cant really force him, i'd say if he opened up to you and admitted he's concerned for his health but scared to make that appointment, then with his permision make it for him and go for support.

This is what I'm thinking but I'm not going to be a bank and say "Pay me this much back by then" I've been there when you've had no money, when someone offers that you want to accept but scared as to if they are going to use it against you. But I won't and he knows that.
yes but for a male taking money to help us live when were independant is like admitting that we've failed and cant cope alone.
PRIDE and NOT putting anyone else out financially even knowing that we could pay back wenever will stake make us say NO.


if he was more attached to you than others, the i'd say he has more feelings for you than you anticipated (not to make you feel uncomfotable). you see us men eventhough we have feelings for someone wont actually tell that person especially if their close to us for fear of rejection, and loss of a close friendship, our feeling can contradict what we say! to a person of who'm we feel strong about.

Trow

Does he know about this website?

Do you think he might open up if you started a conversation:

I've found this great website. It's full of hints and tips on how to save money, how to manage debt and how to get things like elctricity cheaper. I've managed to save £xxx just through following the tips on there, it's fantastic' and see if he shows interest?

it might be a way in to him admitting there is a financial problem (if there is one)?

McCuddly

I really don't think he has feelings for me, What signs would a friend give?

I'm trying to get him to open up. but its hard and I know he is struggling for money, He just won't admit it, When I met him today he wanted to take me for a chinese buffet by taking the money out of his rent/bills money and "replace it next week", Needless to say I took him and paid, but he insisted he would pay me back.

We talked, he opened up a bit, saying he wanted to die and not to hate him, Apparently he just hates his life. He said "Barclaycard is nothing he can't handle and not to worry about him, no one else does"

He does know about this website but I don't think he'd come on as he would feel ashamed.

McCuddly

We've been speaking for a good few hours on MSN, He opened up a bit as to whats up, It is money related but I am really confused as to what to do.Am I ok posting it on here for advice?

belfastgirl23

Just be careful in case he recognises it - you might be as well summarising some details. Or indeed it might be better as a new thread on debt free wannabe if that's the issue...

onlyroz

I'm not sure you should be spilling personal details about someone else on a public forum. Try turning the tables and think how you would feel if someone were to post these things about you.

McCuddly

Basically, I found out (I'll do it in bullet points if thats ok)

- The person who we all believed was his gran/aunt and who he lives with isn't but he is her lodger
- His parents threw him out as apparently his parents capital one card was cloned and they took it to the limit and Capital One planted the seed it was him as he was a "low earner"
- His father isn't very well, had a heart attack, My friend decided he should go see his father, there was a major arguement and my friend left
- He is convinced that I hate him
- He pays his lodgings but after his bills he cannot afford to better himself in relation to saving up for a place of his own, He is looking for another job
- He said he had a "We break legs" style letter off someone called Moorcroft?? regarding a debt he has never heard off
- He refuses to talk about Barclaycard

Sorry its like this but its a summary of our conversation

McCuddly

onlyroz wrote: »

I'm not sure you should be spilling personal details about someone else on a public forum. Try turning the tables and think how you would feel if someone were to post these things about you.

I know, but I said I'd get him help and advice and he is okay with this

barbiedoll

Ok, with the debt stuff, we can definitely help him. Or at least help you to help him!

Tell him that Moorcroft are well known as a bunch of charlataans whose whole purpose in life is to send scary letters to people in the vain hope that they will pay for debts which aren't theirs. Tell him that there's no chance of them coming round to "break his legs", they have absolutely no rights to send ANYONE round to his place at all. We can provide letters for him to send to tell them to basically f**k off, so he need not worry on that score.
As a first step, can you get him to send this letter?.......(Tell him not to sign any of the letters, just print his name, and to keep a copy)

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showpost.php?p=11570893&postcount=2

It will show Moorcroft that he does know his rights and if he has no knowledge of the debt, the onus is on them to prove that he owes the money, it's not up to him to prove that he doesn't.

If they have threatened to come round to his flat, get him to send the letter shown in post #3 in this thread...

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2701383

Barclaycard: If he is having trouble meeting his repayments and especially if they have recently raised his interest rate, we can sort that out too. BUT.....he really needs to open letters, work out exactly how much he owes and then he can get help to pay off his debt within a reasonable time frame and at a rate that he can afford. He absoultely must not get into any more debt though, no payday loans or anything like that. And he should ensure that his priority bills are paid, i.e. rent, utilities and council tax. Can you get him to go through his finances with you? He really could do with coming on here himself, it's not really right that you post details of his finances, unless, of course, he knows that you are doing it.

With regard to his family problems, I guess there's not much that you can do about that, other than to be a good friend and a good listener. It sounds as though there are a few issues there, but being thought of as a criminal by his own family, just on the say so of Capital One, is outrageous! Cap One call centre staff are not known for their sympathy or indeed, their knowledge of the law but to suggest that a family member must be responsible for card fraud is very poor practice. Almost everyone I know has had their card cloned at least once, myself included, unless his family have very good reason to suspect that he was responsible, (other than him being poor), I cannot believe that they would just assume it was him! By the sounds of things, he is better off without them, although I daresay he doesn't see it like that. Do you know his family? Could you speak to his mum and find out what's behind all this bad feeling? And do ask why he thinks that you "hate" him. Does he worry that he's taking you away from your partner, or wasting your time? Try to reassure him if you can, it sounds as though he needs a good friend at the moment.