My Friend

Alioth

He might have depression. It doesn't have to have a specific cause, like money or work. If you know his family, talk to them about it and ask them to have a discussion with your friend to go and see a psychologist. If it was coming from you he might feel threatened.

BitterAndTwisted

Why meddle when you don't know what the issue is? It could be something that you are completely unable to help with or advise on. You've asked what's up an been told "nothing". You've offered a loan and been told it's not necessary. Now, you've been asked not to hate him which suggest to me that there are things going on which you may not particularly approve of or that they think you may have been slighted by their refusal of help.

The only non-pushy way forward I can see is to leave a message or speak to him and make it quite clear that whenever they have a problem, no matter what it might be that you are prepared to offer help and guidance and also to be totally non-judgemental and DISCRETE, like any true friend would.

onlyroz

Could be anything from addiction to debt to family problems, but if he doesn't want help then what can you do?

barbiedoll

He may not want to talk but he does sound as though he is depressed. If none of his other friends have seen much of him lately and he didn't want to go out on NYE, then I would advise you to keep a close eye on him and if you can, get others to help you.

Even if you think you are being "pushy", you should make a point of contacting him every day, even if it is just a text or Facebook message. If he is sitting at home alone for a lot of the time, he may be more depressed than you realise. Get some of your mutual friends to contact him too, you need to find out what other people think of his mental state.

I don't want to scare you unnecessarily but a close friend of my family went through a stage like this, despite having a good job that he enjoyed and a girlfriend who he had been with for several years, as well as a close group of long-standing friends. He ended up committing suicide, which the coroner decided was probably a "cry for help"
Please don't let your friend's cry for help go unheeded.

sarah*a

He sounds depressed to me - with a liitle paranoia which can be brought on by the stress of depression.

I get like that when I am very low - OH asks can he get me anything, what can he do to make me happy etc and I just say no, nothing. Then I get upset because I think he hates me for asking to be left alone.

You can't make him talk or ask for help until he's ready but by staying in touch, getting others to stay in touch and just letting him know you are there when he needs/is ready to talk it may prevent him slipping too far down and enable him to open up sooner rather than later.

Well done you for wanting to help :T I lost 90% of my 'friends' when I had a major depressive episode a few years ago and it still hurts now

McCuddly

Thanks for all your replies

I went round with my partner and took him out for tea, We talked he was still cagey, when we went into his house, I saw a few red letters from Barclaycard so I'm guessing they are chasing or something.

He let slipped about being lonely, I'll have to make more time for him and make him feel loved, Told a few of our mutural friends (and shown this thread) and we all agreed a plan of action.

However I'm quite concerned about this red letter. Is there anyway I can help him? He is very proud.

Errata

McCuddly wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies

I went round with my partner and took him out for tea, We talked he was still cagey, when we went into his house, I saw a few red letters from Barclaycard so I'm guessing they are chasing or something.

He let slipped about being lonely, I'll have to make more time for him and make him feel loved, Told a few of our mutural friends (and shown this thread) and we all agreed a plan of action.

However I'm quite concerned about this red letter. Is there anyway I can help him? He is very proud.

Looks like before you can do anything at all, you'll have to explain to him how you managed to see his private correspondence.
Anyways........why not tell him you don't think he seems to be his usual self lately and you're a bit worried about that.

McCuddly

Errata wrote: »

Looks like before you can do anything at all, you'll have to explain to him how you managed to see his private correspondence.
Anyways........why not tell him you don't think he seems to be his usual self lately and you're a bit worried about that.

It was out on his table, I saw Barclaycard and a lot of red I didn't read anything else.

atrixblue.-MFR-.

TBH it could be a mixture of things causing his depression,

1. could be you, (dont mean in a nasty way) you mentioned partner, is this something recent? like about the time he started to distance himself from you? he may have feelings for you stronger than you anticipated! and you getting with someone may have triggered him to distance himself not to hurt himself while around you and your partner.

2. as above but with money trouble, he may find that the job doesnt cover the rent, council tax, gas, water, electricity, phone(s),broadband, and shopping, and been using his credit card to keep him affloat and now he's realising that he's dug himself a financial hole, he will decline a offer of a loan as he cant pay off his own, and wouldnt want to take your money knowing he may not be able to pay you back.

3.the two above and finding it hard at work, it maybe a job he is struggling with, despises it, or not trained/studied for, or studied for it and realised he doesnt like it and not what sort of job he had in his mind, feels like all the studying and years of prep have been a total waste of his time and efforts.

4. he may have something wrong with him that he's thinking the worst over and wont go to the doctor wich could confirm its nothing or needs investigating!

5 family trouble along with points 1-3.

hey may not of wanted to open up with your partner there, or fear that youll tell someone like your partner.

have a deep think about how he interacted with you to try and confirm it maybe that he has strong feelings for you.


did he always go out of his way for you, support you, and be there when others wouldnt get involved, give you little looks that you noticed but passed off? sometimes became flirty but then backed off?

belfastgirl23

first of all it's great that you're trying to support your friend in his time of need.

I'd say it might be worth trying to fit in a visit or two alone - it's much easier to open up to one person that to two, especially if you don't know one of them so well.

the other thing I'd suggest is when you're out with him, try to make sure he gets a bit of exercise etc, eg perhaps say you'd like to get fitter and see would he come walking with you a couple of times a week. Make it seem like he's doing you the favour, it would help to turn around his feeling of being a person who needs help into a person who is helping someone. It's also amazing how issues can come out when you're walking with someone, partly because you're not looking directly at each other and partly because the rhythym of walking somehow is soothing. Maybe worth a try?