Living with your boyfriend/girlfriend...

minerva_windsong

I agree with what everyone else said about you knowing when it's right. I've known I wanted to live with my boyfriend since we'd been together for about two years (it'll be four years in June but most of that's been long distance). However, circumstances haven't allowed for it until the end of March this year and I can't wait!

The things I would suggest though are the same things you might have done with your housemates - be very clear about money stuff (how rent/bills are to be paid etc) and have some kind of chore rota so it doesn't feel like all the work is on one person.

Otherwise, best of luck!

FBaby

I believe any relationship goes to the same phase of first falling in love and being in our best behaviour, then starting to show more of our true colours but still making a big effort, and finally getting to that stage of just being ourselves. I think couples should experience that lasy stage before moving in together.

I fell in love with my partner the day I met him. It was a reflection of him rather than myself as I'd been on my own for over 5 years and was happy with it, but I knew he was the one. We talked about moving in together after 5 months and I was over the moon. Unfortunately, it proved much more difficult than anticipated as both owned our houses and we went through the experience of trying to sell both houses, then deciding to extend one, then renting the other etc... all in all it took 18 months and it got harder and harder not to be living together, but in retrospective, I am really happy it happened this way. We went through our first 'crisis', and knowing that we could get through it made me feel much more confident that we could share our lives together. We have finally done it and it is wonderful, but I feel during the 2 years we've been together, I have learnt a lot about him (and him probably about me) that means that we can make it successful. I'm not saying we wouldn't have if we'd moved after 6 months, but I think it would have been much harder.

rozmister

Errata wrote: »

OP if in your first post you'd said you loved him to the ends of the earth and that's why you wanted to live with him, that would be a good reason. You don't say that, your post indicates you would like to move in with him because it would be convenient for you. That's not the basic building block of co-habitation, it's using someone for your own ends.

I was trying to be rational about making such a massive decision rather than throwing myself into a huge commitment based solely on emotions. I do love my boyfriend, a lot. He's my best friend and I can't imagine my life without him and we spend so much time together it feels natural that soon we'll live together. However while that's all good and well if we couldn't afford it or it wasn't practical I'd have to ignore those feelings and be practical and that works the other way when I'm justifying why it feels to me like the right decision. I can't live my life or pay my bills or plan my future purely on feelings.

SailorSam

An ex girlfriend and i talked about living together after about a year, we both had our own houses so decided to sell them both and buy something nicer between us so started viewing places. But everything changed after we went on holiday together.
We were in a little touring caravan in Wales and it never stopped raining for 2weeks so we were stuck together 24hrs a day with no room to move. Thank God neither of us had sold our houses.
So i'd suggest before moving in, at least have a holiday were you can be under each others feet.

wilykit

My OH asked me to move in after 10 months and we got a house together a month later. Personally I think that is what ruined us - cooped up together 24/7, we had arguments a lot and I felt suffocated to the point where I didn't want him in the same room! We split up just over a week ago.

Everyone is different and it might work out for you. x

rozmister

SailorSam wrote: »

So i'd suggest before moving in, at least have a holiday were you can be under each others feet.

That's really funny you say that because the day after I created this thread we made plans to go on holiday together for both our birthdays in May! And to really test us we're going camping. I am NOT a camping girl in anyway and would have personally opted for a nice country house weekend but I'm relishing the challenge now it's decided and I think it'll definitely be a good indicator on the moving house front.

wilykit - I'm really sorry to hear about your break up. I hope you're ok xxxx

Errata

rozmister wrote: »

I'm hoping that some of the people on here already live with their boyfriends/girlfriends and can advise me about it.

I haven't been with my boyfriend for that long (4 months) and it's quite far away yet but in September I have to move out of my current shared house and I'm thinking of, much closer to the time, asking my boyfriend if he wants to get a flat together. We'll have been together for a year by that point, is it too soon?

I know it's a very tragic reason to want to live with him but he is my most favourite person in the world so it would be lovely and it would save us both money compared to paying for shared houses because we'd only need a 1 bed flat (£500 - £550) compared to two rooms in different houses (600+).

How do you know when the time is right to live with your boyfriend? How do you broach the subject? Is it a good idea to move in so soon? Does anyone have any tips?

Thanks in advance, sorry for my almost teenage hysterics about this but I'm a bit of a commitmentphobe generally so this is all new territory for me!

I took your words (my bold) at face value. Needing somewhere to live as opposed to wanting to move in with someone because you love them are two very different things.

Katie-Kat-Kins

I moved in with my husband about 14 months after we got together, we decided to move in together about 10 months into our relationship, just after our first holiday together. We'd spent the week together and hated the prospect of not being together when we got back.

We were virtually living together before we moved in as I spent most nights at his house.

There were a few factors that made me comfortable to make the decision at that stage rather than waiting.
1. The fact our holiday had gone well
2. There was no big upheaval, I would move into his house so no finding somewhere new.
3. It was easy to back out, I'd been living with my parents and could easily go back if we split up. He could simply stay put.
4. There was no financial entanglement immediately as it was his house not "ours" and I didn't have my own place to worry about.
5. We talked about finances and agreed how to manage them beforehand, we also discussed our plans for the future (to get married) and what would happen if we did split up.

If I were you I'd leave it a few more months before you decide, I would also think about how the points I suggested affect you before you make a decision.

Could you afford a one bedroom place on your own? That might be the best thing, he could move in later if you wanted, but you don't have to rush into a decsion before you are ready. You would also have more privacy to spend time with him and see how you get on.

rozmister

Errata wrote: »

I took your words (my bold) at face value. Needing somewhere to live as opposed to wanting to move in with someone because you love them are two very different things.

When I said it's a very tragic reason I meant the words that followed that "he is my most favourite person in the world so it would be lovely". That's why it is on a seperate paragraph from the comment about having to move out.

And with the HAVING to move out maybe having to is too stronger word. I could move out tomorrow, I'm in no way tied into a contract the only reason I won't is a pact I made with my friends I live with now who I respect too much to screw over. On the other hand if I wanted to I could find two friends to fill the two rooms that would be emptied when my housemates leave in September (to live with a bf and to study a Masters) with no troubles, 5 of my uni friends have already asked me about moving into a shared house together.

However I feel that when I get to September I want to move on and hopefully that will be with my boyfriend. I'm definitely NOT going to be destitute if I don't move in with my boyfriend or unable to afford rent and I am no way intending to rely on him to financially support me or sort out my housing situation. I may not have made that clear to start with (I can be very vague and word things wrong at time) so I want to make it explicity clear.

rozmister

Katie-Kat-Kins wrote: »

Could you afford a one bedroom place on your own? That might be the best thing, he could move in later if you wanted, but you don't have to rush into a decsion before you are ready. You would also have more privacy to spend time with him and see how you get on.

I could afford a studio flat but not a 1bed one which tbh I think I could cope with. I'm not sure if there would be enough space for him to move in later though but that'd be another bridge to cross! As I mentioned previously some friends have asked me to move in with them but I really don't feel like another shared house, especially one with more people than I live in now. I've been in shared housing since I was 16 and I'm a bit sick of the carnage now!